Tahani: I suppose you knew that Jianyu was a fake, didn't you?
Eleanor: Yes, I did.
Tahani: Figured you two charlatans would sniff each other out like two mangy rats sharing a pizza crust in a sewer...
Eleanor: Okay... no. We're not gonna do this. We are not gonna be those women who fight over a guy and find any excuse to rip each other apart.
Tahani: I am not going to apologize for being angry. You knew that my soul mate was lying to me.
Eleanor: Yes, I did, and I'm very sorry. Listen, you and I have a weird, complicated, forked-up friendship, but it's our friendship, and I care about it. Let's do something fun. What would make you feel happy, right now?

Michael: Oh, good, you're back.
Chidi: Yeah, I, uh, I know we're short on time, but I need your help with a personal dilemma.
Michael: [sighs] This is about Fake Eleanor and Real Eleanor.
Chidi: Yes, which person is my soul mate?
Michael: Real Eleanor, that's what the system determined.
Chidi: Okay.
Michael: Of course, the system did screw up by letting Fake Eleanor in. You know, it's interesting. Fake Eleanor being selected accidentally and then you bonding with her could have shifted the formula.
Chidi: Right, it's one of those two people.
Michael: Well, I d... I don't know. I mean, the system might be so screwed up at this point that maybe you don't belong to either Eleanor. [groans] Oh... You is spreading...
Chidi: What?
Michael: Your indecisiveness is infecting me like a virus. Oh, Chidi, this could send us down a very dangerous path. If you can't make a choice, this whole neighborhood could fall apart.

[flashback:]
Chidi: Okay, getting close here. Just mulling the ethical ramifications of various soups.
Uzo: Ah, same old Chidi.
Waiter: I can come back for a fifth time.
Chidi: Yeah, you know, maybe that's smart. [laughs] How are you? Uzo, it's been too long.
Uzo: It has, it has. Look, as you know, Ellen and I are engaged. You're my oldest friend, and I love you like a brother, and that's why I'd like you to not be my best man.
Chidi: Sorry?
Uzo: Look, if you were my best man, you'd have to plan the bachelor party, decide what to say in your toast, handle problems that pop up the day of. It would drive you up the wall.
Chidi: Well, Uzo, this isn't choosing soccer teams on a playground. When something's important to me, I can make a decision. Watch. [to the waiter] Um, excuse me, excuse me. I have decided I would like to unequivocally order the pumpkin soup.
Waiter: Perfect.
Uzo: You kind of want to change your order.
Chidi: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. [chases after the waiter] Excuse me. Risotto. Risotto!

Tahani: As much as I'm enjoying this, shouldn't we be working on your case to try and stay here?
Eleanor: Honestly, how am I gonna help them? They are much smarter than me. Now, hair extensions? This is where I shine. You were already at almost-maximum hotness, but now you look like a sexy, tan Rapunzel. [sighs] Ugh, the dream.
Tahani: And how exactly did you learn how to do this?
Eleanor: When I was 14, I had to make myself look older to get a job. These were the ones I used, and they are real cheap. You're gonna want to stay away from open flames and altercations at outlet malls.

Michael: Here, we've got your soul mate options: Eleanor, Real Eleanor, and a theoretical third person. Let's call her... strawberry mango twist. Okay, close your eyes. Think about each of the women. [slides forward a frozen yogurt] Open your eyes. The answer is Real Eleanor.
Chidi: How do you know?
Michael: I don't, but the minute I said that, you knew instinctively whether it felt right.
Chidi: Well, hang on, let me think about that. Because it...
Michael: No, no. No more thinking, Chidi. Just do something. Indecision caused you so much agony in your life, right up to the very end.

[flashback:]
Chidi: I had a little trouble writing my speech. Um... I wrote 11 different versions.
Uzo: Wedding's in 20 minutes, buddy.
Chidi: Oh, boy, I mean, these run about 55 minutes a piece. I'm really hot. Is this air conditioner even working?
Uzo: Yes, it is. You're just having a literal meltdown. Also, you're not dressed yet, and we haven't picked up the rings.
Chidi: Okay, well, uh, there's an issue there involving what I consider to be unfair labor practices on the part of the jeweler.
Uzo: And we never had a bachelor party because you could never settle on a location or time.
Chidi: I'm sorry, you were right. This is too much for me. You should just leave me here and go get married.
Uzo: Yeah, here's the thing, bud: my wedding isn't for another month. This was a test to see if you could handle being my best man, and, just as I predicted, you failed, miserably.
Chidi: Oh, no. No, I mean, I'm... I'm relieved, but this is embarrassing.
Uzo: It's okay, bud. Obviously, I prepared for this. Let's just go have a nice night. I'll buy you a beer.

[flashback:]
Uzo: 30 minutes, Chidi? We have been trying to pick a bar for 30 minutes. It is literally impossible to be your friend. You're incapable of making a single decision.
Chidi: Look, I know I can be indecisive, but what's the harm in taking a few extra minutes to find the perfect...
[An air conditioner falls from a window above and hits Chidi]
Uzo: Chidi?
[present:]
Chidi: You're right. I just need to make a decision. I'm gonna look each of these women in the eye, trust my gut, and figure out how I feel.
Michael: You're kidding. That worked? Great! Go do it! Ha!

Tahani: It's funny... I was devastated when I found out that he wasn't my soul mate, but now I think I've dodged a bullet. He's a simple man.
Eleanor: I once watched him eat electrical tape right off the roll. He thought it was a Fruit by the Foot that had gone bad.
Tahani: Thank you for being such a great friend to me today.
Eleanor: 'Course, hot stuff. I got your back.

Real Eleanor: Eleanor, hey, I just wanted to see if you'd talked to Chidi.
Eleanor: Uh, yeah, I did.
Real Eleanor: I mean, you don't have to tell me what you said. I just wanted to see if you're okay.
Eleanor: Oh, man, you are a good person. I swear, if I had known you and Tahani and Chidi on Earth, I might have for real gotten into the Good Place.

Tahani: Chidi, I also have to apologize. It's just that when I found out that Jianyu wasn't my soul mate, I-I desperately needed something to keep me afloat, and, well, you were the nearest lifeboat, as it were. And yes, we do have the sort of connection that only two highly educated, sophisticates could have, but it's not true love. True love is what Janet and Jianyu have.
Chidi: Yeah. What?
Tahani: Oh, we would love to stay and chat, but we need to find Michael. Eleanor, I think I figured out a way for you to stay.