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‘The Monkey Show’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: The Monkey Show

708. The Monkey Show

Aired November 9, 1991

Dorothy can't hide her excitement when her successful sister, Gloria, visits after losing her money. Meanwhile, Sophia prepares for a storm, and Blanche joins Rose in hosting a telethon to raise money to save a local landmark.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Oh, you're back from your session early. Was it as cathartic as you thought?
Dorothy: Well, I don't know if "cathartic" is the word.
Rose: You should do what I do. I find if I repeat a word that's confused me, I look smarter than I really am. Like, "Was it cathartic?" "Oh, I've had a catharticism." "Of course, I'm not the type to kiss and cathartirize."

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Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing? Filling sandbags, Dorothy.
Sophia: There's a hurricane a-coming.
Dorothy: "A-coming"?
Sophia: That's right. People only use the "A" when a really big storm is a-coming or a-brewing. So grab a sack and start a-shoveling.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, the weather report said nothing about a hurricane.
Sophia: Ida Pearlberg down at the senior center woke up this morning with a leg cramp. Need I say more?
Dorothy: Yes.
Sophia: Dorothy, when you get around my age, two things happen. One, you get more intuitive about the weather. And two, corn becomes your enemy.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Look, I'm sorry if I seemed insensitive, but in every relationship there are always times when you don't wanna be with each other. I mean, Stan and I went through a period where we had no marital relations at all. I totally cut off his sex.
Rose: You mean it grows back?
Dorothy: Yes, Rose. He's a lizard. I mean, we stopped having sex.

Quote from Rose

Stage Manager: Well, that's all for now. But, uh, ma'am, we really do need some female acts. Uh, you might want to tell your friend not to be so capricious with her judgments.
Rose: Ah, yes, indeed. For, as we all know, it's the capricious person whose capriciosity is never truly caprified.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Hello, this is Rose Nylund and this is Blanche Devereaux.
Blanche: Hi, boys.
Rose: And we're going to be with you for the next eight hours on the Save the McKinley Lighthouse Telethon.
So, please call the number that's flashing on your screen to make your pledges. [555-G-I-V-E]
Blanche: And, uh, for that handsome guy in the red corvette that I cut off on Highway 12 yesterday, you can call my personal number which is flashin' on your screen now. [555-E-A-S-Y]

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: What did I do?
Dorothy: You fixed my ex-husband up with my sister! You don't see anything wrong with that?
Sophia: That's perfectly normal. Do you know, in some primitive societies, it's considered good manners to give your ex-husband to your sister?
Dorothy: In some primitive societies they leave their elderly out in a field for large birds to feed on.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Ma, even if there is a hurricane a-coming...
Sophia: Don't patronize me.
Dorothy: I'm not patronizing you. I'm a-mocking you.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Okay. I'm glad we have this quiet time before the storm hits, because there's something I'd like to tell you.
Dorothy: What, Ma?
Sophia: I always thought of us as the Gabors.
Dorothy: Well, I'm glad we had this little chat.
Sophia: No, hear me out. I'm Jolie, the mother. Your sister Gloria, she's Zsa Zsa. And Eva... Well, Eva was, of course, your brother, Phil.
Dorothy: I'm not a Gabor?
Sophia: You're telling me.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Well, this is it. My last session with Stan and the psychiatrist. How do I look?
Blanche: Oh, fine. Why?
Dorothy: It's so hard to dress for a psychiatrist. You wear black, they think you're depressed. You wear red, they think you're angry.
Blanche: You wear a negligee, they think you want to sleep with them.
Dorothy: Why aren't you arrested more?

Quote from Blanche

Rose: The only thing is, there are so many things to get organized. I'm gonna have to get somebody to help me do this.
Blanche: Well, you could sign me up. I would love to help.
Rose: You? Oh, you'd turn the telethon into a disgusting manhunt.
Blanche: A disgusting manhunt. What a great idea! Oh, see, we'll all get dressed in little safari outfits, and we'll have the men in cages. Then we'll let them out and they'll all run around in loincloths. And every man who gets caught will donate $50, and then we'll get to take them home with us. Well, fine. Save your own damn lighthouse.

