Eleanor: Listen, dude. What you're doing here... Selling fake medicine to people, tricking them... is wrong.
Wallace: Yeah. And?
Eleanor: I can't be a part of it anymore. I'm trying to become a better person, and as long as I work here...
Wallace: Yeah, sure, fine, whatever, you quit, who cares? Give me your company ID. Thank you. And your parking pass. And your panties, please.
Eleanor: Dude.
Wallace: What? Come on. I had to try. By the way, technically, that is not sexual harassment, because she doesn't work here anymore.
Eleanor: You're wearing a wire?
Wallace: Yeah. Company's being investigated for fraud, so I'm helping the feds bring everyone down. Good timing on your part.
Eleanor: Dude, get help. I'm becoming a better person. You should, too.
Betsy: Hey, Eleanor, do you want to come to Lauren's baby shower?
Eleanor: Do you want to chew on my ass... sortment of brownies that I will be bringing to Lauren's baby shower?

Joe: Hi, there, do you have a second to talk about the environment?
Eleanor: Hey. Remember me?
Joe: Ah! Don't hurt me. My bones are brittle. I have a calcium deficiency.
Eleanor: No, I'm not gonna hurt you, man. I came to apologize. There. I did it. I apologized.
Joe: No, you didn't.
Eleanor: Yes, I did, assface. Nope. You're right. I didn't. I apologize for being mean to you like a thousand times. There's really no excuse.
Joe: Thanks. Apology accepted. Uh, what's happening? I'm scared.
Eleanor: Hey, I'm on kinda like a self-improvement kick. Do you think you could help me out, teach me to get all horny for the environment or whatever?

Eleanor: Okay, there's probably something we should tell you.
Brittany: Or not. We could also not.
Eleanor: We have to. It's the right thing to do. I tore your dress, and then I lied about it. And then Brittany and I were the ones who made and sold the T-shirts.
Brittany: But, we did not keep the money.
Eleanor: Yes, we did. We kept all the money. And I'm really sorry.
Madison: Okay. That took a lot of courage for you to admit that...
Eleanor: Mmhmm.
Madison: And I admire your honesty. You stupid skank! How could you do that to me?! I hate you! You're both disgusting hogs, and I want you to move out of my apartment forever literally starting right now!
Eleanor: I'm still really glad we told the truth.
Brittany: Cool.
Waiter: Okay. Steamed vegetable medley and ice water.
Eleanor: Can I just get the check? And can you throw these plants in the trash?

Joe: Eleanor, where have you been?
Eleanor: Oh, hey, man. Sorry, it's been a crazy month. You know, moving was a hassle, and I'm in the middle of a lawsuit, and I ate vegetables for the first time, and I got diarrhea for, like, a week.
Joe: Uh, I know we don't pay a lot, but this is a job, and we need to know we can count on you. We're meeting tonight to discuss long-term strategy for the organization. I really think...
Brittany: Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. Oh, sorry to interrupt whatever boring crap this is, but dude, you need to get dressed. I got tickets to Taylor Splift. The Taylor Swift reggae cover band. They're terrible. It's gonna be amazing. [chuckles] Mmm.
Eleanor: Yeah, that sounds like more fun. I'ma do that.
Joe: Eleanor!
Eleanor: What?! Aah! What, dude? I've been nothing but good for, like, six months, and all I have to show for it is this crummy apartment, a lawsuit, a loose caboose, and an overdrawn bank account. Being good is for suckers. What do you even get out of it?
Joe: A feeling of fulfillment in your soul.
Eleanor: Gross. That's the grossest sentence I've ever heard, okay? I quit. Eat my farts, Benedict Cumberbatch.

Eleanor: I'm only giving that guy three stars because he didn't let me stick my head out the moon roof.

Eleanor: Hello, bartender. One alcohol drink, please. It's my birthday, if you want to give it to me for free. I always say that, but it actually is my birthday. Hmm. Last year on my birthday, I almost died, and then I did a bunch of stuff that was good, but weird. And then I stopped. And now I'm here.
Michael: Sounds like you had a pretty crazy year.
Eleanor: Hm.
Michael: Wanna talk about it?

Eleanor: You know the thing is, the problem really, with being a do-gooder?
Michael: What's that?
Eleanor: No one cares. I mean, some people care a little bit. The twerpy little twerps from the environmental place, they care, but I was a good person for six months. That's like five years, and it felt okay, but not as good as I thought it would. And what did I get for it?
Michael: Ah, see, now you're talking about moral desert.
Eleanor: Exactly. Wait, I am? What?
Michael: Moral desert is the concept that if you act with virtue, you deserve a reward.
Eleanor: Right. If I'm not gonna get rewarded somehow, like a tiara or one of those diagonal award belts...
Michael: Sash.
Eleanor: Sure. Then why should I do good things?

Michael: You know, I had a friend that said whenever she was doing something bad, she'd hear this... This little voice in her head, distant little voice, saying, "Oh, come on now. You know this is wrong." And then when she started doing good things, that voice went away. It was a relief.
Eleanor: Your friend sounds like she's one pick short of a... pickle party. [chuckles]
Michael: She's a little rough around the edges, but she was also a really good person, when she tried. See, I think that little voice was her conscience, trying to guide her in the right direction.
Eleanor: I gotta go home. What do I owe ya?
Michael: The real question, Eleanor, is what do we owe to each other?
Eleanor: What? Did I sell you a drink? Am I a bartender?
Michael: [chuckles] Drinks are on me. Good luck.

Judge: So they got better in your little pretend world. That doesn't prove anything about what they were like on Earth.
Michael: No, see, I think it does prove something. If I'm right, the system by which we judge humans... The very method we use to deem them good or bad... Is so fundamentally flawed and unreasonable that hundreds of millions of people have been wrongly condemned to an eternity of torture.
Judge: Damn! That was intense! Look at my arm, y'all. Look, I got goosebumps. Doesn't happen very often.

Jason: Man. Think about everything that's happened to us. We died, Michael tortured us, we teamed up with him, we escaped, we went through the Portal, The Judge ruled against us, then Michael showed up. This has been one of the craziest years of my life.
Chidi: One of?
Jason: Yeah, I'm not sure what I would do if one more insane thing happened.