Chidi: Michael, you can't be the problem.
Michael: Oh, but I am. You see, architects aren't supposed to live in the neighborhoods they design, but I love humans, so I-I wanted to try. I see now that was a mistake. My meddling is the one true constant in all of our disasters. I tried to force Jianyu into opening up, which caused a sinkhole to open up. I kicked a puppy into the Sun, and garbage rained down. I grossly underestimated the number of shrimp needed for the opening-night party, and what flew through the sky the next day, taunting me for my failures? I'm sorry, everyone. I'm truly sorry.

Michael: Janet? [Janet appears] Please call a train to escort me into retirement. You see, the only way in and out of a neighborhood is by train, and Janet is the only one who can operate them. Oh, my dear Janet. Will you be okay after I leave?
Janet: Yes. This will not affect me in any way.
Eleanor: Jeez, show some compassion.
Janet: Well, I can't feel sad, but here's my best approximation of human crying. [fake bawling]
Michael: Oh, Janet, that was beautiful.
Janet: Yeah.

Tahani: Tonight needs to be the perfect blend of celebratory, reverential, bittersweet, upbeat, fun, and effortless. This is #TahaniTime.
Michael: What is all this?
Tahani: Oh, no, Michael, you're not supposed to see it till it's all set up. But, well, welcome to your retirement party. Look, over there, I've even set up a buffet of themed desserts, like retire-mint chocolate cake or, uh, "flan voyage."
Michael: Oh, boy.
Tahani: Oh, and here we have a pinata shaped like you, which is always fun.

Tahani: Oh, Michael, I'm so sorry. I was just trying to honor you. Please, allow me to re-conceive the event.
Michael: Of course.
Tahani: All right, everyone, we're starting over. The key word for tonight is just "somber." Jianyu, my love, we're gonna have to get rid of all of the party poppers immediately. [Jason blows a party popper] No, not by using them. No, Jianyu. Done.

Chidi: No, there's no way to stop this except confessing. Any moment now, Michael is going to get on that train, and we will never see him again, just like Professor Lindeman after I asked him to reread my 3,600-page manuscript. He said he was going out for cigarettes, but then he just left his tenured position at the Sorbonne.
Eleanor: Great story.

Eleanor: Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there.
Eleanor: Hi. So the only way out of the neighborhood is a train?
Janet: That's correct. I am the only one who can call the train, and it needs me to operate. Choo-choo. [chuckles]
Eleanor: One more question, and, um, this is a little weird, but can we... uh, shut you down?
Janet: Yes, great question. There is a kill switch in a remote sector of the neighborhood in the event that I malfunction and attempt to harm the residents. If you press it, I will be destroyed. Anything else?
Eleanor: No, that's good, thanks.
Janet: Okay. [disappears]
Chidi: Whoa, you want to kill Janet?
Eleanor: Michael can't retire if he can't leave. He can't leave if there's no Janet to run the train. It's a perfect solution. Janet, high five, please? [Janet appears and high-fives Eleanor] Thanks, babe.

Chidi: You cannot kill Janet. Killing is one of the most famous moral no-nos.
Eleanor: Janet is a nonhuman object who was sent here to help us, and the way she can help us is if we kill her. We're doing one small murder-y thing for a bigger, better reason. The ends justify the means.
Chidi: Do you know who said that?
Eleanor: Was it someone nice and great, like Oprah?
Chidi: It was Machiavelli... A very non-Oprah-like figure. And what happens after we kill her? We'll have to lie to everyone about what we did, and lying is always wrong.

Tahani: Speeches! Time for speeches, everyone. Michael, as someone who didn't exactly have the steadiest parental guidance, I just want to thank you. You were always there for us.
Michael: I shouldn't have been. I was the problem.
Tahani: Yes, but... it was also great when you weren't there.
Michael: Don't worry. Soon I won't be... forever.
Glenn: Because of The Eternal Shriek!
Tahani: Yes, thank you, Glenn. Look, what I'm trying to say is this... Michael, you always kept us warm and safe like a bright, glowing sun.
Michael: Like the one I kicked the dog into or the one I'm going to be burned on the surface of for eternity?
Tahani: Okay, no more speeches. Speeches are over. Michael's going to talk now.

Chidi: Uh, Janet, how many "Janets" have there been?
Janet: There have been 25 generations of Janet. Each new update of Janet gains more wisdom and social abilities. Fun fact... the first Janet had a click wheel.
Chidi: So it's like aging for a human? You're... you're growing up?
Janet: That's how I like to think of it, Chidi. I can't eat, so every time there's a new version of Janet, I like to take a piece of birthday cake and smash it around where my mouth is.

Janet: Please, I have so much to live for. No, no, no, please.
Chidi: We're not even near the...
Jason: [standing next to the button] Hey, guys, what's going on? That party was lame, so I bailed. Then I saw you, so I followed you here. Oh, look, a button.
Janet: No, no, no!
Chidi: Jianyu, no!
[As Jason goes to press the button, Chidi tackles him and accidentally hits the button. Janet falls to her knees and then crashes face down onto the sand.]
Jason: Ah, man, I wanted to push that button. Not cool, dude.