Blanche: Aw. Well, my sister Charmaine was insanely jealous of me from the time I was a gorgeous little infant. See, she was one year ahead of me in school and we used to compete for everything. But there was one thing that Charmaine did excel at, cheerleading. Not only could she twirl that baton like a propeller, but she knew every cheer in the county. And she could twist her body into the shape of a letter R. Well, finally Charmaine decided it was her turn in the spotlight, so she challenged me to compete against her for captain of the cheerleading squad. When the day came, we had to perform in front of the entire school, and Charmaine was fantastic. She twirled those batons so fast, she looked like a DC3 coming in for a landing. Then it was my turn. So I did some cartwheels and only fell once. I did a handstand and almost got my balance. And I only dropped my baton four times. And when I was finished, I was unanimously voted captain of the cheerleading squad.
Dorothy: Blanche, how was that possible?
Blanche: Underneath my regulation uniform, I was wearing little, black French lace panties. Bearing the words "bonjour". Or was it "bon appétit"? I don't remember. Anyway, it was something in French. I guess, nobody minded that I couldn't do a handstand, but they surely did appreciate me trying.
Dorothy: Then I don't understand. Blanche, just once, why couldn't you let your sister win?
Blanche: I told you. Jealousy is a terrible thing. That'll teach Charmaine to be Daddy's favorite.

Blanche: Dorothy, shall I get Angela's luggage?
Dorothy: She doesn't have any luggage.
Angela: No, I never travel with luggage. Ever since the time I found a dead man in my suitcase.
Blanche: You found a dead man in your suitcase?
Angela: Right. Picture it. New York City. 1956. I was a young widow returning to Sicily. There I was on the boat alone, watching Lady Liberty grow smaller in the distance. When suddenly I heard a voice from the vicinity of my knees. I looked down. There was a midget. It turns out that his name was Peewee Bonbunzi, and he was fleeing from the Mob. For the next few days, we ate together, laughed together, and went for short walks in circles. And then, one day, suddenly Peewee disappeared. Well, we docked in Sicily and I was going through customs. And I noticed a strange odor coming from my suitcase. I thought it was the veal shank that I was bringing over for Mother's Day. But when the customs man opened the suitcase, there was Peewee. Someone had stuffed him in my suitcase between the veal shank and my beaver coat. Well, the Mob had gotten Peewee after all.
Blanche: Oh, God, you must have been heartbroken.
Angela: I was absolutely devastated. I mean, first I had to burn the suitcase and then the beaver coat. And the veal shank never did taste right.
Dorothy: Oh, Aunt Angela, you made that up.
Angela: Hey, I'm 80. As long as I keep talking, I know my heart is still beating.
Blanche: Angela, may I offer you something to eat?
Angela: As long as it isn't veal. Why it's not because of Peewee. I had some on the plane.

Sophia: If you don't apologize, why don't you leave?
Angela: Why should I apologize?
Sophia: I'll tell you why. Because you're nothing but a backstabbing Judas in sensible shoes.
Angela: Oh, yeah? Well, you know what you are? You're a two-lira tramp with cheap bridgework.
Sophia: May you put your dentures in upside down and chew your head off.
Angela: May your legs grow old and gnarled and withered like an olive branch. You should be so lucky.
Sophia: May your moles grow hair thicker than Jerry Vale's.
Angela: May your marinara sauce never cling to your pasta.
Sophia: [gasps] That's it. Come back here and say that to my face.

Rose: Girls, there is only one way we're going to solve this problem. We have to find out what Sophia and Angela are mad about. And then force them to sit down and settle it. It's like that old Scandinavian saying. "You can let two angry mackerel fight it out in a purse, but don't ever plan on carrying that purse to a formal affair." Well, it loses a little in the...
Dorothy, Blanche & Rose: Translation.
Rose: But the point of it is, it's human nature to want to make up. I mean, people stay angry out of habit.

Blanche: Rose, are you still here? Dorothy's due back with Angela any minute.
Rose: Sophia keeps coming up with excuses not to go shopping.
Sophia: I'm ready, Rose.
Rose: Sophia, what's the matter?
Sophia: I saw the doctor yesterday and he- I can't talk about it. Let's go to the mall.
Blanche: Wait a minute. What is it, Sophia?
Sophia: Alright, you dragged it out of me. He said my heart is a time bomb. But don't be concerned. Except for the fact I've only made love in one position, I've led a very full life.

Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing home?
Sophia: Oh, I left my shopping list in the kitchen.
Rose: There you are, Sophia. She outsmarted me, Dorothy.
Dorothy: You're kidding. I mean, how is that possible?
Rose: It wasn't my fault. We were backing down the driveway and Sophia told me I ran over Mrs. Stofer.
Dorothy: And you believed her?
Rose: Well, I had to check. Last week I did pin her and her walker to the fence on a wide right turn.

Dorothy: Hi, Ma.
Sophia: [sighs] Wait a minute. Aren't you going to ask me why I'm sitting in the dark?
Dorothy: I already know. Your birthday's this weekend and you're depressed about being older.
Sophia: No, I'm not. I'm depressed because you give me such lousy birthday presents.
Dorothy: Ma, you want better presents, adopt Monty Hall.
Sophia: I wish I could. Jewish sons are the best. They give great gifts, always call, and you don't have to worry about them getting hurt playing sports.

Rose: What are you getting Sophia, Dorothy?
Dorothy: I would rather not say.
Blanche: It's a surprise.
Rose: You know what it is?
Blanche: That's right.
Rose: Well how come she gets to know and I don't?
Dorothy: Rose. Rose, Rose, Rose. How can I say this diplomatically?
Blanche: You're a blabbermouth, Rose.
Dorothy: You're a blabbermouth.

Rose: OK, so I made one little slip. So I told Harriet Webster you had your ears pinned back in college.
Blanche: Oh! Dorothy, you had your ears pinned back. What did they use, a big ear stapler?
Rose: OK, so I made a few little slips. But I can keep a secret, Dorothy. I'll prove it to you. You tell me what you got for Sophia and if I spill the beans, I'll give you my most prized possession.
Dorothy: No, Rose, I couldn't do that. I couldn't accept your favorite album, Hans Klabnermeyer Yodels Beethoven.

Rose: Wait a minute. Isn't there something we can do?
Sophia: He says any little shock or surprise and it's kaboom. I guess all we can do is pray. Unless you know of any surprises, Rose?
Blanche: Sophia, now, you stop trying to trick Rose, just because she's weak and vulnerable and dim-witted.
Rose: Yeah.