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‘The Commitments’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: The Commitments

715. The Commitments

Aired January 25, 1992

Dorothy experiences a second wave of Beatlemania when she gets the chance to see a tribute act. Meanwhile, Blanche fears she's lost her attractiveness when her new boyfriend won't make a move.

Quote from Sophia

Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry. Is Dorothy Zbornak here?
Blanche: Uh. Uh...
Sophia: I'm Dorothy Zbornak.
Rose: Sophia, you stop that. You are not Dorothy Zbornak. I'm Dorothy Zbornak.
Sophia: All right, all right, but I am a Petrillo, and I've been known to make princes and kings leave their wives and palaces and dance the bossa nova.
Jerry: Excuse me, what does that mean?
Sophia: I think it means today is placebo-pill day. I'm going to bed.

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Quote from Blanche

Jerry: This is all very confusing. Now, I'm supposed to meet a Dorothy Zbornak at this address at 7:30 for a dinner date. So which one of you really is Dorothy Zbornak?
Blanche: I am Dorothy's best friend, Blanche. I'm filling in for her because she's dead.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Girls, I have great news. I finally convinced Don to quit Beatlemania. Isn't that wonderful?
Sophia: Dorothy, you're 60 years old and breaking up fake rock-and-roll bands. I want you to think about that.
Dorothy: Ma, will you stop it? Thanks to me, Don can now perform his own songs. Do you know what that makes me?
Sophia: Yoko Zbornak?

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Girls, I have a question, a vital question. I want you to think long and hard before answering. Am I ugly?
Sophia: Yes.
Blanche: I mean, I've always thought of myself as ravishing, but is something changing? Is there- Is there, all of a sudden, something disgusting and unattractive about me?
Sophia: Yes.
Blanche: Now, you cut it out, you old worm woman.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Oh, Sophia, do you know where any batteries are?
Sophia: Oh, you make me sick.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Blanche, think about it. Would it really be so bad if you and Jerry just had a platonic relationship?
Blanche: Rose, I already have friends I don't have sex with. You guys.

Quote from Blanche

Jerry: No, please let me explain the way I acted last night. My wife died two years ago. I really haven't dated since then. I wanted to get back into the swing of things, so I read up on what modern women want. You know, equality, pay their own way. I guess it's all got me confused.
Blanche: Oh, Jerry. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Come over here. Now, let me clear up any confusion you might have. I don't want to be treated as your equal.
Jerry: You don't?
Blanche: I want to be treated a lot better than you. I mean, really. Like a goddess who likes to go bar hopping.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Dorothy, I won't laugh.
Dorothy: Okay, I'll tell you, honey. I have a blind date tonight, and I want you to go out with him. [Rose and Sophia laugh]
Rose: You're right, Dorothy. This is one hearty laugh at your expense.
Dorothy: At least Blanche kept her word. She didn't laugh.
Blanche: And you know why? I was singing a little song in my mind. Camptown Races. I didn't hear a word you said.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I really do wanna help you, if I can.
Rose: Yeah, we're not monsters. We promise not to laugh.
Sophia: [repressing laughter] Right.
Dorothy: Well, all right, I want you to go out with my blind date tonight because I have other plans. Thank you.
Rose, Sophia & Blanche: [singing Camptown Races]

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Look, Blanche, are you gonna do this or not? Because my date is on his way over, and I just won a ticket on the radio to a dinner theater Beatlemania. Shut up, Ma.
Rose: Beatlemania? You're giving up a date for Beatlemania?
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, the Beatles were the first and only rock-and-roll group that I ever really loved. When they came to Shea Stadium, I managed to get a ticket, but one of my kids came down with the flu. It was one of those times when you have to pretend that you love your kids more than something you really wanna do.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Oh, Blanche, that was sweet of you.
Blanche: Well, Dorothy's a good friend. Besides, who knows? Maybe this guy will turn out to be cute. [all laugh]

Quote from Rose

Rose: Morning, Blanche. How was your date last night?
Blanche: Ha! How was my date last night? I woke up alone. That's how my date was last night. He didn't open my car door. He did not escort me into the restaurant, didn't pull out my chair, and then, when the check came, he made me pay half the bill! What did I ever do to deserve that?
Rose: Sounds to me like you put out before dinner again.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: [singing] She loves you Yeah, yeah, yeah She loves you Yeah, yeah, yeah
Sophia: "Yeah, yeah, yeah," you call that music? "Hidy hidy ho," now that's music.

