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‘The Sisters’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: The Sisters

212. The Sisters

Aired January 3, 1987

Dorothy plans a big surprise for Sophia's birthday by flying her sister, Angela, over from Sicily.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Aw. Well, my sister Charmaine was insanely jealous of me from the time I was a gorgeous little infant. See, she was one year ahead of me in school and we used to compete for everything. But there was one thing that Charmaine did excel at, cheerleading. Not only could she twirl that baton like a propeller, but she knew every cheer in the county. And she could twist her body into the shape of a letter R. Well, finally Charmaine decided it was her turn in the spotlight, so she challenged me to compete against her for captain of the cheerleading squad. When the day came, we had to perform in front of the entire school, and Charmaine was fantastic. She twirled those batons so fast, she looked like a DC3 coming in for a landing. Then it was my turn. So I did some cartwheels and only fell once. I did a handstand and almost got my balance. And I only dropped my baton four times. And when I was finished, I was unanimously voted captain of the cheerleading squad.
Dorothy: Blanche, how was that possible?
Blanche: Underneath my regulation uniform, I was wearing little, black French lace panties. Bearing the words "bonjour". Or was it "bon appétit"? I don't remember. Anyway, it was something in French. I guess, nobody minded that I couldn't do a handstand, but they surely did appreciate me trying.
Dorothy: Then I don't understand. Blanche, just once, why couldn't you let your sister win?
Blanche: I told you. Jealousy is a terrible thing. That'll teach Charmaine to be Daddy's favorite.

