Brick: You took the Fergusons' room? That's terrible!
Frankie: Yes, it is. Should we just stop here?
Mike: Let's just power through to the end.
Frankie: So... a quick 27 hours later, during which your dad was very manly and did not pass out, I was holding my sweet, new baby boy in my arms.
[flashback:]
Frankie: Hi, Brick.
Mike: You still sure about that name?
Frankie: Oh, yeah. I told you, I read where kids with interesting names grow up to be interesting people.
Nurse: How ya doin', mom? I know you don't want to give him up for even a second, but I need to take him for his heel prick test. Would you like to come watch, Mr. Ferguson? [Mike is watching the TV]
Frankie: Mr. Ferguson? [throws a grape at Mike]
Mike: Oh. Sorry. 4th and goal.

[flashback:]
Nurse: Everything looks good. You can take him back up now.
Mike: Great. [watching the TV through the window] Yeah! Interception. [claps]
Mike: [v.o.] The little cards didn't help. They both said "Ferguson." I guess they got our crappy room, but I wasn't gonna ask.
Mike: Brick? Brick!
Mike: [v.o.] I was pretty sure I picked the right one, but I knew your mom would notice if I brought back the wrong baby.
Frankie: Oh, there's my beautiful boy.
Frankie: [v.o.] And that's how we ended up taking home Blake Ferguson.

Brick: You didn't know it was me for a whole month!? But you're my parents! How could you not tell!?
Frankie: Brick, all newborns look the same. But eventually we figured it out, you know, after the authorities called.
Brick: So you're telling me I spent the first month of my life - the most important month - bonding with the Fergusons!?
Mike: Hey, I know how it sounds, but it's not that bad. You know, you were the first for the Fergusons, so they put a lot of effort into you.
Frankie: But we really are sorry, Brick.
Mike: For all of it.
Brick: Mother, Father, thank you for your delayed honesty. I'll be in my - formerly Blake's - room.
Mike: Well, that went well.

Frankie: [v.o.] It was two days, and Brick still hadn't come out of his room.
Frankie: Brick? I got your favorites: books and waffles. [Brick doesn't respond] Okay. I'm just gonna leave them outside your door. Love you.
[After Frankie walks away, Brick opens the door and pulls the book and waffles into his room]

Axl: I turned down a date with a super hot girl. What is wrong with me?
Mike: Maybe you're just run-down.
Axl: No. It's weird, 'cause when I'm not around her, I'm always thinking about her. Like, always. [chuckles] Always.
Mike: I get it.
Axl: But- But then when I am with her, I just- I can't stand her, 'cause she's just so... Dumb.
Mike: Aha. Dumb trumped hot.
Axl: Wha- Huh?
Mike: You're growing up, Axl. Today you learned that there are more important things than just a pretty face.
Axl: Whoa. Uh, it's just so hard for me to wrap my brain around that.

Mike: I know, but at some point as a man you realize, you want to be with someone you can have a conversation with, you can laugh with. That being with someone just 'cause they're hot, it's not enough. [loudly] 'course I lucked out and got the whole package.
Axl: She's not here, Dad.
Mike: Okay. The point is, I'm proud of you.
Axl: I don't want you to be proud of me. I wanna want the hot chick.
Mike: I know you do, and a part of you always will. [loudly] Not me, though.. I'm very happy. Thought I heard the door.

Mike: Look at you, ready for work without having to be dragged out of bed, and only 20 minutes late.
Axl: Yeah, new manager working at the movie theater. I wanna make a good impression.
Brick: Oh, don't forget to take Saturday off.
Axl: Yeah, like I'm gonna give up a Saturday to party down with a bunch of 6-year-olds. Ugh.
Brick: I'm 9.
Axl: Yeah, that's much cooler.

Sean: Where you been? The movie started ten minutes ago.
Axl: Sorry, man. I can't let you guys in for free anymore. I got some new manager coming in today.
Darrin: Whatever. I'm still filling up my soda jug.
Axl: Uh...
Darrin: Whoa, dude.
Kasey: You must be Axl. I'm Kasey, rhymes with lacy. Now I know you're late, but don't sweat it. I get you're not planning on working here forever. I mean, I'm only doing this until I get my grades up enough to get into beauty college. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi.
Axl, Sean & Darrin: Hi.
Kasey: Now get to work. [imitates whip crack]

Mike: What kind of an idiot puts a plastic bag In a garbage disposal?

Frankie: [v.o.] Turns out having a hot boss is the one thing that'll get a teenage boy to work on time. In fact, Axl went in a whole hour early.
Kasey: Oh, Axl, thank God you're here. I can't find the register key.
Axl: You know, there's a spare key in the office.
Kasey: I'm allowed to go in there? But the sign...
Axl: Uh, it says "Personnel only." You're personnel.
Kasey: Oh! I thought it said "personal only." It's so stupid how they spell those words the same.
Axl: Yeah, um, I'll go get the key.
Kasey: You rock!