Rose: Oh, I remember back in St. Olaf, during a tornado, my mother left the storm cellar to find Toto. Her constant companion and favorite cow.
Dorothy: Why are we nice to her?
Rose: The point is, when mother went out in the storm, she got quite a bump on her head. For the rest of her days, she kept trying to get that cow in the little basket on the front of her bicycle.

Stan: Well, Dorothy, I'm sorry this couldn't work out. Thank you for 38 years of love and friendship and memories. I'll cherish them always.
Dorothy: Stan, ciao.

Dorothy: Anyway, Dr. Halperin is really working wonders with Stan. You know, he's gotten him to transfer his love for me to a fake monkey.
Blanche: What are you talkin' about?
Dorothy: Well, it really is very simple. You see, studies show that when baby monkeys are taken away from their mothers, they can transfer their love to fake mothers. And the same thing is happening with Stan. I mean, he's weaning himself from his relationship with me by using a fake monkey for companionship.
Blanche: Why not use a fake woman?
Dorothy: Oh, well, honey, that's why Stan went to the psychiatrist in the first place.

Blanche: Well, let me tell you something, mister. It doesn't matter how many of our acts have shown up. It doesn't matter how many hours of air time we have to fill. There is only one thing that matters here. The indomitable devotion that Rose and I have in our hearts for that windmill. It's a devotion for that windmill. It's a love for that windmill. And as God as our witness, we are going to save that windmill.
Rose: It's a lighthouse, Blanche. We're saving the McKinley Lighthouse.
Blanche: That eyesore?
Rose: That's the one.

Dorothy: All right, leaving your husbands out of this, haven't you ever been glad when one of your relationships ended? Rose, how about that guy you dated last summer? Don't you remember? The one who played Goofy at Disney World.
Rose: I remember the passion, yes.
Dorothy: Do you remember why it didn't work out?
Rose: It just didn't.
Dorothy: Right. But why not?
Rose: I don't want to talk about it.
Blanche: Oh, Rose, honey, there's nothin' to be ashamed of.
Rose: He took off the Goofy head.
Dorothy: "He took off the Goofy head." See, that's not so bad.

Dorothy: So, uh, Gloria, I understand you're, uh...
Gloria: Happier than I've ever been. Can you believe it? It's like I get to completely start over.
Dorothy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. You're starting over because you've lost all of your...
Gloria: Constraint. My ties. I feel like now I can begin to live again. I can do anything. I can even do what you- What is it you do again, Dorothy?
Dorothy: I'm a substitute teacher.
Gloria: Oh, no, I'd be a real teacher.
Dorothy: I am a real teacher.
Gloria: Oh, look, Ma. Her ears are starting to get all red. [singsong] Someone's getting mad.
Dorothy: My ears are not getting red. You know, you do this every time. You just come in here and start pushing my buttons. Well, it's not gonna work. Now go ahead, hide your pain. I can wait.

Dr. Halperin: Well, Dorothy, it sounds like you're a little hostile toward the monkey. You want to talk about it?
Dorothy: What's to talk about? I had to ride in the back seat all the way over. Stan said the monkey called shotgun.

Dorothy: Gloria, you okay?
Gloria: I just had a bad day. I guess I'm a little scared. I don't know, maybe I was too confident when I got here, trying to convince myself I was happy. I guess I'm really lonely.
Dorothy: Oh, Gloria, I understand.
Gloria: Oh, I know you understand, Dorothy. That's why I came to you. I'm miserable, with no prospects. Oh, Dorothy, how do you do it? Day after day. Year after year. I feel lost.
Dorothy: Well, honey, look, you're in a new city, you're poor, you're a single woman. You have no money.
Gloria: I know, but-
Dorothy: I mean, you're poor. Now, you think about that. Every last cent is gone. No mas dinero.

Dorothy: All right, I'll tell you what, Gloria, right now you're lonely, you're disoriented. Maybe you need a little distraction. Why don't I introduce you to some men?
Sophia: [laughing] No, no, I'm sorry. Good idea. You, Dorothy, can intro... Can introduce Gloria to...
Dorothy: To Men.
Sophia: Oh, gosh, that feels good!
Gloria: Listen, um, I'm sorry for crying.
Sophia: Me, too.

Gloria: Dorothy, it just happened. I know you think it's wrong, but it's not a crime, you know.
Dorothy: Yes, it is. Officers?
Stan: You brought the cops?
Dorothy: That's right. I came prepared. Officers, shoot these people.