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Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Dorothy, shall I get Angela's luggage?
Dorothy: She doesn't have any luggage.
Angela: No, I never travel with luggage. Ever since the time I found a dead man in my suitcase.
Blanche: You found a dead man in your suitcase?
Angela: Right. Picture it. New York City. 1956. I was a young widow returning to Sicily. There I was on the boat alone, watching Lady Liberty grow smaller in the distance. When suddenly I heard a voice from the vicinity of my knees. I looked down. There was a midget. It turns out that his name was Peewee Bonbunzi, and he was fleeing from the Mob. For the next few days, we ate together, laughed together, and went for short walks in circles. And then, one day, suddenly Peewee disappeared. Well, we docked in Sicily and I was going through customs. And I noticed a strange odor coming from my suitcase. I thought it was the veal shank that I was bringing over for Mother's Day. But when the customs man opened the suitcase, there was Peewee. Someone had stuffed him in my suitcase between the veal shank and my beaver coat. Well, the Mob had gotten Peewee after all.
Blanche: Oh, God, you must have been heartbroken.
Angela: I was absolutely devastated. I mean, first I had to burn the suitcase and then the beaver coat. And the veal shank never did taste right.
Dorothy: Oh, Aunt Angela, you made that up.
Angela: Hey, I'm 80. As long as I keep talking, I know my heart is still beating.
Blanche: Angela, may I offer you something to eat?
Angela: As long as it isn't veal. Why it's not because of Peewee. I had some on the plane.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: If you don't apologize, why don't you leave?
Angela: Why should I apologize?
Sophia: I'll tell you why. Because you're nothing but a backstabbing Judas in sensible shoes.
Angela: Oh, yeah? Well, you know what you are? You're a two-lira tramp with cheap bridgework.
Sophia: May you put your dentures in upside down and chew your head off.
Angela: May your legs grow old and gnarled and withered like an olive branch. You should be so lucky.
Sophia: May your moles grow hair thicker than Jerry Vale's.
Angela: May your marinara sauce never cling to your pasta.
Sophia: [gasps] That's it. Come back here and say that to my face.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Girls, there is only one way we're going to solve this problem. We have to find out what Sophia and Angela are mad about. And then force them to sit down and settle it. It's like that old Scandinavian saying. "You can let two angry mackerel fight it out in a purse, but don't ever plan on carrying that purse to a formal affair." Well, it loses a little in the...
Dorothy, Blanche & Rose: Translation.
Rose: But the point of it is, it's human nature to want to make up. I mean, people stay angry out of habit.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing home?
Sophia: Oh, I left my shopping list in the kitchen.
Rose: There you are, Sophia. She outsmarted me, Dorothy.
Dorothy: You're kidding. I mean, how is that possible?
Rose: It wasn't my fault. We were backing down the driveway and Sophia told me I ran over Mrs. Stofer.
Dorothy: And you believed her?
Rose: Well, I had to check. Last week I did pin her and her walker to the fence on a wide right turn.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Hi, Ma.
Sophia: [sighs] Wait a minute. Aren't you going to ask me why I'm sitting in the dark?
Dorothy: I already know. Your birthday's this weekend and you're depressed about being older.
Sophia: No, I'm not. I'm depressed because you give me such lousy birthday presents.
Dorothy: Ma, you want better presents, adopt Monty Hall.
Sophia: I wish I could. Jewish sons are the best. They give great gifts, always call, and you don't have to worry about them getting hurt playing sports.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: What are you getting Sophia, Dorothy?
Dorothy: I would rather not say.
Blanche: It's a surprise.
Rose: You know what it is?
Blanche: That's right.
Rose: Well how come she gets to know and I don't?
Dorothy: Rose. Rose, Rose, Rose. How can I say this diplomatically?
Blanche: You're a blabbermouth, Rose.
Dorothy: You're a blabbermouth.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: OK, so I made one little slip. So I told Harriet Webster you had your ears pinned back in college.
Blanche: Oh! Dorothy, you had your ears pinned back. What did they use, a big ear stapler?
Rose: OK, so I made a few little slips. But I can keep a secret, Dorothy. I'll prove it to you. You tell me what you got for Sophia and if I spill the beans, I'll give you my most prized possession.
Dorothy: No, Rose, I couldn't do that. I couldn't accept your favorite album, Hans Klabnermeyer Yodels Beethoven.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Rose, are you still here? Dorothy's due back with Angela any minute.
Rose: Sophia keeps coming up with excuses not to go shopping.
Sophia: I'm ready, Rose.
Rose: Sophia, what's the matter?
Sophia: I saw the doctor yesterday and he- I can't talk about it. Let's go to the mall.
Blanche: Wait a minute. What is it, Sophia?
Sophia: Alright, you dragged it out of me. He said my heart is a time bomb. But don't be concerned. Except for the fact I've only made love in one position, I've led a very full life.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Wait a minute. Isn't there something we can do?
Sophia: He says any little shock or surprise and it's kaboom. I guess all we can do is pray. Unless you know of any surprises, Rose?
Blanche: Sophia, now, you stop trying to trick Rose, just because she's weak and vulnerable and dim-witted.
Rose: Yeah.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: OK, Blanche, I give up. Come on, Rose, let's go shopping. Listen, Rose, I'm sorry you got stuck shopping with me. I realize Dorothy is forcing you.
Rose: No, she isn't.
Sophia: Yes, she is. She always makes you do her dirty work. She always takes terrible advantage of you, Rose.
Rose: We should go.
Sophia: Wait. Listen. When we go to the movies, who always stands in line for the popcorn?
Rose: I do.
Sophia: When we vacuum who always lifts up furniture?
Rose: I do.
Sophia: When we clean the kitchen, who always mops?
Rose: Dorothy.
Sophia: Who cleans the mop?
Rose: I do.
Sophia: She takes advantage, Rose, and it's time you stood up to her. And there's no time like the present. And speaking of presents-
Dorothy: Rose, what are you doing here? I thought I asked you to take Ma shopping.
Rose: You can take your mop and put it where herring don't swim.