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: I can't believe you. Are you actually standing here, telling your own mother you had sex with a complete stranger?
Dorothy: No, but it was an incredible simulation.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: That's Dorothy. Really dodged a bullet, didn't you?

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Don't you think I know what this is all about? It's about that British Invasion that's been going on in your bedroom.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Oh, I don't even know if I can say this. He won't touch me. Five dates and not even a kiss. Just when I finally meet somebody who can make me happy, just when I need it the most Oh, I can't believe I'm about to say this. Blanche Devereaux has lost her sex appeal. [exits]
Sophia: They're always the last to know.

Quote from Rose

Rose: What are you looking for, Blanche?
Blanche: Batteries. You know, I bought one of those subliminal self-esteem tapes, but my batteries are dead.
Rose: Oh, you don't need those trendy tapes, Blanche. You know what I do when I need a shot of self-esteem?
Blanche: Yeah, you put on that dopey "It's okay to be me" sweatshirt, go lock yourself in the bathroom, and then, like a moron, kiss yourself silly in the mirror.
Rose: And I guess I'll be back in there again tonight.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: I am home, dear, dear friends. What a glorious night!
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, I just hate you. There you go again, rubbing it in, how I'm having a sex drought and you're having a bumper crop.
Dorothy: And I'm expecting more rain.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: All right, but, honey, make it fast. Ten words or less.
Rose: All right, but your curiosity is gonna be so piqued, you'll beg for more.
Blanche: Just spit it out, Rose. When was it a man refused to sleep with you?
Rose: The time I was radioactive.
Blanche: How 'bout you, Sophia?
Sophia: Well, there was that time Warren Beatty passed up the chance to sleep with me.
Blanche: So, Rose, you say you were radioactive?

Quote from Blanche

Jerry: Why'd you ask me to pick you up at a motel?
Blanche: They're having a cast party for Beatlemania at our house, and the last time I looked, Ringo was hanging over the toilet singing Help.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: I am nothing but a cheap, tawdry slut.
Rose: Don't tell me. Is it Blanche?

Quote from Blanche

Jerry: I dated my high school sweetheart for years. We married right out of school, and we were both virgins on our wedding night.
Blanche: [laughs] I'm sorry. I thought you were makin' a funny.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Oh, you must have had a great time at Beatlemania last night.
Dorothy: Fabulous. It was just like seeing the Beatles.
Rose: And the fans?
Dorothy: Oh! They went crazy. They were screaming and jumping up and down just like it was the '60s. I mean, everyone except me. I mean, I had a fabulous time, but I managed to retain my dignity.
Don: Morning, blokes.
Dorothy: He followed me home, Ma. Can I keep him? Can I, huh?

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: Dorothy? What the hell are you doing with this loser?
Dorothy: Ma, he is not a loser. He's a wonderful and gifted musician. I know this sounds odd, but when he was on stage, our eyes met and it was... Well, it was It was kismet. Suddenly, we were spiritually-connected soul mates.
Don: And then you threw your underwear at me, didn't you, love?
Dorothy: So sue me. I just got caught up in the moment. And then, afterwards, we went for coffee, and then, one thing led to another, and we wound up here. Well, is that so bad?

Quote from Blanche

Jerry: So what do you say, Blanche? Go out with me again.
Blanche: I don't know. I do hate breaking in widowers.
Jerry: Actually, I feel more like a schoolboy.
Blanche: I guess I could go out with a schoolboy.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I'm stunned. I'm- I'm completely stunned.
Rose: Dorothy, what's wrong? How was Don's debut?
Dorothy: A disaster. What can you say about a show by an ex-fake-Beatle that began with I've Got to Be Me and ended with Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting? What the hell was that man doing up there?
Rose: Was it as bad as that?
Dorothy: Had it been a fight, they would've stopped it.
Rose: Did he do any of his own material?
Dorothy: Oh, he did his own material, all right. A Tribute to Dorothy. "Dot, Dot, what a girl I got." The last words I heard as I sprinted to my car were, "When we shower together, we don't have to turn on hot."

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: I guess I just feel a little silly right now. Could I have transferred my love for the Beatles to this one man who plays a Beatle? Could I have been so shallow as to have fallen in love with a persona, and--and not the person? Oh, Ma, I need support now. Please, honey, no jokes, no I-told-you-so's.
Sophia: Of course not, Dot. "Dot, I've got to trot." Hey, listen to me. I'm a Beatle.


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