Michael: Okay, if there's anyone in the building, here's our cover story. I'm an account; you are a Neutral Janet. And you four won a contest.
Eleanor: Really?
Jason: Really?
Michael: Okay, not that. I'll come up with something better.
Chidi: Why do we need a cover story at all? There are the good guys. Let's just come clean and request asylum.
Jason: Yeah, man, we're refugees. What kind of messed-up place would turn away refugees?
Michael: The main thing I've learned about the Good Place is that they never break the rules. No way to guarantee they wouldn't send you right down to the Bad Place.

Michael: And these four here are humans, if you can believe it.
Gwendolyn: If I could believe it? Watch this... I believe it! [Michael laughs] Why are they here?
Michael: Because they won a contest.
Gwendolyn: Congratulations, guys. Come on in. This is the correspondence center. Make yourselves at home. There's a sofa, that's a bowl of fruit, that's the door to the Good Place. Ooh, this is a fun paperweight shaped like a little hat.
Tahani: I'm sorry, this right here is... is the door to, um, the Good Place?
Gwendolyn: Well, it's a door to the Good Place, but it won't open for you guys, though. The only door for humans is the Official Entrance, which is 500 trillion miles north-south-north of here. So, you're kinda just stuck inside. Wow, it's really weird that you guys won a contest to be in this building.
Michael: Well, you know, take that up with the folks at Weird Contest Magazine. Hey, why don't we help you clean up the mess in the mail room?
Gwendolyn: Wow, thanks. Did I win a contest? [forced laughter]

Tahani: Jason, you seem thoughtful and that concerns me.
Jason: Do you remember that one time when we were in Janet's void, and we all looked like Janet?
Tahani: I do, yes.
Jason: You know how I saw that thing about how Janet loves me? I don't know how I feel about her, and also, I feel bad that I sort of, like, read her diary. And she doesn't know. What should I do?
Tahani: Well, perhaps, you should tell Janet what you saw, and start a dialogue about your feelings. Who knows if a relationship will take hold, but you must begin from a place of honesty.
Jason: Thanks, Tahani. It's nice to know I can talk about girls with my wife.

Michael: Hello, everyone. I'm Michael. Thank you for coming.
Chuck: No, thank you for asking us to come. It is one of the great honors of my eternal life to be invited here by you, today, for this momentous occasion. Now, who are you, and why are we here?
Michael: Well, in a nutshell, I believe that the Bad Place has somehow infiltrated the Accounting Department, and is tampering with the points system.
Paula: My goodness, that would be a disaster. Everyone focus up. Meg, you take notes. Daisuke, open a secure channel to headquarters. Kellen, head to the farmer's market and grab us fresh peaches.
Kellen: I think pluots are in season.
Chuck: Then get pluots, Kellen. Get as many pluots as can fit in your tote bag. We're gonna be here a while.

Gwendolyn: So, how'd you two meet? Was it through the contest?
Jason: Tahani and I met in brain school, and then we got married, because nothing mattered.
Gwendolyn: You're both so attractive. Are all humans as attractive as you two?
Tahani: [laughs] No.
Gwendolyn: Fantastic.

Tahani: I'm so sorry, darling, this is all my fault. I encouraged Jason to come clean about what we saw.
Janet: You saw that too?
Tahani: No.
Janet: [groans] Jason knows that I love him, it stinks to hear about how the two of you are married, this beige outfit really washes out my not-skin, and if I don't remain neutral in front of Gwendolyn, she's gonna know we've been lying. All of these new emotions I'm feeling are about to burst out of me, which might be super embarrassing. What if they come out my butt?

Chidi: Whoa, champagne.
Eleanor: Found it in the cupboard. I think it was a gift.
Chidi: I feel kind of bad, what if it was for something really important? "Gwendolyn, here's some champagne for you for thanking me for thanking you for thanking me for thanking you for thanking me for the champagne you sent me."
Chidi: Pop that bench.

Chidi: Okay, open 'em.
Eleanor: Holy forking fork.
Chidi: What do you think? Oh, no, you're crying. I assume it's because you're happy or horny. Is this a horny cry?
Eleanor: No, I'm crying because I'm miserable, and it's all your fault.
Chidi: Why?Do you not like the outfit?
Eleanor: I love the outfit. You look amazing. And this sucks, and I'm furious, and I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I blame you.

Tahani: Hey, you two. I think I may have solved one part of our little problem. I made up a "Death Did Us Part" certificate, explaining that since Jason and I are dead, we are officially no longer fake-married. I know it's not your main concern, but whatever part of you was vexed by our silly arrangement, you can now both relax. I can tell by your silence and inability to make eye contact with me that I've knocked it out of the park.
Janet: It's a nice gesture. I feel both pitied and put on the spot, so... that's fun.
Jason: And it's a cool reminder of how I'm... dead.
Tahani: Well, forget it. Never mind. Misfire. Watch this. There, cancelled. [stamps paper]
Jason: So, you and I are married again?
Tahani: No, we... we're not. [rips up paper] Um... Bleh. [chuckles]

Tahani: Janet, I owe you an apology. I'm very sorry I meddled. Truly, I was only trying to help, because I want you two to be happy. And because, well, I love you. I really do. I love you both. [Janet sniffles] Oh, no. I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong again?
Janet: No, I'm just crying because you're such a nice and thoughtful friend. And the emotions aren't coming out of my butt, they're coming out of my eyes, which is somehow just as embarrassing. Why are you crying?
Tahani: I don't know. I'm British, I... I never cry. But you're saying these nice things about me, and it's making me cry. And also, this is less important, but the carpeting is really disgusting. [they hug and wail]
Jason: [wails]
Tahani: Why are you crying?
Jason: I just like being a part of things.