Quote from Blanche

Angela: You know, Blanche here could be the identical twin of your cousin Apollonia. Apollonia was a stunningly beautiful woman.
Blanche: Oh, thank you.
Angela: Except for that huge donkey butt.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Angela?
Angela: No, Gina Lollobrigida.
Sophia: This is my surprise?
Dorothy: Yes. Happy birthday, Ma.
Sophia: Happy birthday? You call this old bag a present?
Angela: You brought me all the way from Sicily to be insulted?
Sophia: I hate that woman.
Angela: I hate her double.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Well, did you get 'em talking?
Dorothy: Nope. I just spent a half an hour out in the hall talking to two closed doors.
Rose: Don't feel bad. Sometimes when I'm upset I talk to the little pigs on my shower curtain.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: But don't forget we are dealing with two old women who think that boils on a man are a sign of virility. I mean, logic doesn't exactly apply here.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: I always thought it was the size of a man's feet that were a sign of virility.
Blanche: Really? I always thought it was the number of newspapers piled outside the motel room door.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Aunt Angela, please. We have to talk.
Angela: What's to talk about? Your mother's a stubborn old goat, who apparently pays a buck and a half to have her hair done.
Dorothy: What is going on between you two?
Angela: I don't want to talk about it.
Dorothy: Now look, I have spent weeks working on this surprise, only to have it blow up in my face. And don't you think I at least deserve to know why.
Angela: OK. OK, you want to know so bad, I'll tell you right now. Picture it. New York City. Christmas 1955. It's Francesca Ragouso's annual Christmas bash. Everybody is there, eating, drinking, guzzling the Pepto-Bismol. Well, I mean, Francesca's a beautiful woman, but she makes a manicotti like you could anchor a boat with. Ah, well, as usual Sophia's stationed at the eggnog and she's drinking right from the bowl through a swizzle stick. My husband Carmine walks in and passes right under the mistletoe. Well, she makes a beeline to him and gives him such a kiss she can practically suck the beard off his face.
Dorothy: I don't remember Uncle Carmine having a beard.
Angela: He was in a Santa suit and he had one of those hook-on beards. Well, I mean, I can't believe what I'm looking at. So I go to her and I yank her into the pantry and I say, "What do you think you're doing?" She says she thought Cunio the bookmaker was in the Santa suit. And I say, "That's a lie." Well, we have a big fight about it. She denies the whole thing and we never speak again.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Oh, come on. Aunt Angela, that was 30 years ago. Don't you think you should talk to each other?
Angela: I'm not going to say one word to her unless she apologizes. That's the only reason I came over here.
Dorothy: Aunt Angela, please. We're talking about family here. Won't you try to work it out? Do it for your favorite niece.
Angela: What's your cousin Graziella got to do with this?
Dorothy: Please, just do it. Please. Please. Pretty please.
Angela: Oh, all right. All right. Don't beg. You sound just like your Uncle Carmine after he'd been away on a goat drive.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: So you're not going to tell us what happened?
Sophia: Nope.
Rose: Well, Sophia, that's your choice, but I think you're making a mistake. You see, the same thing happened in my family once. My cousin Astrid-
Sophia: All right, all right. I'll tell you what happened. Picture it. New York City. Christmas, 1955. Francesca Ragouso's annual Christmas bash. Everyone was there including the neighborhood heartthrob Salvadore de Milo. All the women adore Salvadore. Mainly because he's the only guy in the room with a neck. Anyway, I'm feeling a little queasy. Francesca makes a great party, but she bakes a manicotti you could anchor a boat with. So I go upstairs for a seltzer when suddenly Salvadore grabs me from behind and begins passionately kissing me. Being a respectable married woman, I cop a few good feels, push him away and run back to the party. But I have to tell someone what happened. So I tell the only person in the world I trust, my sister Angela. Five minutes later, everybody at the party is talking about it. So I drag Angela into the pantry and ask her how she could betray her own sister. We have a big fight, she denies everything and we never speak again.
Blanche: But, Sophia, honey, that was 30 years ago. Isn't it time to forgive and forget?
Sophia: Forget I do plenty. I never forgive.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma. Angela has something she'd like to say.
Blanche: So does Sophia.
Sophia: Hello.
Angela: Yeah, hello.
Sophia: Your hair got white.
Angela: So did yours.
Sophia: You still got that cat?
Angela: The same cat I had 30 years ago?
Sophia: Fine. You ask the questions.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Aunt Angela, you really don't have to go.
Angela: Thank you, Dorothy, I'd like to stay, but I hate your mother. Goodbye, ladies, and thank you for everything.
Sophia: She's still here?
Angela: No, I left an hour ago. What does it look like?


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