Frankie: Well, it was a beautiful, sunny day, and I was in the kitchen standing by the sink eating sauerkraut when my water broke, so I called your dad, and he came home and got me, but when we got to the hospital, your dad thought it was ridiculous to pay $10 for parking... So he dropped me off and circled around for a meter, but it took so long, that by the time he got to the delivery room, you were halfway out. So your dad ran in, took one look, and boom! Passed out cold.
Brick: Really?
Frankie: Yeah, that's where he got that little scar on his forehead, which means... He wasn't there to see you being born. He was there to see Sue and Axl take their first breath, But not you, And that's why we never told you. We didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Mike: Sorry, pal.
Brick: I understand.
Frankie: You do? Oh. Wow. Brick, that is really mature of you.
Brick: I am 9. I really like that part about the parking meter. That sounds like Dad.
Frankie: It does.

Frankie: [v.o.] So that was that then. We were finally gonna tell Brick the truth.
Frankie: Okay, Brick... it happened this way. It was raining and snowing, one of those weird Indiana snow-rains that we get now and then.
[flashback:]
Mike: Don't worry. Your mother's picking up Sue from ballet and taking her to her piano lesson tomorrow. Man, Sue is so good at everything. I don't know how she's gonna narrow it down when she gets older.
Frankie: Oh. Here's another one. Ooh. [gasps] Wow. Look at this room. Oh. It's almost as big as our house.
Mike: The TV's almost as big as our house.
Frankie: Oh. Fruit basket. Hey, look at all those magazines! Am I gonna be sharing this room with someone else?
Nurse: No. You reserved the entire suite for yourself, Mrs. Ferguson.
Mike: Wait, we're not the F- [Frankie nudges Mike]
Frankie: You know, I really could use another pillow.
Nurse: No problem.

Sue: I would just like to point out that I was only 5. Technically 1. I'm part of the cover-up, but I was not part of the crime.

Axl: Blake was cool. You could feed him anything.
Brick: Wait. How long until you realized you had the wrong baby?
Frankie: Pretty soon... after.
Mike: Really soon.
Brick: A day? Two days?
Frankie: A month.
Brick: What?
Frankie: A month.
Brick: A month!?
Frankie: Give or take a day.

Frankie: Brick, if we're gonna do this, you got to invite a lot less. See, this is why they need smaller class sizes.
Brick: Oh, the other thing I'd like this year is to finally hear the story of the day I was born.
Frankie: Um, actually, you know, this list does seem very doable. I'm gonna get on it right now. I'll go out and see if we still have those plastic chairs.
Mike: I'll go.
Frankie: Come on.
Brick: Hmm.

Axl: Oh, my God! I got a hot boss. There's, like, whole web sites dedicated to the concept.
Sean: Enjoy the fantasy, bro, 'cause that's all it's ever gonna be.
Axl: Wrong. Why? 'cause check it out: late nights, close quarters, and no competition except that 50-year-old weirdo who works the projector.
Darrin: Did you not hear her? She's going to beauty college. She's gonna learn how to be even hotter. You got no shot.

Sue: What do you think, Brick? I made the "b" myself.
Brick: Great, great... Though it looks like rain... Much like the day I was born.
Sue: [gasps] Uh... Yeah. Oh, God. I totally forgot to wrap your present. I gotta go.
Brick: All right, Sue. What's going on? [Sue gasps] What's the deep, dark secret everyone's hiding?
Sue: Nothing.
Brick: I know what it is. I was adopted, wasn't I? That'd explain a lot.
Sue: You're not adopted, Brick.
Brick: Then why is your lip sweating?
Sue: Because... I was afraid I'd ruin your surprise. Might as well tell you now. I wrote down the whole story of the day you were born. That's the gift I had to wrap.
Brick: Really?
Sue: Yeah. You can read it if you want now. It's in my closet. In the back behind the hula-hoop. Do you see it?
[Sue closes her closet door and ties the handles together]
Brick: [o.s.] Hey!

Frankie: Brick already thinks he's adopted. Let's just go with that.
Mike: Come on. What adoption agency would give us a baby?

Sue: Make a wish, Brick.
[When Brick blows out his candles, the other kids blow their party horns]
Librarian: Shh!
Frankie: Okay. Just... look. Here. Look. Do it with your hands like this. Isn't that fun? Oh, okay. Go have fun, but remember, in ten minutes We're all gonna pose for a picture with the librarian.

[flashback:]
Mike: What'd you do that for?
Frankie: Why should we say anything?
Mike: Because the Fergusons are gonna need this room.
Frankie: Oh, it's my third kid, Mike. I'll pop this one out before they know it. Come on. For once in my life, ket me experience the horrors of childbirth in luxury.
Nurse: Here ya go. It's a new kind of foam that cradles your head like a marshmallow. Special for this suite. Now, if she needs anything else, just come get me, Mr. Ferguson.
Mike: We could use a couple more bananas in the fruit basket.