Axl: [on the phone] No, I told you guys. I can't just drop everything and go to a movie anymore. I'm taking care of a baby. [the head pops off] Aw, man. [Brick pockets the screwdriver] Aah! This thing is ruining my life! Why do I have do this? I get it. I get it. If a girl invites you into her bed, there'll be consequences.
Brick: Don't I know it. [smiles]

Bob: So, Mike, women, huh? Am I right?
Mike: Jeez.
Bob: Like mine, for example, always spending money on stupid things. Like, ugh, for example... Lip gloss.
Mike: Is that a fact?
Bob: Yeah. Makes me mad... Or hurt... Or another feeling I don't like to share.
Mike: Bob.
Bob: But you know us men. Strong and silent types. Sometimes too silent.
Mike: And sometimes not silent enough. You know, Bob, I got a problem, too. I sometimes butt into people's business and then I find myself on the side of the road, watching the Little Betty truck I was just in, as it drives away.
Bob: You're not talking about yourself, are you, Mike?
Mike: No, Bob, I'm not.
Bob: Why you slowing down?

Obadiah: How comes the butter, wife?
Frankie: I've been churning for three hours, and I still don't have enough for a baked potato. [phone rings]
Obadiah: Hark! Hear I church bells from the town square?
Frankie: [answers phone] Hello?
Mike: Frankie.
Frankie: Mike, hi.
Obadiah: What is this demon device you hold to your ear? Cast it into ye hearth.
Frankie: Sorry. I-I just need a second. It's my husband.
Obadiah: Are you speaking in tongues, woman? For I am your husband.

Mike: [on the phone] Did you talk about our business with Bob?
Frankie: What? No. Of course not.
Obadiah: I paid three head of cattle for you. A fine price for a sturdy bride.
Mike: [on the phone] Then how come Bob's talking to me about our life? I don't like talking about my life with Bob.
Frankie: Well, I-I may have mentioned that you were upset about the $200 eye cream.
Obadiah: $200?! Why that is the size of the entire state treasury!
Frankie: Just give it a rest, Obadiah! [kicks the butter churn] In the name of God, just raze a barn, plow a field, chill out for half a second. We have one visitor. She knows we're not in the 1800s. You know we're not really in the 1800s, right? You're cool with me taking this call? [the woman shrugs] Thank you.
Frankie: Mike, I think the important thing is, is that we're talking. Mike? Mike?
Woman: I have a question. What kind of eye cream costs $200?
Frankie: I thought it was $20!

Frankie: Remember when we used to do this with Axl? Oh. Back then, we had to go through the couch to find five bucks for diapers. Used to take us five bucks to send us over the edge. But now it takes $200. That's progress.
Mike: How the hell did we make it through?
Frankie: I don't know. A lot of TV and denial. We'll make it through this, too.
Mike: Oh, I think the head's asleep.
Frankie: Oh, the body, too.
Mike: They are so cute when they're sleeping.
Frankie: Aren't they?

Frankie: [v.o.] So we were talking again, and I knew we'd be okay. Hell, if Obadiah and Rachel made it through all their crap, Mike and I oughta have a cakewalk. Just like the pioneers, we have to make the best of our situation...
Axl: Now my baby may not look like everyone else's, but isn't that what makes America great? That we can love people of all shapes and sizes? This is the kind of country that I wanna live in. [claps]
Frankie: [v.o.] We fill the holes however we can, and faced with a job we just can't stand, we find a way to make it work for us. [Sue and Brick place posters over all the holes in her wall]
Obadiah: Ye sure ye still got the pox?
Frankie: Oh, yeah, big-time. I don't think I'm gonna be up and ready to churn for at least another couple of days. Hey, could you be a peach and pump me another cup of water?
Frankie: [v.o.] For all the other day-to-day stuff that drives us nuts, solutions can turn up in surprising places. You just gotta be resourceful.

Sue: Mom, Axl says I'm the plastic baby's aunt, and I have to change it. Is that true?
Frankie: Axl, change your own plastic baby!

Mike: You know, a lot of the parenting books advise against that.
Axl: Yeah, I got no choice, Dad. I'm at level seven of my game, and I can't blow away pimps and feed a baby at the same time. [lifts up the baby with the bottle taped to its mouth] Yeah, that's not going anywhere.

Frankie: Quick trip to the mall. No reason.
Mike: Don't be buying a bunch of stuff we can't afford.
Frankie: [nervous chuckle]

Sue: Psst. Hey, you can stay in here.
Brick: Really? You sure?
Sue: Yeah, it'll be fun. I've always wanted to have a roommate. Here, you can take this half of the bed, and why don't you take woofy dog? You know what? Actually, I need woofy dog.
Brick: Hey, thanks. Axl's baby's driving me crazy. Even when he smothers it, you can still hear it.
Axl: Hey, would you ladies keep it down in here? I finally got little Brick to sleep.
Brick: I said, stop calling him that!
Sue: I have an idea. Wanna have some fun, roomie?
[After Sue throws a sneaker at the wall she shares with Axl's room, "little Brick" starts to cry. Sue and Brick high-five]