Frankie: Oh, please. The Donahues aren't so great. I mean, they act all nice, but doesn't it seem a little fake, all that asking questions about how you are and how's your day?
Mike: Well, Sean can't go ten seconds without saying "please" or "thank you." That's not normal teenage behavior.
Sue: Shelly doesn't eat desserts. What's up with that?
Frankie: We get it. You're nice, but seriously, who really knows what's behind that wall of nice? People do meth. That's all I'm saying.
Brick: Hurry! They're coming!
Frankie: We missed a fry. [grabs it and eats it] It's not a fry.

Ron: Hey. What's this? Looks like a scratch.
Frankie: Okay. Here's the thing. Axl drove the Passat. And so did the rest of us. I'm so sorry. It's just so nice and new, and we're so weak and gross. Believe me, we feel horrible about this, and we'll pay to have it fixed and if you want to take back your house key while you're at it, we totally understand. Just please don't hate us.
Nancy: Why would I ever hate you? I hate myself for not telling you to drive it in the first place. [Nancy and Ron chuckle] Seriously, what is the point of having a brand-new car if you can't share it with your neighbors? I'm thrilled you drove it.
Ron: Absolutely. Hey, you saved one of us from getting the first scratch and then fighting with each other about it. [both laugh] Thanks, man. [they walk off]
Frankie: Well, now I know what's behind that wall of nice... Big, rolling fields of nice. I mean, they're just great. So, so great.
Mike: Yep. They really deserve better neighbors than us.

Frankie: [v.o.] But having us as neighbors wasn't the only low point in the Donahues' lives. They never made it to the Super Bowl, but I did. Actually, more like eight super bowls.
[Frankie stands in front of the line for the Portapotties]
Frankie: All right. Green coat, number 6. Yeah. Red earmuffs, number 3. [crowd cheers] What was that? Was that- What that a touchdown, huh?
Man: I don't know.
Frankie: Anyone? Damn it.
Woman: [Southern accent] Excuse me. I'm looking for section 15.
Frankie: Uh, yeah, it's two gates down, past the Bobblehead exhibit.
Woman: Thank you, darlin', and let me just say, all you folks around here have been so nice and neighborly.
Frankie: Oh. Well, thank you, and welcome to Indiana.
Frankie: [v.o.] Point is, I didn't have to be at the 50-yard line. The eyes of the world were on us, and I was part of something truly special, and I, for one, wasn't gonna Heck it up.
Frankie: Okay, blue gloves, number 4, and, yellow hat, number 7. Whoo! Everybody doing okay? Great. Hang in there.

Matt: Afternoon, Mrs. Heck, Mr. Heck. I wanted to thank you so much for giving birth to Sue.
Mike: Yeah, well, she did most of the heavy lifting, but you're welcome.
Matt: You mind? [eats slice of pizza]
Sue: Look what I got in the mail, my driver's ed manual! Only six more months till I'm eligible for my learner's permit, but Matt said it'd be smart to get a head start.
Matt: I.P.D.E.
Sue: Identify, Predict, Decide, Execute!
Matt: Really, sir, honored you share your daughter with me... [shakes Mike's hand] And also your pizza. [takes the pizza box]

Mike: Does he always have to be here? I mean, he's the size of Brick, but he eats more than Axl.
Frankie: Oh, come on. Matt's a good kid. Plus he's Sue's first real boyfriend. It's called being happy.
Mike: They gotta be happy in the same room as my TV?
Frankie: Seriously, Mike, bitterness is not a very attractive color on you. [gasps] Super Party-Pooper Bowl!

Frankie: Frankie Heck, reporting for duty.
Liz: And you'll be working in shuttle parking lot number 74 in French Lick.
Frankie: Wait. French Lick? That's, like, 100 miles from the stadium.
Liz: Oh, it's a satellite location.
Frankie: I'd be closer working on an actual satellite. I mean, listen, I've been stuffing envelopes and manning booths and-
Liz: Every point of light shines bright.
Frankie: Yeah, well, I'm gonna have to shine pretty freakin' bright in French Lick.
Liz: Ooh, that's the spirit! And here's your vest. Don't want to get hit by a car.
Frankie: Let me get back to you on that.

Nancy: Oh, hey, Frankie!
Frankie: Hey, Nancy.
Nancy: Oh, my God. Isn't this all so exciting? I mean, what a time to be a Hoosier.
Frankie: Maybe three minutes ago, when they were still handing out good assignments. Don't get your hopes up.
Nancy: Oh, I just came by to drop off these extra scarves I made. We're going to the game.
Frankie: The game? The game game?
Nancy: Yep. Ron was top earner for the year, so it's a little bonus. They're putting us up in a hotel, so we're taking the kids, and we're making a whole week of it.
Frankie: Well, if you park in French Lick, I'll make sure you get a good spot.
Nancy: Why would we ever park all the way down in French Lick?
Frankie: I don't know, Nancy. I just don't know.

Axl: [plays guitar solo] Hey! Nice job, fetus! You just wrecked my epic solo! Keep it down!
Brick: Look, I know you're not too familiar with how books work, but I can't read without turning pages.
Axl: Oh... [phone rings] Ooh. It's Darrin. You know the deal... Leave or pillow head.
[Axl answers phone after Brick wraps a pillow around his head]
Axl: Yo, D-train. What up?! No, dude. [Axl straps the pillow to Brick's head] I can't go for chicken right now. Last time I drove that far, my tire fell off, but, dude, I'm glad you called. Hold onto your panties for this sick jam! [plays guitar solo]

Frankie: [answers phone] What?
Nancy: Hi, Frankie. It's Nancy. I can't talk long 'cause we're at a pregame fiesta. So, listen, I called because I realized we left our brand-new car in the driveway. You mind going to the house and grabbing our key and putting it in our garage for us? It's just so brand-new, and I know those Glossner boys like to climb up on cars and press their butts against the windshield.
Frankie: No problem, Nancy.
Nancy: Thanks, Frankie. See you next week. Fiesta!

Frankie: [v.o.] New car? It figures they got a new car, and she didn't even buy it from me. Stupid new car.
Frankie: [engine starts] Oh.
Frankie: [v.o.] All I had to do was drive it into the garage... Just drive it into the garage, just like she asked me to.
[Frankie closes the Donahues' garage and reverses the car onto her own driveway]
Frankie: [v.o.] Oh, don't judge. People do meth.