Jason: Whoa. What happened to Janet?
Chidi: She's... she's dead. I-I-I killed her.
Eleanor: Not killed. Remember, Janet was not a living being, so she can't be killed.
Janet: [over speakers] Attention... I have been murdered. Attention... I have been murdered. Attention... I have been murdered. Attention... I have been murdered.
Chidi: What do we do, Eleanor?
Eleanor: What do we do? Chidi, you just murdered Janet. We have to flee your crime scene. Run!
Janet: [over speakers] I have been murdered.
Chidi: Sorry, Janet!

Eleanor: Okay, dude, crash course in getting away with bad stuff. You have to act calm and cool like you don't have a care in the world. Okay? Great. [replaces Chidi's glasses with shades] Oh, wow. Look, it's "Weekend at Bernie's," 'cause you're a dead guy in sunglasses. We have fun, don't we, Chidi?
Chidi: I've never been more stressed out in my entire life.
Jason: I know what you need. Janet, can you get Chidi some weed? Oh, that's right. You killed Janet.

Michael: Well, Janet's been murdered. That's a nice capper to this wonderful day. I don't really know what happens now because Janet has never been murdered before... only today, here on my watch, while I was distracted with a party that Tahani was throwing for me, which I didn't want.
Tahani: Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.
Michael: I'm not. I'm blaming you. Anyway, what is there to say about Janet that hasn't already been said by the giant Janet alarm in the sky? "I've been murdered"! I think that says it all.

Janet: Hello. [all gasp]
Michael: Janet, you're alive!
Janet: Hello, Architect, please enter your four-digit pin.
Michael: Uh, what is it? Uh, what is it? What is it? Um... oh, right, right, right! It's my, uh... my birth year. [Michael taps in 0000] Uh... I got to change that. That's too easy to guess.

Eleanor: You got to admit... I kind of nailed it. All we have to do now is keep the secret forever. J-Dog, you cool?
Jason: No, by the time I got to the pinata, all the candy was gone.

Eleanor: Chidi? Cheedster? What's, uh, happening, buddy? You have a crazy look in your eye, and you're retreating into your shirt. You're kind of turtling.

Michael: Thank you for gathering, everyone. I want to keep you all updated. Here's what we know. Someone slaughtered Janet.
Chidi: Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Eleanor: Okay, easy.
Michael: I assume that this horrifying act is somehow related to the other issues we've had here. It also means that the problems in this neighborhood are not 100% my fault. There is something else at work here. If anyone has any information about any of this, I beg you, tell me.
Eleanor: Hey, I love you, man. [stands up] Michael... the problem in the neighborhood... is me. [all gasp] I was brought to the Good Place by mistake. I'm not supposed to be here.

Eleanor: Look, Michael is retiring. He's gonna be on an angel boat somewhere, smoking moonbeam cigars. Now, Tahani is throwing him a good-bye party. Let's go help out.
Chidi: Sure, that will more than make up for the pain and misery and lying.
Eleanor: Yes, now you're getting it.

[flashback:]
Henry: Hey, Chidi, just read your article on logical positivism... so dry.
Chidi: Oh, thanks, Henry. Whoa! New boots.
Henry: Oh, yeah, just got 'em. Saw them in the store, and I was just like, "Whoa!" Tell the truth... do you like 'em?
Chidi: Oh. Oh, yeah.
Henry: Not too red?
Chidi: No.
Henry: Crystals aren't too much?
Chidi: Crystals are not too much.
Henry: Oh, well, that makes me feel much better 'cause I was really going back and forth over whether they were worth the money. They were super expensive.
Chidi: Yeah, well, they're, uh, amazing. Those are the coolest boots I've ever seen in my life.
Henry: Thanks so much, buddy.
Chidi: Right. Bye. [to himself] My God... what have I done?

[flashback:]
Chidi: Why? Why would I tell Henry that I liked his boots? I don't like his boots. I hate his boots.
Allesandra: Yes, I know. You've talked about it for the last two days.
Chidi: I lied to him. You wrote your thesis on Kant. He believed that lying is always morally wrong... no exceptions.
Allesandra: Yes, well, Kant was a lonely, obsessive hermit with zero friends. Sometimes we do thing just to be polite, but if you really feel that strongly about it, tell him the truth. Also, I don't care, 'cause it's the middle of the night. This is why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.
Chidi: They do?