Axl: So, uh... [clears throat] Something going on with me. Crazy story. I was failing three of my four courses, and I had to drop them, so now I only have one. Now, I'm sure you guys have the life perspective to understand that, in the scheme of things, it's not really a big deal, and you probably have a similar story about something my Mom did when she was my age.
Tag: You dumb son of a bitch.
Pat: Oh, my God. [hits Axl's arm with her newspaper] Axl, this is a disaster. What were you thinking?
Tag: He wasn't thinking. That's why he's down to one class.
Frankie: [v.o.] In retrospect, Axl wished he hadn't told them in the first five minutes of what turned into the longest three-hour car ride of his life.

Mike: Hey. How did it go?
Frankie: Good. So good. We got really great stuff. Didn't we, Sue?
Sue: Yep. Uh, really great. It'll be a good Christmas and so on and so forth and what have you. I have to go put this stuff away now. [exits]
Mike: What's up with her?
Frankie: Oh, who knows? She's 16. Could be anything. Boys, hormones, Justin Bieber did something.

Brick: Well?
Axl: Get this. They said I have to tell them myself. Turns out you can't count on grandparents for anything. Sure, when you need fudge, they're all over it. But you ever need something real from them, forget it.
Brick: But they did bring fudge, right?
Axl: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Pat: What's up with her? What happened to my sunshiny girl?
Frankie: Oh, it's nothing. She's just tired. She gets weird when she's tired.
Pat: Oh, you can't brush this stuff off, Frankie. A change in mood is the number-one warning sign for everything. Parade had a story just the other day. Here, let me find it. [puts on light-up reading glasses] Skymall.

Brick: Uh, Mom, where's my lime jello salad?
Frankie: Oh, shoot, Brick. I forgot.
Brick: Really, Mom? 10 years, and you still couldn't pull it off? Wow. Lucky I know you very well. Ta-da! We didn't have any fresh-fruit cocktail, so I substituted skittles.
Frankie: Wow, Brick. You know, you're supposed to let it refrigerate for four hours.
Brick: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe we could do a taste test against the one you made.

Tag: You know, I'm just thankful that I'm not on a cruise ship that's been boarded by pirates. Right, Mike? You want to expand on that?
Mike: Nope.

Tag: What gives, Mike? You're leaving me hanging out there. I'm throwing you softballs, and you're whiffing it.
Mike: Look, Tag, I don't really want to-
Tag: Okay, here's the deal. New jag. I'm gonna tell them that you borrowed $10,000 from me and can't pay it back, and you're too embarrassed to admit it.
Mike: I'm not gonna say that.
Tag: Then you shouldn't have borrowed the money.
Mike: What?
Tag: I'm just trying to believe my own lie so I can sell it.

Axl: This is it, Brick. This is my moment. Excuse me. I'd just like to say how thankful I am to be surrounded by so many loved ones, because when bad news has to be delivered, you need your family and friends and bosses to not overreact to-
Tag: I lost all our money. There's no cruise.
Pat: What?!
Tag: I lost it all playing online poker.
Pat: Oh, you dumb son of a-
Frankie: Dad!
Tag: Mike told me to lie, but I had to come clean.
Frankie: Mike! Why are you lying?
Mike: What?!
Pat: You can't even order your own vitamins on Amazon, but you gamble...

Mike: It's your life, Axl.
Axl: [groans] Stop saying that.
Mike: What do you want me to say? That you should stop goofing around in college and start taking it more seriously?
Axl: Yeah.
Mike: That you should spend more time studying and less time partying?
Axl: Duh.
Mike: That you should realize the decisions you make now are gonna determine the rest of your life, so you better think them through?
Axl: Uh, yeah. I think so, yeah.
Mike: I'm not gonna say that. You're not ours anymore. It's your life now. It's up to you how it all goes.
Axl: Well, thanks for the heads-up. That would have been great to know before I screwed it up. When were you planning on telling me?
Mike: Hey, you want to be an adult? Be an adult.
Axl: Fine. I'll meet with my adviser as soon as I get back to school and figure out how I can make up these credits. Is that what you want?
Mike: It doesn't matter what I want. It's what you want.
Axl: Ugh! What game are you playing?
Mike: There's no game, Axl.
Axl: Uh, is this part of the game, you saying there's no game?

Axl: Okay, next semester, I am loading up on credits, and I'm not doing anything fun. Fun's over. No joining a frat. No Thirsty Thursdays. No nothing. And I'm coming home every weekend to study. And I'm not giving myself any pie. I don't deserve pie. Okay, well, maybe one small piece, but I will not use whipped cream.