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‘Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas

211. Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas

Aired December 20, 1986

The girls' plans to return home for the holidays are ruined when a man wanting to celebrate Christmas with other people takes them hostage at Rose's counseling center.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, I can't help it. There's something about a man in a Santa Claus suit that drives me absolutely crazy. Maybe it's the warmth of all that red, hot, sweaty flannel. Set against the austere coldness of those black patent leather jackboots. Or maybe it's because those rosy cheeks and twinkling eyes bespeak a passion that is about to erupt from a man who just spent a cold, Ionely year cooped up with a pack of dwarves. I'm not sure. All I know is the sight of a Santa sets my body aflame with unbridled desire.

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Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Rose? Dorothy? Sophia? The coast is clear. Come on in, Ed. [a man dressed in a Santa outfit enters] My roommates are still out shopping, so we have the place to ourselves. Now it's time to find out who's naughty or nice.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Girls, I wanna give you all my gifts next, okay. I just thought this was such a cute idea, I made the same one for each of you. Here. Sophia.
Rose: "The Men Of Blanche's Boudoir."
Blanche: It's a calendar. Each month has the picture of a man who's brought some special joy into my life.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche. Oh, honey. This is so thoughtful. Whoa!
Blanche: September?
Dorothy: Yep.
Sophia: I'm surprised you were able to walk in October.

Quote from Rose

Rose: [singing] The first Noel The angels did say... [Dorothy and Blanche get ready to join in] Did I ever tell you about one Christmas we tried to launch a production of A Christmas Carol with an all-chicken cast?
Dorothy: God, look at the time.
Blanche: Is it that late? I'm so tired.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Uh, Rose are you going to be very much longer?
Rose: Not now, Dorothy. This man is very down about his financial situation. He was one of the principal backers of Howard The Duck.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: We're gonna miss our plane. What can we do?
Blanche: Listen, girls, I have an idea. Now, I'm going to create a diversion by bending over and picking up something seductively, then the two of you sneak up behind him and give him a karate chop.
Dorothy: Blanche, what do we look like? Charlie's Angels?
Blanche: I have been told I bear a striking resemblance to Miss Cheryl Ladd. Although my bosoms are perkier.
Dorothy: Not even if you were hanging upside down on a trapeze.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Did I ever tell you girls I met my husband George on Christmas Eve?
Rose: Oh, Blanche, how exciting. Let me tell you just how exciting a Christmas Eve can be. I was home from college on Christmas vacation when my best friend, Lisa Jane Villa, fixed me up with the most beautiful boy I'd ever laid my eyes on.
Dorothy: George.
Blanche: No, this was Richard J. Wild. And believe me, his name said it all. We must have pulled over on the side of the road five times on our way to that Christmas dance.
Rose: It's always best to drive defensively over the holidays.
Blanche: Anyway, when we finally got to the dance, why Richard dropped me off, and I turned and ran smack into a man so gorgeous, he made Richard J. Wild look like a prepubescent choirboy.
Rose: George.
Blanche: No, no, no, Ernie Willis. Well, Ernie smiled, and the next thing I knew, we were dancing in a local bar. When all of a sudden I heard a deep voice say, "May I cut in?" Well, when I turned I saw the man I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
Albert: George.
Blanche: No, no, Thomas Penville. Uh-huh. Well, Thomas and I left the bar...
Dorothy: Blanche, I could get herpes listening to this story! At what point in the evening did you finally meet George?
Blanche: Well, I didn't meet George that Christmas Eve. That was the next Christmas Eve, but that was a boring story. I said I was going to tell you an exciting story.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Didn't you have the best time Christmas shopping today, Dorothy?
Dorothy: I loved it. Being pushed and shoved all day so I could buy gifts I can't afford. It's a regular Yuletide treat.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: You've been so grouchy all day.
Dorothy: Oh, I'm sorry, Rose. I guess I'm just sad because Christmas doesn't have a meaning anymore. It's gotten so commercial.
Rose: How can you say that?
Dorothy: Oh, please Rose. The three wise men in the nativity scene at Burdines' were wearing Ralph Lauren ski parkas.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Catch me, catch me, catch me.
Dorothy: Let me take a wild guess. You didn't expect us home this early.
Blanche: Dorothy, Rose, I'd like you to meet...
Rose: We know who he is, Blanche. Santa, how could you?
Blanche: Rose, this is Ed Kletner. He's working part-time at the mall. He's on his break.
Rose: A Santa is never off duty, mister. As long as you're in that uniform, the only thing that better be on your mind is giving people what they want for Christmas.
Dorothy: He was trying to, Rose. I saw Blanche's list.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Sophia, did you finish your shopping today?
Sophia: Yeah, just about. It's unbelievable how much things cost nowadays. I just spent $89 for a doll for my granddaughter.
Dorothy: Ma, you had $89?
Sophia: Don't be ridiculous. I charged all my gifts with a credit card I got out of your purse.
Dorothy: You're taking them back.
Sophia: Even the beautiful cashmere sweater I got for Blanche?
Blanche: Cashmere? I love cashmere.
Sophia: Don't tell me. Tell Scrooge.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Ma, how did you think I was going to pay for all this?
Sophia: On time. Loosen up the mousetrap a little. It's Christmas.
Dorothy: You see what this holiday has become? You see? Everybody thinks that the best way to show someone you care is by going into debt. I mean, where is the love? Where's the sharing? Where is the true spirit of Christmas?
Sophia: Neiman Marcus, ladies' apparel, third floor.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Girls, I have a terrific idea. Before we go home to spend to Christmas with our families, why don't we have a little celebration right here? St. Olaf style.
Dorothy: I will not drink eggnog while wearing a cast-iron brassiere.
Rose: We don't do that at Christmas. We do that at Easter. At Christmas, we exchange gifts we make for each other.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: What do you say, Ma?
Sophia: Unless you make a lamb's-wool jacket with a fake fur collar, my heart is staying with Neiman Marcus ladies' apparel, third floor.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: This one's from me, Dorothy. They're very popular back home. It took me a week to whittle it.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose.
Rose: Do you like it?
Dorothy: Like it? Oh, honey, I love it. Who wouldn't love a wooden brooch in the shape of a turkey's head?
Rose: Oh, no. No, that's a maple syrup spigot.
Sophia: You know what she took back? A set of pearl earrings.
Dorothy: The ones I fell in love with at Jordan Marsh?
Sophia: Yep. Ho, ho, ho.
Dorothy: Ma. Who cares? Rose, I love it. No, this'll come in a lot handier than those pearl earrings, the next I'm lost in the woods with a stack of pancakes.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Just think, girls, tomorrow's Christmas Eve, and we'll be back home with our families. Ah, there's nothing like Christmas in Minnesota.
Dorothy: Unless it's Christmas in New York. A light snow falling over Fifth Avenue, ice skaters at Rockefeller Center, Santas on every street corner.
Blanche: Really?!

