Rose: Blanche, what are you doing home? I thought you were on a date with Jerry.
Blanche: So did I. He let me out at the movie theater and said he was gonna go park the car. That's the last I saw of him.
Rose: I think you've been ditched.
Blanche: Now, did I ask you? If I want advice on getting ditched, I'll ask an expert. Dorothy, did I get ditched?
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche, but don't feel bad. Look what it's done for Sonny Bono.

Stan: Her name is Katherine. We met at the post office. We discovered we had a lot in common.
Sophia: Oh, is she bald too?
Stan: For the first few months I found myself sending her flowers, candy, friendship notes for no special reason.
Rose: That's lovely, Stan. I'm impressed.
Stan: Yeah, I read in a book by some dame shrink that chicks really eat that stuff up. Anyway, Katherine and I fell in love and on the spur of the moment we decided to get married. The wedding is a week from tonight and you're all invited. I talked to the kids. They said they'll try and fly in. I gotta go now. I'm on my way to surprise Katherine with this. What do you think?
Sophia: I think Lisa Bonet spent more on the ring in her nose.

Stan: I really have to run now. I'm fixing a terrific late-night supper for Katherine.
Dorothy: Oh, really? In 38 years of marriage, you never once cooked a terrific meal for us.
Stan: Neither did you.

Stan: Dorothy, I got here as fast as I could.
Dorothy: Stan, how'd you know where to find us?
Stan: Well, I had second thoughts about the ring the girls made me buy so I came by the house. The neighbors told me what happened.
Dorothy: I'm so happy you're cheap.

Dr. Seymour: Mrs. Zbornak?
Dorothy: Dr. Seymour, is my mother going to be all right?
Dr. Seymour: Her condition is quite serious.
Dorothy: But you said it was a simple virus.
Dr. Seymour: It's advanced to pneumonia. Normally I wouldn't be this concerned, but her resistance is low. That, coupled with her age, makes these next few hours extremely critical.
Dorothy: Are you saying she could die?
Dr. Seymour: We're doing everything possible. All we can do is wait and see how she responds to treatment.
Dorothy: Can I see her?
Dr. Seymour: Not until she's out of Intensive Care. The best thing you can do now is go home and get some rest. I'll call if there's any change.

Doctor: Look, there's been no change on the Petrillo case. We are very busy. We'll call when we can.
Stan: Listen, buddy. Sophia may be just another case to you, but we happen to love her. So We want to know how she is, regardless. So from now on, I want to be informed every hour, on the hour. Do you understand me?
Doctor: I'm sorry, sir. I'll see that you're kept informed.
Dorothy: [to Stan] You were magnificent.
Stan: I have my moments.

Stan: Well, what do you want? Lasagna or cannelloni?
Dorothy: Oh, Ma makes great lasagna. I can never get mine to taste as good. She says it's because I don't sing to my marinara sauce. That's her secret. She sings opera to her sauce. Except, of course, during the holiday season when she sings Nat King Cole.
Stan: I love your lasagna.
Dorothy: Oh, you're just saying that to make me feel better.
Stan: Is it working?
Dorothy: Like a charm.

Dr. Seymour: Excuse me. Mrs. Zbornak.
Dorothy: Oh Oh! My mother?
Dr. Seymour: She's going to be fine. You can go up and see her right away.
Dorothy: Thank you. Oh, she's- She's going to be all right. Stanley, come on. Let's go see her.
Stan: No, no, no. You go. You two should be alone. I'll stay here and clean up. I'll stop by later.
Dorothy: Stan, thank you for standing by me. I don't know how I could have done it without you.
Stan: Hey, what are ex-husbands for?

Rose: Blanche, we can't let Dorothy ruin Stan and Katherine's wedding. I mean, it's selfish, it's adolescent and it'd put a real cramp in their honeymoon.
Blanche: Rose.
Rose: For somebody who's supposed to be so smart, Dorothy's acting like a real goober.
Blanche: Rose.
Rose: And don't think I wouldn't say that right to her face. 'Course, I'd have to stand on a chair. [laughs]
[Dorothy slides a chair behind Rose]
Rose: It's her, isn't it?

Rose: He's wearing a girdle?
Dorothy: And padded shoulders.
Blanche: And knowing him, a sock in his crotch.