Brick: Mom, Dad, a Nigerian prince desperately needs our help. There's a coup, and he needs our bank account information in order to transfer millions of dollars out of his country. In exchange for our help, he'll give us $3,000! Hurry! The bank closes in half an hour.
Frankie: It's a scam, Brick. Not everything on the Internet is true.
Brick: So there's not beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me? I have to update my blog.

Frankie: We're pathetic, Mike. Pathetic. Our parents would have never put up with this.
Mike: Hmm.
Frankie: I hated green peppers, but my mom always made me eat them, 'cause that's what we had. On Thursdays, I had to choke down those green peppers.
Mike: My dad watched The Hoosier Farm Report every night. And guess what I watched? The Hoosier Farm Report.
Frankie: And here's our kids stretched out on our couch, watching our big TV, eating like kings, and we're standing here hunched over the counter, eating crappy shreds of chicken from the taco place. How did we let this happen? When did this start?
Mike: I don't know. But I'll tell you when it stops.
Frankie: No, no. That clock is broken. Axl was playing ball in the house after I told him not to.
[Mike walks into the living room and takes the TV remote from Axl]
Axl: What are you doing?
Mike: I'll tell you what we're doing. We're taking back the house.

Mike: Come on. Get up.
Brick: Hey, we were here first.
Mike: You were? Because I don't remember seeing you in 1991 when I bought this house.

Brick: Did you guys know that you can find anything on the Internet? And I mean anything.
Mike: Like what exactly?
Brick: Like, I looked up "Moby Dick," the hard edition.
Mike: Oh. You didn't.
Brick: And you can't believe what came up.
Mike: Oh, I'm afraid we can.
Brick: All these first editions and stuff. It's all right there on rareprintbooks.com.
Mike: Oh.
Frankie: See?
Mike: Oh. Good for you, Brick.
Frankie: That's what the Internet is for... books.
Brick: Oh, and then I met some guy online who wants to meet me at the park.

Frankie: I made dinner! Come get your bags!
Mike: In here.
Frankie: Okay, here you go. We've got tacos, burgers and fries, sub shop.
Mike: I thought we were getting a bucket of chicken. I wanted chicken.
Frankie: I know. I wanted chicken, too, but then the kids called and they all wanted something different, so I went to three different drive-thrus, and I wasn't about to go to a fourth place just for us, so we got this.
Mike: What's this?
Frankie: Chinese chicken salad from the taco place.
Mike: This isn't chicken. Chicken comes in a bucket.

Sue: Well, we... but... but... but what are... what are we supposed to do? We'll be... bored.
Mike: We don't care. That's the beauty of it.
Frankie: Mm-hmm.
Axl: This is unfair. You're parents. It's your job to put your kids first.
Mike: Who says?
Axl: [scoffs] I'll tell you who says. The Giving Tree. You're the ones who read us the book. The tree gave up all its leaves and... and its apples and its branches, and it let the little boy cut it down so it could be a canoe, and it didn't complain and go nuts and kick anyone off the TV. No! It wanted to be a stump! It was happy!
Frankie: [chuckles] I don't think he was happy. I don't think he had the guts to do what we're doing, say "no." Well, your dad and I aren't stumps. Not anymore.

Axl: God, if you don't want to do anything for us, why'd you even have kids?
Mike: 'Cause babies are cute. If you'd had come out teenagers, we might've had to rethink.

Axl: Great. You guys got the wrong pizza. It has yellow things all over it. What is this?
Frankie: [gasps] Pineapple pizza! Oh, Mike.
Mike: Still good, huh?
Axl: I still don't get it. Why are you doing this? What is this about? You trying to teach us some kind of lesson?
Frankie: Axl, you really think we have nothing better to do than sit around, thinking up lessons to teach you?
Mike: This isn't about you. Your mom and I love this pizza, and we never get it. Now we're getting it.
Brick: But we don't like this pizza.
Mike: You'll eat what we provide. In the wild, when the lion brings back the zebra he just killed, the cubs don't get to say... " [whimpers] We don't like zebra. We wanted wildebeest." When the lion brings back zebra, everybody eats zebra.
Axl: But I don't like zebra! I want wildebeest!
Mike: Well, all we've got is zebra.
Sue: But the zebra has pineapple on it.
Brick: Wait. Who's the lion in this story?
Mike: I'm the lion. I'm the lion in all the stories. [high-fives Frankie]

Brick: No one's taken me to the library in two days!
Axl: Well, just complaining about it's not gonna help us. The more we complain, the stronger they get, and the longer they live.
Brick: The Internet has no paper. It doesn't smell like paper. It doesn't feel like paper.

Frankie: Brick, what are you doing? You have school.
Brick: I woke up in the middle of the night, and you won't let me in your bed, so I came in here to look up native Americans, which linked me to the Albuquerque balloon festival, which linked me to stars, which linked me to Us magazine, and it took me all night to finish clicking on who wore it best.
Frankie: Well, that's just great. You missed the bus.
Brick: I voted for Ashley Tisdale, but now I'm second-guessing myself. I should make up a new user name and vote for Scarlett Johansson instead. It's hard 'cause they both wore it well. [whispers] Scarlett Johansson. [normal voice] I'll meet you in the car.
Frankie: Unh-unh. I'm not driving. You've got feet. You're gonna use 'em. Actions have consequences. Maybe not before, but they do now.