Dorothy: Girls, I have great news. I finally convinced Don to quit Beatlemania. Isn't that wonderful?
Sophia: Dorothy, you're 60 years old and breaking up fake rock-and-roll bands. I want you to think about that.
Dorothy: Ma, will you stop it? Thanks to me, Don can now perform his own songs. Do you know what that makes me?
Sophia: Yoko Zbornak?

Blanche: Girls, I have a question, a vital question. I want you to think long and hard before answering. Am I ugly?
Sophia: Yes.
Blanche: I mean, I've always thought of myself as ravishing, but is something changing? Is there- Is there, all of a sudden, something disgusting and unattractive about me?
Sophia: Yes.
Blanche: Now, you cut it out, you old worm woman.

Jerry: Hi, I'm Jerry. Is Dorothy Zbornak here?
Blanche: Uh. Uh...
Sophia: I'm Dorothy Zbornak.
Rose: Sophia, you stop that. You are not Dorothy Zbornak. I'm Dorothy Zbornak.
Sophia: All right, all right, but I am a Petrillo, and I've been known to make princes and kings leave their wives and palaces and dance the bossa nova.
Jerry: Excuse me, what does that mean?
Sophia: I think it means today is placebo-pill day. I'm going to bed.

Jerry: This is all very confusing. Now, I'm supposed to meet a Dorothy Zbornak at this address at 7:30 for a dinner date. So which one of you really is Dorothy Zbornak?
Blanche: I am Dorothy's best friend, Blanche. I'm filling in for her because she's dead.

Blanche: Oh, Sophia, do you know where any batteries are?
Sophia: Oh, you make me sick.

Rose: Blanche, think about it. Would it really be so bad if you and Jerry just had a platonic relationship?
Blanche: Rose, I already have friends I don't have sex with. You guys.

Sophia: I can't believe you. Are you actually standing here, telling your own mother you had sex with a complete stranger?
Dorothy: No, but it was an incredible simulation.

Blanche: I am nothing but a cheap, tawdry slut.
Rose: Don't tell me. Is it Blanche?

Jerry: No, please let me explain the way I acted last night. My wife died two years ago. I really haven't dated since then. I wanted to get back into the swing of things, so I read up on what modern women want. You know, equality, pay their own way. I guess it's all got me confused.
Blanche: Oh, Jerry. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Come over here. Now, let me clear up any confusion you might have. I don't want to be treated as your equal.
Jerry: You don't?
Blanche: I want to be treated a lot better than you. I mean, really. Like a goddess who likes to go bar hopping.

Blanche: Dorothy, I won't laugh.
Dorothy: Okay, I'll tell you, honey. I have a blind date tonight, and I want you to go out with him. [Rose and Sophia laugh]
Rose: You're right, Dorothy. This is one hearty laugh at your expense.
Dorothy: At least Blanche kept her word. She didn't laugh.
Blanche: And you know why? I was singing a little song in my mind. Camptown Races. I didn't hear a word you said.