Michael: I don't know what's happening to me. I mean, it's my duty to be calm and in control and I'm falling apart.
Tahani: No, Michael, you are a paragon of fortitude. You're a mountain of strength.
Michael: I'm not a mountain of strength. I'm a canyon full of poo-poo. [sobbing]

Michael: Ah, Eleanor. Good morning.
Eleanor: Michael. Do you know what the best part about this place is? You figured out how to make a to-go cup that doesn't leak right where the seam meets the lid.
Michael: Oh, I'm so glad you noticed. I was very proud of that. One of the hardest problems I had to solve. Eleanor, I know what you did. Cleaning up the entire neighborhood by yourself. [laughs] I knew you were special, but this is proof.
Eleanor: Well, I was just doing my part. You know? And, um, since I'm special, your words, I didn't get to fly.
Michael: I'm sorry. No, I've had to ban flying for 1,000 years. Too many injuries. One resident hit a rotting turkey carcass at 1,000 miles an hour. It just exploded into this fireball of turkey flesh and bones sinew. Anyway... Enjoy your coffee. And the cup.

Chidi: So I have moved out of my apartment officially and into your guestroom. Figured it would cause less suspicion and make things easier for our "good person" lessons.
Eleanor: Cool. Uh, just FYI, I'm a very loud snorer. And I like to drip dry in the nude, so eyes to yourself, perv.
Chidi: Okay, fine. Now you got a long way to go to pull this off. It will take hours and hours of studying ethics and moral philosophy. We're gonna have assignments and quizzes and papers. It's gonna be so much fun.
Eleanor: Remind me what I'm getting out of this again.
Chidi: You get to avoid eternal damnation.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah. Right.

Eleanor: Hey, I got you a present.
Chidi: What?
Eleanor: Senegal.
Chidi: That's not a present; that's just common decency.
Eleanor: Yeah, but I forkin' nailed it.
Chidi: Good talk.
[Eleanor notices a piece of paper being slipped under her front door. She walks over and picks it up. It reads "You don't belong here." Eleanor rushes out of her front door to try catch the person who left the note. There's nobody there.]
Eleanor: Ah, shirt.

Eleanor: I can't believe all these people are passing on flying to pick up garbage all day. [chuckles] Have fun, nerds. I'll be soaring through the air like a forkin' bird.
Chidi: [raises hand] Eleanor and I would love to help.
Tahani: Ah, hurrah-hurrah, yay.
Eleanor: Dude.
Chidi: You want to prove you're not selfish? Here's the perfect test. There's something fun that you want to do, and then there's something less fun that people are doing for the common good. Which do you choose?

Chidi: I, uh... I don't know what to do here. This is a mess, morally speaking. This is a putrid, disgusting bowl of ethical soup.
Eleanor: Okay, well how about we just chill and go to the town meeting and talk it out after?
Chidi: W--
Eleanor: Great. Hey, how do I make that helper woman show up? Hello? Front desk lady? Magical slave robot? Excuse me, Janet?
Janet: Hi, there.
Eleanor: [gasps] Gah--still not used to it.

Eleanor: Okay, things are settling down outside. I think it's time to make me good, partner. How do we do it? Is there a pill I can take or something I could vape? Where did you get a chalkboard?
Chidi: It's the Good Place; you can get anything you want at any time.
Eleanor: And you chose a chalkboard?

[flashback:]
Eleanor: Okay, names in the hat. Time to pick a designated driver. And the loser is... Betsy.
Betsy: Wait, you never get picked, and you're always the one who draws the name. Let me see that.
Eleanor: There's no need. Everyone here believes in my integrity 100%, right, guys?
Betsy: Give it to me.
Eleanor: [eats the paper] For the record, I did that out of principle, because it absolutely had your name on it.
Betsy: If I check the other ones, I can figure it out by process of elimination.
Eleanor: [eats all the paper] Again... Out of principle. Let it wash over you, Betsy. This is what integrity looks like.

Eleanor: Hey, up there, having fun, or does it maybe suck, probably?
Jessica: Well, I wouldn't call it fun, I'd say it's like 50 million simultaneous orgasms, but better. How's volunteer garbage pickup?
Eleanor: About the same.
Jessica: Great! Whee!

Eleanor: Hey, Gunnar! Hey, Antonio!
Gunnar: Hey, Eleanor. Isn't this great?
Eleanor: Um, yeah. When I thought of the afterlife, I totally pictured being an unpaid, non-flying janitor.
Antonio: Us too! [laughter]
Eleanor: You guys are so fun. Just relentlessly fun. I keep thinking, "When are they gonna stop being fun?" And the answer is never. You're never gonna stop. [both giggling]