Axl: Oh, my God, this conversation is so boring, yet just loud enough that I can't sleep through it.

Sue: I'll tell you one thing, I'm never having kids.
Frankie: What? Why would you say that?
Sue: Ugh, it just seems hard. I couldn't handle it the way you do. You're good at it.
Frankie: See, now, that's why you'll love having kids. Same reason I do. Because after a rough day, one of them will come in, give you a hug, and say something like that.
Sue: But aren't we the cause of the rough day?
Frankie: Well, you can't overthink it.

Brick: [o.s.] Hey, Dad? Would Mom like something called "condoms"? Does she like pleasure?
Mike: No. Get out of that aisle.

Frankie: I'm sorry if I drove an hour and a half to be with my mother on Mother's Day. I had no idea it would be an inconvenience. I just thought it would make you happy.
Pat: Frankie, I am never alone in this house. Your dad is always here, asking me about this, asking me about that. "Can I eat this?" "Where's my raincoat?" Now he's out with his possums, and I just wanted a minute to frost my damn hair, and drink my damn wine and listen to my damn music without getting anyone anything, or making anybody any grilled cheese sandwiches with potato chips in the middle.
Frankie: Oh, my God. I'll bet your sciatic nerve isn't really acting up. I'll bet you just made that up as an excuse to not see me.
Pat: Oh, come on, you know how sciatica is. It comes and goes.
Frankie: Oh, I don't know. You were boogying down pretty hard there, Lady Flash.
Pat: It comes and goes.

Sue: Well, I'm sorry. If you guys wanted to be alone, why didn't you just say so?
Pat: It's really hard, Sue. It's really hard to say you don't wanna be with your family on Mother's Day. It's really hard to say you don't wanna dry your own fruit.
Frankie: You didn't like your dehydrator?
Pat: It's ridiculous. I'm gonna go buy $4-a-pound grapes and spend hours turning them into 99-cent raisins? Use your head.

Frankie: [v.o.] Mike's right. Mother's Day is sort of a made-up holiday. It doesn't always live up to the hype. And that's what led me to create a new holiday, one that's turned out to be one of my favorites. I call it The Day After Mother's Day.
Waitress: Can I get you anything else?
Frankie: No, I'm so good.
Frankie: [v.o.] Mother's Day is for them. The Day After Mother's Day is for me. It's kind of like Father's Day for mothers.

Sue: I broke a commandment.
Frankie: Oh. Okay. Which one?
Sue: I stole something. I stole an inspirational fridge magnet.
Frankie: A what?
Sue: A magnet for the fridge, to hold papers and stuff. I just loved it so much, and Dad wouldn't buy it, and now I just feel terrible. And I never thought I would be the kind of person to steal something, but the magnet said "Think of the thing you cannot do and then do it." So I thought about it and then I did it. Oh, my God. I'm a stealer. I stole. [retches]
Frankie: Sue. Honey.
Sue: See? See, it's got a dolphin. And a kite. [vomits]

Frankie: [v.o.] My Mother's Day was right on course. I had choked down some runny eggs, burnt waffle and old fried bologna. Who would've thought old bologna would be the star of that show?

Axl: God, it's too early. You woke me up in the middle of my REM. Very dangerous time to wake someone up. Could've killed me.
[As Axl climbs onto Frankie's bed, he knocks the tray of food over onto her]
Sue: Axl, you're so stupid! You've ruined everything!
Axl: Oh, yeah, it's all my fault. Blame everything on me. Classic.

Mike: All right, I'm gonna watch SportsCenter and let you hang out with your kids. It's your day.