Michael: Okay, Janet's passing out the file on Tahani Al-Jamil, who volunteered to be today's test subject. So, take a look, and then we'll get going.
Tahani: They don't seem very enthused. This may be a tougher challenge than I thought, like when I tried to teach Taylor Swift how to dance. The longest four years of my life.

Eleanor: Oh, no. I knew it. You hate me now. What did it? The time I was subpoenaed by the Make-A-Wish Foundation?
Chidi: No.
Eleanor: Oh, I know what it was. In my defense, I didn't realize he was my boyfriend's twin until halfway into hooking up with him, and at that point, you know, it's a sunk cost.

Chidi: While Michael is trying to get the Architects trained, we're supposed to find the first 1,000 humans to take the test. People who will just sail right through it so we can build confidence in the system. So what are the criteria? Should it be people with the highest point totals or overcame the greatest hardship?
Jason: I think we just start with the gimmes, the very best people who ever lived. So Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me, DJ Jazzy Jeff... [gasps] A genie so we can wish for infinity people.
Chidi: Jason...
Jason: Sure, throw me in there, too. Also, Fat Bastard, the World's Most Interesting Man, Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's, Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive... [sighs] Feels like a good stopping point. Let's call it a day, come back fresh tomorrow. Great job, everyone.

Eleanor: I love you, okay?
Chidi: Oh. The words are nice, but the tone is scary.
Eleanor: We're in love, and everything's great, and if we want to keep it that way, you have to promise to never, ever, ever read my file.
Chidi: Okay. If you don't want me to, then of course I won't, but nothing in there could ever change how I feel about you.
Eleanor: Eh... You say that now, but you don't know what I did on Halloween 2013.
Chidi: What did you do on Halloween 2013?
Eleanor: Oh, I don't remember, but it must've been bad, because the next morning, I woke up in a large Rubbermaid container in some family's basement, and I had barfed all over their old photo albums. Yeah, see, that's the look we're trying to avoid here, bud.

Tahani: [to Michael] It's obvious what's going on here. You don't want your nemesis to be the one to solve your problem.
Janet: I know that feeling. Once, on Earth, I didn't know something, and I had to ask Alexa. I felt dirty.

Michael: No, that's not it. [sighs] I'm upset, because for hundreds of years, I've had a job. First, it was finding a better way to torture humans, then helping them, then proving the system was broken, then teaching the demons. I have to roll a rock up a hill over and over, and then it kept rolling down, so I had to do it again. And then Vicky comes along with this... like, rock-lifter thing and just lifts it to the top of the hill. Pushing the rock up the hill gave me a purpose. Who am I... if the rock's gone?
Tahani: Ironically, that's exactly what Vin Diesel asked me when Dwayne Johnson refused to appear in The Fast and the Furious 9. Not helpful? Copy that.

Megan: You said smaller and more relatable. The bear is smaller, humans hate Mondays and love bacon. What do you want from me?
Vicky: Michael, can I try? I can show them what you're trying to do.
Michael: Fine, Vicky. Go ahead.
Vicky: Now, first, I need to get into Tahani's headspace. [British accent] 'Ello, love. Pish-posh. Tuna and pickles. I once played billiards with Questlove and Olivia Munn. [normal voice] Yeah, there she is. Okay, just give me a second.

Janet: You got the rock up the hill. And it looks like it's gonna stay there. Now we just have to find your next rock.
Eleanor: Well, the first bunch of neighborhoods is up and running. What now? [bright chime]
Tahani: That's the sound when someone gets into the Good Place.
Eleanor: Who was it? Prince? It's got to be Prince. Honestly, if it wasn't Prince, this whole thing is screwed up, and we got to start over.

[video:]
Chidi: After as many attempts as it takes, if your human passes the test and proves that they deserve to go to the Good Place, you'll hear this sound. [bright chime]
Tahani: Good Place, here I come.
Jason: This new system is great. Who do we have to thank for effortlessly implementing it?
Michael: Whoever it is, I think we can all agree it was a home run. It was me. Okay, bye, everyone.
[in the conference room:]
Steve: Sweet Hitler's hairpiece. Is this movie finally over?
Michael: It's basically over. Just one little...
[video:]
Janet: [sings] It's simply the test Better than other tests

Michael: Sorry for the delay. Now, for this next phase of the training...
Vicky: Stop right there.
Michael: Vicky? I thought I got rid of you, and now you're coming through the door unexpectedly?
Vicky: That's right. I'm launching a coup. My, my, my, we've got some history, don't we? But I am still standing, Mikey boy. And right now I'm taking over.
Michael: Explain what you mean for me and everyone else.
Vicky: Oh, this is my training now. You're done. And all of these demons are behind me, right, guys? [demons agreeing]
Michael: All right, Vicky, you win... this time. Tahani, Janet, let's go.
Vicky: Hmm. No, but wait, wait. We're... we're still fighting. And it's so heated that, um, it might just erupt into...
[quietly] The dance battle from West Side Story.
Michael: No, I'm... I'm too upset about the coup thing. [to Janet and Tahani] Hurry up, hurry up, before she starts singing.