Eleanor: I dated many annoying guys, okay? They would call me all times of the day "just to talk" or ask me if I'd taken cash out of their wallets, stupid stuff. And when I stopped having fun with them, I'd leave. Usually wouldn't even call or anything. I'd just bounce.
Chidi: Gotta go spend that money you stole.
Eleanor: Point is, you are way more of a buzzkill than any of those dudes.
Chidi: Okay, thanks for this conversation.
Eleanor: But, somehow, I never want to leave you. I want to stay in the Good Place because of you. Because I love you. I think. No, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I love you. Ugh, that's embarrassing. [laughs] I feel so itchy. Sorry. Don't say anything. I just needed to get that off my chest. Okay, I'm gonna go. Catch you later, silly Billy. Ugh, love has made me a nerd. Bye.

Zach: [on TV] It looks calm now, but the storm is imminent. We're...
Jason: [on TV] What's up, Carson Daly? My name is Jason. I wanna give a shout-out to all my homies up in Jacksonville.
Zach: [on TV] I am not Carson Daly. I'm a weather reporter. A hurricane is coming. You need seek shelter.
Jason: [on TV] I'm on TV!
Zach: [on TV] Okay.
Jason: Hey, Janet?
Janet: [appears] Hi, there. What are you watching?
Jason: My greatest accomplishment ever. I'm trying to cheer myself up because I'm sad. I think I might be in big trouble. Can you bring me something that will make me not-sad?
Janet: Let me think. [Janet disappears and returns with a tray of Buffalo Wings] Sorry that took so long. Here you go.
Jason: Oh, dang. Are these from my favorite restaurant, Stupid Nick's Wing Dump?
Janet: Stupid Nick's closed down because a pelican fell in the flash fryer, but he opened a new place called Ugly Nick's Meat Trench. These are an exact replica of that recipe.

Eleanor: Hey... I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you about Jianyu and that you got saddled with him.
Tahani: Yes, that is regrettable, but... I forgive you. [laughs] Maybe you two are soul mates. [both chuckle]
Eleanor: Holy shirt. Maybe we are. I know it seems crazy, but... but think about it: Jianyu is a hot dummy, definitely my type. We both love to dance, we were both banned from public transit systems in our cities. I think this is the answer. People come in pairs here, and if the system paired us up, then maybe somehow I do belong here with him.
Janet: [appears] Hi, there. Jason and I are getting married in ten minutes, and you're invited.

Janet: Jason, when I was rebooted, and I lost all my knowledge, I was confused and disoriented, but you were always kind to me. And according to the central theme of 231,600 songs, movies, poems, and novels that I researched for these vows in the last three seconds, that's what love's all about. Does anybody here object to this marriage?
Eleanor: Of course we do... how could not object?
Tahani: Yes, it is a terrible idea.
Janet: Overruled. Jason?
Jason: Mm-hmm?
Janet: Do you want me to be your wife?
Jason: Yeah.
Janet: I want you to be my husband.
Jason: Tight.
Janet: So, by the power vested in me, by me, I now pronounce us husband and wife.
Jason: We did it! [laughs] Can I kiss you, or will I be electrocuted?

Michael: Bambadjan was a human rights advocate, so he and Real Eleanor will build a sort of legal argument.
Eleanor: Um, ahem, could you please just say "Eleanor," and maybe point to whichever one of us you're addressing?
Bambadjan: Well, actually, the fake/real distinction helps me.
Eleanor: Oh, does it, Bambadjan?

Michael: Okay, we have so many big choices to make. Let's... let's start small. Do you want to use a dry erase board or the regular pen and paper? Just pick.
[flashback:]
Young Uzo: Chidi, just pick! Come on, Chidi, pick someone.
Young Chidi: Don't pressure me, Uzo. I have to consider all the factors. Athletic strategies, the fragile egos of my classmates, and gender politics. Should I pick a girl as a gesture towards women's equality, or... or is that pandering? Or do I think it's pandering because of my limited male point of view? I'm vexed, Uzo, vexed.
Young Uzo: You're always vexed. Just pick.
Young Chidi: Okay, fine, uh, I choose Tokunbo.
Young Uzo: You can't draft the teacher. Pick a kid.
All: Come on, Chidi. Just pick someone. [bell rings]
Young Uzo: Congratulations, Chidi. You filibustered recess.

Tahani: Yet another lie. You didn't paint this. You got Janet to do it.
Jason: No, no, no, Chidi did it. I got you an awesome painting, but then he switched it to this one because he said you'd like it more, and he made me memorize stuff to say to you so you wouldn't be so sad. This is all his fault. You should yell at him.
Tahani: [scoffs] Chidi helped you make me happy. It's almost as if he was trying to... Oh, oh, my. Of course.
Jason: This is the cool painting I made. This guy's famous. I mean, who even are those ladies?

Tahani: [enters] Jianyu's a fake. He's not supposed to be here. Just like your "soul mate." More importantly, you did the ballerina painting 'cause you were trying to protect my feelings, because you love me. Oh, Chidi, don't you see? This is the real mistake that was made in our neighborhood. You and I are soul mates. It makes so much sense.
Chidi: Oh, but...
Tahani: No, Chidi, true love is rare, like a desert flower betwixt two oases, but true love's also very simple. And right now, I'm just a girl... towering over a boy... asking him to admit he loves me.
Eleanor: I feel like her confession of love was a lot better than mine. Can I get a do-over?
Chidi: I need to step outside... for some air, and I will not be back for many days.
Eleanor: Dude, you can't just run away. You have to... [sighs]

Jason: Why are you so nice to me?
Janet: Well, you were very nice to me while I was rebooting. Also, I'm programmed to be nice to everyone.
Jason: Janet? I just realized something. I love you.
Janet: Okay.
Jason: I have one more question for you.

Tahani: So you also love Chidi, and you... you just told him, just now, right before I did?
Eleanor: Technically, you told him that he loves you, but yes.
Tahani: [sighs] This isn't ideal. We must remain civil. He's simply going to have to pick one of us, and the loser will just have to accept her fate with grace and equanimity.
Eleanor: Maybe if you lose. If he doesn't pick me, I'ma start throwing stuff.
Tahani: Classy as always.