Gwendolyn: What the heck is going on in there?
Michael: Uh... [clears throat] Oh, hi there. Um, I'm... I'm an accountant. We're coming from Accounting, and as we were climbing through the... the mailbox, it... it blew up.
Eleanor: Uh... The explosion was caused by demons. We were being chased by demons.
Jason: And a Dracula. There was a Dracula chasing us.
Eleanor: Was there, though, Jason?
Jason: Yeah. Maybe Drac blew up the mailbox with his bazooka.

Gwendolyn: Well, jeez Louise, I'm sure glad you're okay. My name's Gwendolyn. Welcome to the Good Place.
Michael: I'm Michael, and this is my Neutral Janet.
Janet: Hello. Also, not hello. It's nothing to meet you. End of statement.

Eleanor: This is how I always got out of escape rooms. If you break enough stuff, they open the door and kick you out.
Gwendolyn: [o.s.] Is everything okay in there?
Eleanor: Yep.
Gwendolyn: [o.s.] Okay. No follow-up questions.
Chidi: Hey there, Smashy, before you start grabbing any other throwing lamps, you have anything you need to talk about?
Eleanor: I can't take this anymore, man. All the running and the hiding and fighting and this whole insane journey. And now all that stands between us and the actual Good Place is one door? What is that, two inches thick? That's like four Oreos. We're four Oreos from heaven.
Chidi: I know. I know. It's an insane situation, but I am right here with you. So, let's take a deep breath. [both inhale deeply] Mmm.
Eleanor: Okay, the smell of the barf from the wave pool is really helping.
Chidi: How? Why?

Michael: I need to speak with the committee regarding an urgent matter.
Gwendolyn: Oh, sorry, you'd have to contact them directly, and that's definitely against the rules.
Michael: I see. How would I contact them, though, if it weren't against the rules?
Gwendolyn: Well, by calling them on that phone, but I can't let you use it.
Michael: Right, and even if it weren't against the rules, I don't know the number, and you wouldn't tell me.
Gwendolyn: [chuckles] I couldn't. There are no numbers. You pick it up and it connects you to whomever you want, but you can't use it.
Michael: Of course not. Just as a hypothetical... Is there any way that you would know if I did use the phone? Any kind of alarm?
Gwendolyn: Golly, no.
Michael: So, it's entirely untraceable?
Gwendolyn: Sure is. What a fun thought experiment.
Michael: You said it, Gwendolyn.
Gwendolyn: Uh-huh.
Michael: Say, is that a dog barking in another room?
Gwendolyn: I doubt it, because I don't have a dog. But out of politeness and an abundance of caution, I'll go check. Hello? Doggie? [exits]
Michael: [on the phone] My name is Michael, I'm an Accountant. I need to speak with the Committee immediately, on the top floor of the Correspondence Center. Thank you.

Chidi: Brought you some water. Well, I mean, there's not a kitchen, but I found this kind of glowing bowl with liquid in it? Maybe it was a toilet. I'm gonna throw this out.
Chidi: What are you doing?
Eleanor: Trying to jimmy the lock, but everything I stick in here just turns to glitter. Ugh.
Chidi: All right, forget about the door. Look at me. Right now, we're together in heaven basically. And we're in love. Compared to some of the other stuff that's happened to us, it could be worse.
Eleanor: I guess "try and enjoy this" is a better plan than "have the anxiety sweats." Oh, check it out... straight through my sweatshirt.
Chidi: Cool. Hey. I have an idea to take your mind off the door. Let's go on a date.
Eleanor: What?
Chidi: No, I'm serious. Why not have our first date four Oreos away from paradise?
Eleanor: You still wanna go out with me after I just showed you my anxiety sweats? Man, you must really be into me.

Michael: You have to admit, it's very odd that no one has gotten into the Good Place for 500 years.
Chuck: Well, there have been dips before. Remember, like, 200,000 years ago, when they invented stabbing, and they were all just, like, stabbing each other?
Michael: Again, I urge you to look at Doug Forcett. The man has lived a selfless life, and he's not even close to getting in. The only explanation is that the Bad Place has somehow rigged the system.
Meg: I wouldn't put it past them. Every single Bad Place employee is a disgusting monster.
Michael: Well, some of 'em are probably cool, handsome, man-about-town types.
Paula: Committee, Michael the Accountant has brought us evidence of a problem, and now it is up to us to find a solution.
Meg: While you wait, Kellen will stand by you, showering you with compliments.
Kellen: Great job, Michael. You are such a good speaker. This suit is very flattering. You have a lot of gravitas.
Michael: I thought I was gonna be annoyed by this, but it's... it's wonderful.
Kellen: Your jawline is extraordinary. You're a nice height. Your energy is electric.

Gwendolyn: I gotta say, it's been really nice having a little company.
Janet: It's nice to be here. And it's not nice to not be there.

Eleanor: This is my kind of scrappy fun, sneaking around with a boy, trying not to get caught.
Chidi: I know, it's like when my parents would go to a symposium and I would sneak into their office and read the unabridged dictionary.
Eleanor: I can't believe I'm attracted to you.
Chidi: You are, though. I'm not worried about that anymore. You blew it when you admitted it to me. You still thinking about what's on the other side of that door?
Eleanor: Not really, no. Because you're here with me on this side.

Jason: Hey, Janet. Uh, so, do you remember how you killed us and brought us into your void?
Janet: I do, yes.
Jason: When we were in there, I was wandering around, because you have the ability to make anything, and I wanted to see where you keep the roller blades. And I accidentally saw that video thing about how you love me.
Janet: You saw that? That's so embarrassing.
Jason: I mean, it kind of freaked me out at first. But, hey, let's talk about it.
Janet: I don't want to talk about this. You guys were in my void, and it was exhausting, and I almost blew up, and I have to be neutral, and Neutral Janets don't have feelings...
Gwendolyn: How's it going in here?
Janet: It is going neutrally. End of conversation.
Jason: Can... Can we...
Janet: End of conversation.

Michael: Okay, there are two key things that we have to do. Make sure that no one can follow us. Janet?
Janet: On it. [blows up the mail box] What's the second thing we have to do?
Michael: Keep a low profile.