Frankie: Yeah. You're on your own. The next time your dad and I change a diaper, it'll be each other's.
Axl: Oh, my God. I can't believe you won't support me. This is, like, 80% of my grade, and I already failed personal hygiene.
Frankie: Axl, that's not our... How do you fail personal hygiene?
Axl: It's all politics.
Mike: Well, sorry. We're not paying the price 'cause you don't know how to work a washcloth.
Axl: Oh, nice grandparenting. You know, this is what's wrong with society. Your generation is so selfish.
Frankie: Enjoy this time with the baby, before it learns to talk.

Frankie: Hi. I don't know if you remember me, but I was here yesterday.
Sales Woman: Of course I remember you. Hi! How's that new eye cream working out for you? Do you love it?
Frankie: Well, here's the thing... I don't. I wanted to love it... I really did... but I used it three times and look, I'm not smooth or tight.
Sales Woman: I'm... I'm sorry. We can't take it back if it's been used.
Frankie: Oh, no, no. I didn't use it.
Sales Woman: The seal's broken.
Frankie: You sold me used eye cream?! Can you call the manager, please? No, you know what? I'm feeling nice today, so how about you just refund my money, and I won't press charges?
Sales Woman: I'm willing to bet that's your fingerprint in there?
Frankie: Okay, can I be honest with you?
Sales Woman: So far, I'd say no.

Frankie: Here's the thing... See, I thought that was $20, not $200! I never would have bought it if I thought it was $200. I mean, $200 for that tiny jar? That's insane!
Sales Woman: Actually, it's quite reasonable. This is made from the bladder of a mule from France.
Frankie: For $200, I could've bought that mule.
Sales Woman: You're not getting a refund.
Frankie: Fine. [grabs samples] You know, I spend a lot of money in this store, but from now on, I will be taking my business elsewhere.

Brick: Axl, give your baby a bottle.
Axl: Uh... That's not the bottle cry. Little Brick must've pooped himself.
Brick: Stop calling him that.
Axl: What? You're his favorite uncle. It's an honor to have him named after you.
Brick: I can't take it anymore. I have a fire drill tomorrow. If I'm gonna keep my hands to myself and line up in an orderly fashion, I need my sleep.

Axl: Ugh! I was up all night. I'm exhausted. This baby never stops crying.
Mike: Can I just say, this is my favorite homework assignment you've ever had?
[Axl spins the baby round in the air by its leg]
Axl: What? He likes it when I do this. God, when do kids become less annoying?
Mike: I'll let you know.

Mike: Well, what'd you pay for it?
Frankie: How much do you think would be a funny amount?
Mike: 10 bucks.
Frankie: Funnier.
Mike: $15.
Frankie: Funnier.
Mike: I'm hoping it doesn't get much funnier than $20.
Frankie: $200! [laughs]
Mike: What?!
Frankie: It was a mistake... A stupid, stupid mistake, and I have no excuse. Look at how tiny those zeros are. And I didn't have my glasses. But I have no excuse, no excuse at all. [Mike is silent] Mike?
Mike: Okay, well, we needed that $200 for the property taxes this month. So... I guess I'll call Bob and ask if he knows about any extra shifts at Little Betty. We gotta make up that money somehow.
Frankie: I'm really sorry, Mike. I still wanna hear your funny Axl story. [door closes] Okay, you can tell me later.

Brick: [reading "The Complete Book of Home Improvement"] Relax. This should be easy. All we have to do is pull out all the loose pieces before applying the spackle. [whsipers] Loose pieces.
[When Sue returns with a tub of Spackle, Brick has made the hole about four times larger]
Brick: They're all loose pieces!

Frankie: [v.o.] It wasn't fair for Mike to take on extra work to make up for my stupid, stupid mistake. So I slapped on 30 bucks' worth of useless mule bladder and went looking for a second job, too.
[montage:]
Woman #1: Sorry. We're looking for someone with a specific... Style.
Frankie: [v.o.] Younger.
Man: ...Someone with their finger on the pulse.
Frankie: [v.o.] Younger.
Woman #2: Someone who's really plugged in.
Frankie: [v.o.] Younger.

Frankie: [v.o.] Then after knocking on every door, i found the one place where I was still considered hip... the 1800s.
Frankie: Welcome to Orson Heritage Village. My name is Rachel Moody Cochran. In 1816, I came by wagon train to this very town, where I gave birth to all 19 of my children, four of whom survived.
Obadiah: I'll be wanting another one come spring.

Frankie: [v.o.] And so the deep freeze of winter continued. There was no sign of thaw in sight. The children born in autumn were now struggling to survive the bitter season...
Axl: Hey. Check it out. If you hold him up to the microwave, the radiation makes him quiet. [baby groans weirdly] Oh. Oh. Whoa! Whoa! That can't be good. Oh, no.
Frankie: [v.o.] While skilled carpenters worked tirelessly to repair the battered homestead.
Sue: Okay, I cut the hole to fit this piece of drywall I found in the garage. Now, if my measurements are correct, it should be perfect. [the drywall falls in the hole]