Frankie: [v.o.] I couldn't believe it. I'd accidentally prayed away my daughter's happiness. [microwave beeps] And if my guilt wasn't enough, God had found a new way to punish me.
Brick: This hat once belonged to the great Harry Houdini.
Frankie: Not now, Brick, okay?
Brick: But it's not just a hat, it's also a portal to another dimension in time. Prepare to be amazed as this household item is torn from our place in the time-space continuum. [Brick shows the hat is empty]
Frankie: Wow, it's a good one.
Brick: With your indulgence, I will summon the remote back from oblivion. [the hat is still empty]
Frankie: Okay, where is it?
Brick: I don't know.
Frankie: You don't know? That's not funny, Brick. We need that remote. What are we supposed to eat dinner to, the radio?
Brick: I'll summon it after my nap.

Frankie: Hey, honey. How you doing?
Sue: Well, I cleaned out my cross-country locker. I tried to have everyone sign my jersey, but only one there was the lady janitor. It was nice though. She signed it, "Keep it clean. Viv."

Mike: Hey, sorry about cross-country.
Frankie: It's horrible, Mike. It's just horrible. Nobody tells you how hard it is to be parents.
Mike: Of course not. If they told you, nobody would do it. It's called punishing it forward. Where's the remote?
Frankie: Brick put it into a hat and transported it into another dimension. It was pretty impressive actually.
Mike: Brick, get in here. Should've buried that magic kit when we had the chance.

Frankie: [v.o.] Mike didn't believe in magic. He didn't believe I'd made cross-country disappear. But I knew the truth and the guilt was gnawing at me. I had to do something.
Frankie: [talks to the heavens] Hey, I only have a second. But I just wanted to touch base with you again. Maybe there's some greater purpose for Sue not being on cross-country. Because maybe she'll do something even more great now. Yeah, I know. But could you just reverse my previous prayer and replace it with this one? Please, please, please bring back cross-country. Oh, and we lost our remote, but that's like an "if you can get to it" thing.
Mr. Ehlert: Oh, there you are.
Frankie: Mr. Ehlert. What are you doing?
Mr. Ehlert: Think you're first lady I've seen on the john? Mrs. Ehlert hasn't shut the door in 30 years. I've got a stain on my tie and I need you to get it out. Honestly, Frances, what's wrong with you? Lately, you've been even more useless than usual.
Frankie: I'm sorry, Mr. Ehlert. The thing is, my daughter's cross-country team has been cut. And it's the first thing she ever made.
Frankie: [v.o.] So I told him the whole story from beginning to end. I knew Mr. Ehlert hated hearing about personal problems, but as long as I had him by the tie, he kind of had to listen.

Mike: So you think you got it all figured out, huh? You think you wanna be like Chuck? Let's see how Chuck lives. Sure, he has his own place, but it's a trailer he bought at a police auction. I want you to take a good look at the life this guy's living.
Axl: Whoa, is this Chuck's place? Look at all those girls.
Mike: Okay, but if you look past the really fun party, you'll see...
Axl: There's a guy with a crossbow. Sweet.
Mike: Axl, hang on. Axl, I'm trying to make you see that Chuck's life is not all that great... Wow, what is she wearing? The point is, Chuck never went to college, so Chuck has no options.
Axl: God, I'm talking about working where you work, following in your footsteps. I thought that'd make you happy.
Mike: After you finish college, if you look at your options and decide the quarry is what you wanna do, then great. But I want you to have choices. I want you to be able to do whatever you wanna do. That's what would make me happy.

Axl: You're acting like I haven't given any thought to my future. I have.
Mike: Really?
Axl: Yeah. Like, if the quarry thing doesn't work out... Listen to this. I go on a reality show, get famous, and then people will pay me to wear their clothes.

Axl: So, like, what kind of stuff did you do?
Mike: That's not important. The important thing is I turned out okay. And I'm pretty sure you're gonna turn out okay too.
Axl: Pretty sure?
Mike: 75, 80 percent.
Axl: No, seriouslly, what kind of stuff did you do?
Mike: It was my junior year, I think... And my buddy Greg and I decided that it might be fun to jump off an overpass onto a moving bus.
Axl: Never met Greg.
Mike: No, you haven't.

Frankie: [v.o.] The truth is, as a parent, you're gonna end up using everything in your arsenal. Common sense, prayer, even a little magic. Because in this universe, some things are explainable. Like why the most selfish man in the world would end up paying for a girls' cross-country team.
[As the Sue and her teammates run in the woods, the back of their jerseys features Mr. Ehlhert's face]
Frankie: [v.o.] And some things are unexplainable.
Mike: Okay, you wanna see some real magic? I just bought this universal remote. Once I open the package, it is not returnable. Now, watch carefully as I open it up. And...
Brick: [o.s.] Found it!
Mike: Ta-da.

Brick: Wow, no wonder you're stressed.
Frankie: Thank you. I am.
Brick: You need some entertainment. I hold before you a coin from the lost city of Atlantis. With this coin, l... Oops. I hold before you a coin from the lost city of Atlantis. With this coin, I will attempt... I sense you're losing interest.
Frankie: Ugh, just get to the trick, Brick.
Brick: I hold before you...
Sue: Mom, you're not gonna believe it. The worst thing happened. School board has to trim budget and everyone's saying cross-country is gonna get cut.
Frankie: Oh, Sue, no. They can't do that.
Brick: You will be left in awe as you watch this coin transported... [coin clattering] Your patience is requested.

Sue: How can they think about cutting cross-country? We're all getting so close. Like the other day, one of my teammates called me Sandy. That's practically Sue.
Frankie: Well, they can't do this. No way. We are not taking this lying down.
Sue: Thanks, Mom. I knew you'd say that. There's this marathon school board meeting on Wednesday to discuss the cutbacks.
Frankie: A meeting?
Sue: Cross-country's at the beginning or end. I don't know which, so we have to go for the whole thing. Go XC! That's cross-country.