Chidi: It's okay. Cry as long as you want.
Eleanor: I'm going to. [sniffling] 'Cause my tears taste like the nacho cheese from my favorite movie theater. That's a really weird incentive to keep crying. Relationships are stupid. You're scared you're never gonna have a real one, and then when you do, you're scared it's gonna go away.
Chidi: Here's an idea. What if we don't worry about whatever comes next? There's a quote I like by Tolstoy: "There is only one time that is important: Now. It is the only time...
Both: "When we have any power."
Eleanor: I know that quote. An unverified Tyra Banks account posted that meme on Instagram.
Chidi: Well, now I hate it. [Eleanor laughs] There is another quote first spoken by a very wise, very attractive, occasionally very sweaty philosopher: "You gotta try." Now, she was talking about making the world a better place, but I think it applies to relationships too.

Paula: In light of this new information, the time has come to take decisive action.
Michael: Wow, can't tell you how happy I am to hear you say that.
Chuck: We are gonna form an elite investigative team to get to the bottom of this. And we are fast-tracking the process. It'll take no more than 400 years.
Michael: Sorry?
Paula: It's aggressive, but you heard right. We are only giving ourselves 400 years to select the members of this elite team.
Michael: Wait, 400 years just to form the team? I was thinking that we could do something now-ish. Like, right now.
Meg: Michael, we have rules, procedures. We're the good guys. We can't just do stuff.
Paula: No.
Chuck: Upon formation, the team will then be in charge of organizing a Blue Ribbon Commission to investigate themselves, to make sure there's no conflicts of interest. And that will take 1,000 years.
Michael: Okay. Just so you know, the whole time you're doing this, the bad guys are continuing to torture everyone who ends up in the Bad Place. Which is everyone.
Andie: And that deeply concerns us. Have you seen the memoranda we've sent each other about how concerned we are? We're taking this very seriously.
Kellen: Hear, hear.
Chuck: Kellan, did you file a "Hear, Hear" memorandum?
Kellen: No. Sincerest apologies. I rescind my "Hear, hear" and resign, effective immediately. [applause]

Michael: All along, I've only been looking at one Doug, but there's millions of Dougs in here. [bleeping] In 1534, Douglass Wynegar of Hawkhurst, England, gave his grandmother roses for her birthday. He picked them himself, walked them over to her, she was happy... boom, 145 points. Now... Yeah, here we go. In 2009, Doug Ewing of Scaggsville, Maryland, also gave his grandmother a dozen roses, but he lost four points. Why? Because he ordered roses using a cell phone that was made in a sweatshop. The flowers were grown with toxic pesticides, picked by exploited migrant workers, delivered from thousands of miles away, which created a massive carbon footprint, and his money went to a billionaire racist CEO who sends his female employees pictures of his genitals. Whoo!
Tahani: That is a very odd thing to cheer.
Michael: Don't you understand? The Bad Place isn't tampering with points; they don't have to. Because every day the world gets a little more complicated, and being a good person gets a little harder. Gather the others. We have a lot to do.
Tahani: But we didn't really deal with my thing... [Michael exits] Okay, I'll just figure it out.