Frankie: [v.o.] I could tell by the look in his eyes Mike forgot to get me a gift. So I decided to take an extra-long shower. I thought I'd give them time to find me something nice.
Mike: Didn't we just do Valentine's Day? This whole thing's a racket. They trump up these phony holidays just so they can sell you a bunch of crap. If we had any guts, we would just say no to this. That'd be the best gift I could give your Mom, to teach you kids some backbone. [the kids sigh] All right, let's find that gift.

Bob: Hey, Mike.
Mike: Bob.
Bob: You forgot Mother's Day, didn't you?
Mike: Well, you know, they trump up these holidays and they expect peop... Forget it.
Bob: Mike, let me help, okay? Oh, these are great. You can record your own message. You can do accents, anything you want. [in British accent] Hello, hello. Happy Mum's Day, Frankie. [laughs]
Mike: Yeah, okay. I'm in kind of a hurry here.

Sue: Dad, look. We have to get this for Mom.
Bob: "Think of the thing you cannot do and then do it." That is so powerful.
Sue: I know.
Mike: No. We got plenty of fridge magnets at home. From the sewer-rooter people, the pizza-delivery guy...

Mike: What is with you kids? Stop goofing around and get serious. Your mom works hard and she deserves a nice gift that shows her how much we care.
[later:]
Mike: We thought of wrapping it but then didn't.
Frankie: Who needs wrapping? Just takes longer to get to the present. An inflatable foot bath. Wow! Wow.
Mike: You're always saying your feet hurt because you're on them all day, and it's inflatable, so you can take it when you travel.

Brick: It's got sloughing bumps to remove dead skin. [whispers] Sloughing bumps.

Frankie: [v.o.] And this is what Mike got for Father's Day last year...
Mike: Oh, my God. No way. Is this?
Frankie: Yep. A certified piece of IU Hoosier gym. Remember we read that they were replacing the floor in Assembly Hall? Well, I called the campus to see if we could buy a piece of the old floor, and they gave me like a zillion numbers, but I tracked down the right guy, and he told me he would sell me a piece but I had to come get it that morning. So I drove in this snowstorm to Bloomington, and I swear I had like almost two crashes, but it was so worth it just to see this look on your face.
Mike: Wow. I can't believe you thought of this.
[present:]
Frankie: Wow. I can't believe you thought of this.

Brick: Also, while we were at the drugstore, I got glue so now I can fix your picture frame.
[cut to:]
Frankie: Brick, what kind of pasta do you want at the top of my frame, elbow or farfalle?
Brick: Whatever you want. It's your day. And if you can find a picture of yourself to put in it, that'd be good too.

Sue: Mom, can I come with you to Grandma's?
Frankie: Oh, thank you, Sue. That'll be fun. A mother-daughter trip on Mother's Day. The whole way, we'll listen to music and gab.
[later:]
Frankie: So you wanna listen to some music?
Sue: No.
Frankie: You wanna talk?
Sue: No.
Frankie: Sue, no offense, but if I wanted to ride in silence, I would've brought your dad.

Pat: Oh, my gosh.
Frankie: Hey, Mom.
Pat: What are you girls doing here?
Frankie: We just thought we'd come up and surprise you. Looks like we did.
Pat: Oh, you know, just frosting my hair, frying a steak, and having a little glass of white zin. Okay, two glasses. You got me. [both laugh]
Frankie: Oh, well, you were looking good out there. Your leg must be feeling better.
Pat: Well, you know how sciatica is. It comes and goes. It helps to move around, and nobody gets me going like Barry.

Pat: Oh, look at you, Chop Suey. Oh, stop growing so fast and making me feel old.
Sue: Happy Mother's Day, Grandma.
Pat: Thank you, sugar. But you didn't have to come all this way. My gosh.
Frankie: Are you kidding? We couldn't let you be alone on Mother's Day.
Pat: Oh! Oh, you nut. Oh. Why did you do this? Ah. [opens present] Oh, my. Look at this. A food dehydrator.
Frankie: Well, I know how much you love dried apricots and raisins. So now you can buy apricots and grapes, make your own.
Pat: Oh, boy. And it's so big. Why don't I go make room for this in the kitchen? Come on, Chop Suey. You can help yourself to the candy drawer. Your grandpa's blood sugar's out of whack, so there's still some good stuff in there.
Sue: I don't deserve a treat. I stole an inspirational fridge magnet. [Frankie mouths to Pat]
Pat: Oh. Honey, we all do stupid things, but we all deserve chocolate. Come with Grandma. Let's talk about what happened.