Rose: Do you know that promotion I was up for at the counseling center? Well, I found out I can't have it unless I become bilingual.
Blanche: Oh, no, honey, don't do that. No job is worth having to date women.
Dorothy: Blanche, "bilingual" refers to a person who speaks more than one language.
Blanche: Oh! Why'd I think it was something sexual?

Dorothy: I can't believe this is happening. Our whole married life, I was so careful about money. And all the time, Stanley had his hand in the cookie jar.
Rose: In the olden days, the Vikings would cut off your hand if they caught you stealing. They'd cut out your tongue if they caught you lying. They'd cut off your feet if they caught you trespassing.
Sophia: Too bad there wasn't a Viking around when Stan knocked you up.

Dorothy: I only have half of the 2500. And since I don't qualify for a bank loan, I'm just gonna have to sell some of my stuff.
Sophia: Hold it. No daughter of mine is selling her stuff. It's a sin, it's a crime, and let's face it, Dorothy, lately you can't give it away.

Blanche: Girls, do you realize it has been eight days since I've had a date?
Sophia: Do you realize it's been eight days since I had...
Dorothy: Ma, please. Whatever it is, keep it to yourself.
Sophia: That's my problem.

Rose: Anyway, that's why I signed up for a Spanish class at night school.
Blanche: That's a wonderful idea. Men go to night school. Smart men. And nothing turns me on more than a smart man. Unless maybe it's a stupid man with good hands.

Stan: Once we get in there, we have to exercise psychological control. That's why I'm wearing this suit.
Dorothy: You make me sick.
Stan: Hey, everyone knows good guys wear white. This suit subliminally tells the auditor I'm a good guy.
Dorothy: I could vomit just looking at you.

Rose: Come on, Blanche, we don't wanna be late. Oh, darn, I keep forgetting. I'm not supposed to speak English. Being bilingual really gets me confused.
Sophia: Ziploc bags get you confused.

Dorothy: What the hell is this?
Stan: Oh, uh, that- It's a business loss. I made a bad investment.
Dorothy: What investment? You never told me you were investing our money.
Stan: Well, I actually wasn't planning to, but I knew this was a money maker the minute I laid eyes on it. I'm talking tie bibs, babe.
Dorothy: Tie bibs.
Stan: Yeah. Little bibs that fit over your necktie. You go out to lunch, you don't worry about staining your tie. It's a perfect gift, a great idea. And the best part was, no one else had ever thought of it. To this day, I don't know why I couldn't sell them.
Dorothy: Did you ever hear of napkins, Stanley?!

Rose: I've only cheated once in my life and I vowed I'd never do it again.
Blanche: Couldn't handle the guilt?
Rose: No, I got caught. Oh, it was the worst experience of my whole life. St. Olaf was rocked by the scandal.
Blanche: What'd you do, shortchange somebody down at the feed store?
Rose: Worse. I fed BB's to my prize lamb, Harlan, so he'd weigh in heavier at the county fair.
Blanche: Oh, my God, Rose. How do you sleep at night?
Rose: I knew it was wrong all along, but I wanted to win first prize. And I would have if Harlan could have held it just a little longer.
Blanche: [to Dorothy] Boy, did you just miss a real gem.

Rose: Now that I'm taking Spanish, I'm gonna totally immerse myself in the culture. From now on, I'm only speaking Spanish. I'm eating Spanish food, I'm wearing Spanish clothes, and I'm re-reading the covers of my Julio Iglesias albums really, really carefully.