‘The Sisters’
Season 2, Episode 12 - Aired January 3, 1987
Dorothy plans a big surprise for Sophia's birthday by flying her sister, Angela, over from Sicily.
Quote from Sophia
Sophia: OK, Blanche, I give up. Come on, Rose, let's go shopping. Listen, Rose, I'm sorry you got stuck shopping with me. I realize Dorothy is forcing you.
Rose: No, she isn't.
Sophia: Yes, she is. She always makes you do her dirty work. She always takes terrible advantage of you, Rose.
Rose: We should go.
Sophia: Wait. Listen. When we go to the movies, who always stands in line for the popcorn?
Rose: I do.
Sophia: When we vacuum who always lifts up furniture?
Rose: I do.
Sophia: When we clean the kitchen, who always mops?
Rose: Dorothy.
Sophia: Who cleans the mop?
Rose: I do.
Sophia: She takes advantage, Rose, and it's time you stood up to her. And there's no time like the present. And speaking of presents-
Dorothy: Rose, what are you doing here? I thought I asked you to take Ma shopping.
Rose: You can take your mop and put it where herring don't swim.
Quote from Blanche
Angela: You know, Blanche here could be the identical twin of your cousin Apollonia. Apollonia was a stunningly beautiful woman.
Blanche: Oh, thank you.
Angela: Except for that huge donkey butt.
Quote from Sophia
Sophia: Angela?
Angela: No, Gina Lollobrigida.
Sophia: This is my surprise?
Dorothy: Yes. Happy birthday, Ma.
Sophia: Happy birthday? You call this old bag a present?
Angela: You brought me all the way from Sicily to be insulted?
Sophia: I hate that woman.
Angela: I hate her double.
Quote from Rose
Blanche: Well, did you get 'em talking?
Dorothy: Nope. I just spent a half an hour out in the hall talking to two closed doors.
Rose: Don't feel bad. Sometimes when I'm upset I talk to the little pigs on my shower curtain.
Quote from Dorothy
Dorothy: But don't forget we are dealing with two old women who think that boils on a man are a sign of virility. I mean, logic doesn't exactly apply here.
Quote from Blanche
Rose: I always thought it was the size of a man's feet that were a sign of virility.
Blanche: Really? I always thought it was the number of newspapers piled outside the motel room door.
Quote from Dorothy
Dorothy: Aunt Angela, please. We have to talk.
Angela: What's to talk about? Your mother's a stubborn old goat, who apparently pays a buck and a half to have her hair done.
Dorothy: What is going on between you two?
Angela: I don't want to talk about it.
Dorothy: Now look, I have spent weeks working on this surprise, only to have it blow up in my face. And don't you think I at least deserve to know why.
Angela: OK. OK, you want to know so bad, I'll tell you right now. Picture it. New York City. Christmas 1955. It's Francesca Ragouso's annual Christmas bash. Everybody is there, eating, drinking, guzzling the Pepto-Bismol. Well, I mean, Francesca's a beautiful woman, but she makes a manicotti like you could anchor a boat with. Ah, well, as usual Sophia's stationed at the eggnog and she's drinking right from the bowl through a swizzle stick. My husband Carmine walks in and passes right under the mistletoe. Well, she makes a beeline to him and gives him such a kiss she can practically suck the beard off his face.
Dorothy: I don't remember Uncle Carmine having a beard.
Angela: He was in a Santa suit and he had one of those hook-on beards. Well, I mean, I can't believe what I'm looking at. So I go to her and I yank her into the pantry and I say, "What do you think you're doing?" She says she thought Cunio the bookmaker was in the Santa suit. And I say, "That's a lie." Well, we have a big fight about it. She denies the whole thing and we never speak again.
Quote from Dorothy
Dorothy: Oh, come on. Aunt Angela, that was 30 years ago. Don't you think you should talk to each other?
Angela: I'm not going to say one word to her unless she apologizes. That's the only reason I came over here.
Dorothy: Aunt Angela, please. We're talking about family here. Won't you try to work it out? Do it for your favorite niece.
Angela: What's your cousin Graziella got to do with this?
Dorothy: Please, just do it. Please. Please. Pretty please.
Angela: Oh, all right. All right. Don't beg. You sound just like your Uncle Carmine after he'd been away on a goat drive.
Quote from Sophia
Blanche: So you're not going to tell us what happened?
Sophia: Nope.
Rose: Well, Sophia, that's your choice, but I think you're making a mistake. You see, the same thing happened in my family once. My cousin Astrid-
Sophia: All right, all right. I'll tell you what happened. Picture it. New York City. Christmas, 1955. Francesca Ragouso's annual Christmas bash. Everyone was there including the neighborhood heartthrob Salvadore de Milo. All the women adore Salvadore. Mainly because he's the only guy in the room with a neck. Anyway, I'm feeling a little queasy. Francesca makes a great party, but she bakes a manicotti you could anchor a boat with. So I go upstairs for a seltzer when suddenly Salvadore grabs me from behind and begins passionately kissing me. Being a respectable married woman, I cop a few good feels, push him away and run back to the party. But I have to tell someone what happened. So I tell the only person in the world I trust, my sister Angela. Five minutes later, everybody at the party is talking about it. So I drag Angela into the pantry and ask her how she could betray her own sister. We have a big fight, she denies everything and we never speak again.
Blanche: But, Sophia, honey, that was 30 years ago. Isn't it time to forgive and forget?
Sophia: Forget I do plenty. I never forgive.
Quote from Sophia
Dorothy: Ma. Angela has something she'd like to say.
Blanche: So does Sophia.
Sophia: Hello.
Angela: Yeah, hello.
Sophia: Your hair got white.
Angela: So did yours.
Sophia: You still got that cat?
Angela: The same cat I had 30 years ago?
Sophia: Fine. You ask the questions.