Coach Babbitt: Okay. I don't know what you people did to get in here. I don't want to know. Bottom line... you're on Tink time now. And that means no smoking, no texting, no sexting, no mexting... Yeah, that's Mexican texting, where you write stuff in Spanish so you think I won't understand. But yo do.
Boy: Are you taking notes?
Sue: Nooooo. Not full notes... just bullet points. I'm not a loser. Goldfish?

Dutch: You know, I always say to myself, "Dutch, you got to..."
Tag: [to Mike] "Dutch." That's not even his real name. Guess what his real name is.
Mike: I don't wanna.
Tag: Then I won't tell you.
Mike: Fine.
Tag: Paul.

Frankie: So, Dutch, you seeing anybody special in Las Vegas?
Dutch: Well, you know, I was seeing this really nice gal that ran the, uh, fountains at the Bellagio.
Brick: Oh!
Dutch: Didn't work out.
Tag: [to Mike] Probably couldn't stand him. Probably left him, like his wife.
Mike: Didn't his wife die?
Tag: Yeah. That's how bad she wanted to leave him. A big leave.

Coach Babbitt: Ugh. All right. I got to go wait in the parking lot for my roommate Carol. She forgot her keys again. Heck. Get up here. You're in charge while I'm gone.
Sue: Oh, no.
Coach Babbitt: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, come on, come on. Chop-chop.
Sue: Oh, no, no, no, no.
Coach Babbitt: Okay, people, goof off at your own peril, because Tink's taking 20 and Heck's taking names.

Sue: Okay, may I have your attention, please? Uh, I think everyone in here needs to settle down and follow the rules so we can all just get out of here and do our time and leave. I, for one, have my Uncle Dutch visiting, and I'm sure there are plenty of family activities that you all would like to get home to.
Boy: What are you, some kind of suck-up?
Sue: No, I'm not. I am just like you. I am bad. I am a bad [whispers] a-s-s. [normal voice] Now, I think we should all get through today so we can get back to doing all the bad things we do. Okay, people, it is time to grow up. I mean, seriously, some of you have kids.

Brick: Well, isn't that just crackers on butter.
Axl: Give it up, Brick. No one's gonna use your dumb phrase.

Frankie: Aww! Look at you two, rehashing old times. Kind of makes everything fall away, huh? All the pain, the tears, the fighting.
Mike: Working it a little hard there, Frankie.
Frankie: You know what would make it even nicer? If you two did that song you were talking about, the one from the talent show.
Dutch: Yeah. Tag? I'm up for it, if you are.
Tag: Well, I'd love to, but... [sighs] I'm spent. I got up and took a jog this morning before everybody got up.
Dutch: Aww. Frankie, tell you what I'll do. Let me do both parts, just so they can hear it. It's real cute. [chuckles] Okay, how does it go? [sings] Two of a kind, for your information We're two of a kind [talks] And then Tag's here, he sings... [sings] Two of a kind, it's my observation...
Tag: Wait a minute. You're screwing everything up. I... Fine. I'll do it with you. [breathes heavily] Let's do it over here.

Dutch: All right. You want me to say it? You want me to tell these people what really happened? We didn't get on the Cletus Wilson show because just before we were going on the air, this genius tells Cletus he's much fatter than he thought he'd be. Next thing we know, the Lennon sisters are in our spot. You pissed him off, just like you piss everybody off.
Tag: Oh, is that right, Paul? Is that the way it happened, Paul?
Dutch: Don't call me Paul.
Tag: Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul.
Dutch: That's it. I'm leaving.
Tag: Oh, you're not leaving, 'cause Mike's leaving. Let's go, Mike.

Coach Babbitt: Well, well, well. I guess to you people, "stay in your seats" means "walk around, cavorting with your friends." Heck, let me see that list. [Sue hands Coach Babbitt a pad] Oh. Okay. So that's how you're gonna play it, huh? Yeah. I thought you'd sing like a canary, but you've given me nothing.
Sue: But...
Coach Babbitt: I guess that's it, then. You're all free to go, because Heck here thought it was more important to protect her fellow delinquents than to do the job I gave her. [all the other students leave] Are you crazy?! 14 years of detention, and not one student has ever written down a single name. And you've got a whole list of them here... Some of them with three frowny faces.
Sue: I wanted to organize it for you. I put it in order of severity of offense.
Coach Babbitt: [sighs] This might surprise you, but I like you, Heck. You're an incredibly sweet, diligent, and conscientious person, and that's the exact kind of crap that's gonna get you killed out in the real world! You got to toughen up, kid! Huh? Or you're gonna become human mulch!
Sue: Have a great day.
Coach Babbitt: Bup-bup!
Sue: I mean... Whatevs, lady!
Coach Babbitt: Attagirl!

Dutch: [plays ukulele and sings] Need we explain, when he warbles sweetly
Tag: [sings] I'm flat and completely behind
Both: Because we're Two-oo-oo-oo of a kind
Dutch: What's so wrong thinkin' life is a song Reachin' for a star?
Tag: That's right. And who's to say if we'll go the whole way? Hey, at least we got this far. Because we're...
Both: Two of a kind For your information We're two of a kind
Tag: That's right. Two of a kind It's my observation We're two of a kind
Dutch: Like peas in a pod
Tag: Or birds of a feather
Both: Alone or together, you'll find That we are two-oo-oo-oo of a kind
Tag: One more time!
Dutch: That we are two-oo-oo-oo of a kind [applause]