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: [to Santa] Oh, hello there, tall, dark and jolly.
Dorothy: Blanche, maybe you should stay and talk to a counselor, too.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: I've been sitting in the backseat of the car for half an hour. What am I, a dachshund?
Dorothy: Ma, be careful. He has a gun.
Sophia: [grabs gun] This is a toy.
Blanche: He has been holding us hostage all this time with a toy gun?
Dorothy: I can't believe it.
Sophia: Neither can I. Dorothy, you call yourself an Italian? You can't tell the difference between a toy and a real piece? [hands the gun back to Santa]

Quote from Sophia

Airport Mendicant: Excuse me. Would you like to buy a flower?
Sophia: Beat it, chrome dome! And while you're at it, get a job, get a suit, get on your knees and beg your mother's forgiveness.

Quote from Rose

Albert: Good evening, ladies. Welcome to Albert's Diner. I'm Albert and Merry Christmas.
Blanche: Thank you. I'd just like a cup of coffee, please.
Albert: Coffee. Sure. Coffee all around?
Rose: Actually, I'd like a mug of hot apple cider with a cinnamon stick.
Albert: Lady, does this look like Knott's Berry Farm?
Rose: Coffee'll be fine.
Albert: Coffee.

Quote from Dorothy

Albert: Ladies, look, I hate to see people just drink coffee. It's Christmas. Look, please have some cheesecake on me, alright?
Dorothy: Well that's very sweet of you.
Albert: My pleasure.
Blanche: Now I know I'm depressed. I don't even want this cheesecake.
Albert: Are you ladies having a bad Christmas?
Sophia: The worst.
Albert: I'm a little down myself. I mean, it's tough working on Christmas Eve. I wish I had more time to spend with my family.
Rose: We know exactly how you feel. We can't be with our families either.
Albert: You all are not related?
Dorothy: No.
Albert: Really? The way you were teasing and talking to each other, I thought you were family for sure. Isn't that something?

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Well, isn't it funny how sometimes it takes a total stranger to point out something that's been right there in front of your face?
Rose: We were feeling so sorry for ourselves, we forgot we are celebrating Christmas with family.
Dorothy: Merry Christmas, Rose. Merry Christmas, Blanche.
Rose: Merry Christmas, Dorothy. Merry Christmas, Blanche.
Blanche: Merry Christmas, Rose.
Sophia: What the hell is this, the Waltons?

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Merry Christmas. Girls, you know what this cheesecake is missing?
Dorothy: Chocolate syrup.
Rose: I wonder if he has any.
Sophia: I'll go look in the back. Oh, my God. I don't believe it.
Dorothy: What?
Sophia: Take a look.
Rose: That's snow.
Sophia: Yeah, it's kinda light and whippy, but it is snow.
Blanche: A white Christmas in Miami? Can you beat that?
Rose: Oh, this calls for some Christmas music. [a Beach Boys song starts playing] I pushed the wrong button.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, don't worry about it. Somehow, this Christmas it fits.


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