Dorothy: I am home, dear, dear friends. What a glorious night!
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, I just hate you. There you go again, rubbing it in, how I'm having a sex drought and you're having a bumper crop.
Dorothy: And I'm expecting more rain.

Rose: What are you looking for, Blanche?
Blanche: Batteries. You know, I bought one of those subliminal self-esteem tapes, but my batteries are dead.
Rose: Oh, you don't need those trendy tapes, Blanche. You know what I do when I need a shot of self-esteem?
Blanche: Yeah, you put on that dopey "It's okay to be me" sweatshirt, go lock yourself in the bathroom, and then, like a moron, kiss yourself silly in the mirror.
Rose: And I guess I'll be back in there again tonight.

Dorothy: I'm stunned. I'm- I'm completely stunned.
Rose: Dorothy, what's wrong? How was Don's debut?
Dorothy: A disaster. What can you say about a show by an ex-fake-Beatle that began with I've Got to Be Me and ended with Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting? What the hell was that man doing up there?
Rose: Was it as bad as that?
Dorothy: Had it been a fight, they would've stopped it.
Rose: Did he do any of his own material?
Dorothy: Oh, he did his own material, all right. A Tribute to Dorothy. "Dot, Dot, what a girl I got." The last words I heard as I sprinted to my car were, "When we shower together, we don't have to turn on hot."

Rose: Oh, you must have had a great time at Beatlemania last night.
Dorothy: Fabulous. It was just like seeing the Beatles.
Rose: And the fans?
Dorothy: Oh! They went crazy. They were screaming and jumping up and down just like it was the '60s. I mean, everyone except me. I mean, I had a fabulous time, but I managed to retain my dignity.
Don: Morning, blokes.
Dorothy: He followed me home, Ma. Can I keep him? Can I, huh?

Dorothy: I guess I just feel a little silly right now. Could I have transferred my love for the Beatles to this one man who plays a Beatle? Could I have been so shallow as to have fallen in love with a persona, and--and not the person? Oh, Ma, I need support now. Please, honey, no jokes, no I-told-you-so's.
Sophia: Of course not, Dot. "Dot, I've got to trot." Hey, listen to me. I'm a Beatle.

Dorothy: [singing] She loves you Yeah, yeah, yeah She loves you Yeah, yeah, yeah
Sophia: "Yeah, yeah, yeah," you call that music? "Hidy hidy ho," now that's music.

Sophia: Dorothy? What the hell are you doing with this loser?
Dorothy: Ma, he is not a loser. He's a wonderful and gifted musician. I know this sounds odd, but when he was on stage, our eyes met and it was... Well, it was It was kismet. Suddenly, we were spiritually-connected soul mates.
Don: And then you threw your underwear at me, didn't you, love?
Dorothy: So sue me. I just got caught up in the moment. And then, afterwards, we went for coffee, and then, one thing led to another, and we wound up here. Well, is that so bad?

Jerry: So what do you say, Blanche? Go out with me again.
Blanche: I don't know. I do hate breaking in widowers.
Jerry: Actually, I feel more like a schoolboy.
Blanche: I guess I could go out with a schoolboy.