Quote from Dorothy

Gloria: Hello, Stan.
Stan: Gloria. What are you doing here? You usually don't like to slum it with this part of the family.
Dorothy: Stan, please. She's out of M-O-N-E-Y.
Stan: Yeah, well, she's not getting mine.
Dorothy: She's not out of monkey, Stan. She's out of money.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Oh, and I feel great. As a matter of fact, a toast. To finality and closure. To husbands being out of our lives, and gone forever!
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy!
Dorothy: No, wait, wait. This This is good. I mean, don't cry. Why are you crying?
Rose: Our husbands are dead, you monster.
Dorothy: I'm sorry. I mean, I didn't mean it that way. Oh, come on now, let's celebrate.
Blanche: Celebrate? You don't know what it's like to have a husband die and leave you with nothin'. Just a closet full of suits that you spend the rest of your lonely life tryin' to get rid of. What are you, anyway, a 42 regular?

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: All right, leaving your husbands out of this, haven't you ever been glad when one of your relationships ended? Rose, how about that guy you dated last summer? Don't you remember? The one who played Goofy at Disney World.
Rose: I remember the passion, yes.
Dorothy: Do you remember why it didn't work out?
Rose: It just didn't.
Dorothy: Right. But why not?
Rose: I don't want to talk about it.
Blanche: Oh, Rose, honey, there's nothin' to be ashamed of.
Rose: He took off the Goofy head.
Dorothy: "He took off the Goofy head." See, that's not so bad.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Hurricane supplies, coming through.
Rose: What makes you so certain about the storm, Sophia?
Sophia: Because I'm old. I know. I've seen everything twice. Except Bonfire of the Vanities. Woof!

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Okay, now, where was I? Oh, yes, where Hans first spots the hair. [playing piano] Oom pah, pah Oom pah, pah Rose?
Blanche: Rose, I just got a pledge for $50, if you will stop singin'.
Sophia: [on the phone] That's right. $50 if she stops singing and I'll throw in another 50 if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Mama, may I see you in the kitchen?
Sophia: You look mighty pretty today, pussycat.
Dorothy: This isn't going to work, you little stick person.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: What about our telethon?
Stage Manager: The telethon is over. The station manager just told me they're turning the airwaves over to the National Weather Service. This studio has been designated an official hurricane shelter.
Blanche: Oh, well, fine. But, uh, before I go, I would like to make one final plea. Now, I know there is goodness in your heart and I know you want to give. Well, I am ready to take anything you have to offer. Share with me.
Stage Manager: Ma'am, we've been off the air for two minutes.
Blanche: I know it. I'm talking to Chester on camera two. Share with me, Chester.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: I'm having problems with Dorothy and Gloria. I'm a terrible mother.
Angelo: You're a wonderful mother.
Sophia: No, I really upset my Dorothy. She's at a very difficult age. Just out of menopause, but the sex drive isn't totally dead yet.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Blanche, what are you doing with all that candy?
Blanche: Well, whenever there is a natural disaster, you know, some unscrupulous opportunist always hoards all the food. Well, this time I decided it might as well be me.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Oh, I remember back in St. Olaf, during a tornado, my mother left the storm cellar to find Toto. Her constant companion and favorite cow.
Dorothy: Why are we nice to her?
Rose: The point is, when mother went out in the storm, she got quite a bump on her head. For the rest of her days, she kept trying to get that cow in the little basket on the front of her bicycle.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, let me tell you something, mister. It doesn't matter how many of our acts have shown up. It doesn't matter how many hours of air time we have to fill. There is only one thing that matters here. The indomitable devotion that Rose and I have in our hearts for that windmill. It's a devotion for that windmill. It's a love for that windmill. And as God as our witness, we are going to save that windmill.
Rose: It's a lighthouse, Blanche. We're saving the McKinley Lighthouse.
Blanche: That eyesore?
Rose: That's the one.


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