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Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas

‘Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas’

Season 2, Episode 11 -  Aired December 20, 1986

The girls' plans to return home for the holidays are ruined when a man wanting to celebrate Christmas with other people takes them hostage at Rose's counseling center.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, I can't help it. There's something about a man in a Santa Claus suit that drives me absolutely crazy. Maybe it's the warmth of all that red, hot, sweaty flannel. Set against the austere coldness of those black patent leather jackboots. Or maybe it's because those rosy cheeks and twinkling eyes bespeak a passion that is about to erupt from a man who just spent a cold, Ionely year cooped up with a pack of dwarves. I'm not sure. All I know is the sight of a Santa sets my body aflame with unbridled desire.

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Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Rose? Dorothy? Sophia? The coast is clear. Come on in, Ed. [a man dressed in a Santa outfit enters] My roommates are still out shopping, so we have the place to ourselves. Now it's time to find out who's naughty or nice.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Girls, I wanna give you all my gifts next, okay. I just thought this was such a cute idea, I made the same one for each of you. Here. Sophia.
Rose: "The Men Of Blanche's Boudoir."
Blanche: It's a calendar. Each month has the picture of a man who's brought some special joy into my life.
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche. Oh, honey. This is so thoughtful. Whoa!
Blanche: September?
Dorothy: Yep.
Sophia: I'm surprised you were able to walk in October.

Quote from Rose

Rose: [singing] The first Noel The angels did say... [Dorothy and Blanche get ready to join in] Did I ever tell you about one Christmas we tried to launch a production of A Christmas Carol with an all-chicken cast?
Dorothy: God, look at the time.
Blanche: Is it that late? I'm so tired.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: We're gonna miss our plane. What can we do?
Blanche: Listen, girls, I have an idea. Now, I'm going to create a diversion by bending over and picking up something seductively, then the two of you sneak up behind him and give him a karate chop.
Dorothy: Blanche, what do we look like? Charlie's Angels?
Blanche: I have been told I bear a striking resemblance to Miss Cheryl Ladd. Although my bosoms are perkier.
Dorothy: Not even if you were hanging upside down on a trapeze.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Did I ever tell you girls I met my husband George on Christmas Eve?
Rose: Oh, Blanche, how exciting. Let me tell you just how exciting a Christmas Eve can be. I was home from college on Christmas vacation when my best friend, Lisa Jane Villa, fixed me up with the most beautiful boy I'd ever laid my eyes on.
Dorothy: George.
Blanche: No, this was Richard J. Wild. And believe me, his name said it all. We must have pulled over on the side of the road five times on our way to that Christmas dance.
Rose: It's always best to drive defensively over the holidays.
Blanche: Anyway, when we finally got to the dance, why Richard dropped me off, and I turned and ran smack into a man so gorgeous, he made Richard J. Wild look like a prepubescent choirboy.
Rose: George.
Blanche: No, no, no, Ernie Willis. Well, Ernie smiled, and the next thing I knew, we were dancing in a local bar. When all of a sudden I heard a deep voice say, "May I cut in?" Well, when I turned I saw the man I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
Albert: George.
Blanche: No, no, Thomas Penville. Uh-huh. Well, Thomas and I left the bar...
Dorothy: Blanche, I could get herpes listening to this story! At what point in the evening did you finally meet George?
Blanche: Well, I didn't meet George that Christmas Eve. That was the next Christmas Eve, but that was a boring story. I said I was going to tell you an exciting story.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Uh, Rose are you going to be very much longer?
Rose: Not now, Dorothy. This man is very down about his financial situation. He was one of the principal backers of Howard The Duck.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: I've been sitting in the backseat of the car for half an hour. What am I, a dachshund?
Dorothy: Ma, be careful. He has a gun.
Sophia: [grabs gun] This is a toy.
Blanche: He has been holding us hostage all this time with a toy gun?
Dorothy: I can't believe it.
Sophia: Neither can I. Dorothy, you call yourself an Italian? You can't tell the difference between a toy and a real piece? [hands the gun back to Santa]

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Well, isn't it funny how sometimes it takes a total stranger to point out something that's been right there in front of your face?
Rose: We were feeling so sorry for ourselves, we forgot we are celebrating Christmas with family.
Dorothy: Merry Christmas, Rose. Merry Christmas, Blanche.
Rose: Merry Christmas, Dorothy. Merry Christmas, Blanche.
Blanche: Merry Christmas, Rose.
Sophia: What the hell is this, the Waltons?

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Didn't you have the best time Christmas shopping today, Dorothy?
Dorothy: I loved it. Being pushed and shoved all day so I could buy gifts I can't afford. It's a regular Yuletide treat.

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