Dorothy: Ma, even if there is a hurricane a-coming...
Sophia: Don't patronize me.
Dorothy: I'm not patronizing you. I'm a-mocking you.

Dorothy: Well, this is it. My last session with Stan and the psychiatrist. How do I look?
Blanche: Oh, fine. Why?
Dorothy: It's so hard to dress for a psychiatrist. You wear black, they think you're depressed. You wear red, they think you're angry.
Blanche: You wear a negligee, they think you want to sleep with them.
Dorothy: Why aren't you arrested more?

Rose: The only thing is, there are so many things to get organized. I'm gonna have to get somebody to help me do this.
Blanche: Well, you could sign me up. I would love to help.
Rose: You? Oh, you'd turn the telethon into a disgusting manhunt.
Blanche: A disgusting manhunt. What a great idea! Oh, see, we'll all get dressed in little safari outfits, and we'll have the men in cages. Then we'll let them out and they'll all run around in loincloths. And every man who gets caught will donate $50, and then we'll get to take them home with us. Well, fine. Save your own damn lighthouse.

Sophia: Hurricane supplies, coming through.
Rose: What makes you so certain about the storm, Sophia?
Sophia: Because I'm old. I know. I've seen everything twice. Except Bonfire of the Vanities. Woof!

Rose: Okay, now, where was I? Oh, yes, where Hans first spots the hair. [playing piano] Oom pah, pah Oom pah, pah Rose?
Blanche: Rose, I just got a pledge for $50, if you will stop singin'.
Sophia: [on the phone] That's right. $50 if she stops singing and I'll throw in another 50 if you slam the piano lid on her fingers.

Blanche: What about our telethon?
Stage Manager: The telethon is over. The station manager just told me they're turning the airwaves over to the National Weather Service. This studio has been designated an official hurricane shelter.
Blanche: Oh, well, fine. But, uh, before I go, I would like to make one final plea. Now, I know there is goodness in your heart and I know you want to give. Well, I am ready to take anything you have to offer. Share with me.
Stage Manager: Ma'am, we've been off the air for two minutes.
Blanche: I know it. I'm talking to Chester on camera two. Share with me, Chester.

Sophia: I'm having problems with Dorothy and Gloria. I'm a terrible mother.
Angelo: You're a wonderful mother.
Sophia: No, I really upset my Dorothy. She's at a very difficult age. Just out of menopause, but the sex drive isn't totally dead yet.

Rose: Blanche, what are you doing with all that candy?
Blanche: Well, whenever there is a natural disaster, you know, some unscrupulous opportunist always hoards all the food. Well, this time I decided it might as well be me.

Dorothy: Mama, may I see you in the kitchen?
Sophia: You look mighty pretty today, pussycat.
Dorothy: This isn't going to work, you little stick person.

Stan: Out of money, is she? Well, how ironic. You're broke, and I have all the money I want. Not to mention my self-respect and my monkey.
Rose: And a good-looking monkey it is.
Sophia: Is it me, or is that a traffic cone?
Stan: Jealous?