Sophia: This is the kind of mistake you're supposed to make when you're 19. It gives me hope to think you can be just as dopey at 82.
Max: So. Do you want to get a divorce?
Sophia: Hey, I'm Catholic. I don't need a divorce on my record with St. Peter in spitting distance. I say we get separated.
Max: Fine. That's a better idea. I'll go back to Brooklyn. My family's there, my grandkids. And I miss the old neighborhood.
Sophia: And I'll stay here in Miami. Ever since I lost my Sal, the ladies I live with are my family. But that doesn't mean we can't get together occasionally for... you know.
Max: You can do that when you're just good friends?
Sophia: Hey, I want to get in good with St. Peter, I don't want his job.

Rose: Uh-oh. Either I mixed the Elvis list with the wedding list, or everyone in Max's family appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show.

Dorothy: I set off the smoke alarm.
Rose: How?
Dorothy: Cigarette.
Rose: Oh, no thank you, I don't smoke. Now, how did you set off the alarm?
Dorothy: I smoked a cigarette, you amoeba.

Blanche: Well, it just so happens that it was not about sex. There's a lot more than that to Blanche Devereaux. My dream was to be a great scientist. Work in a laboratory. Do research. Find a cure for the common cold.
Dorothy: You know, Blanche, I owe you an apology. I really thought-
Blanche: Then I'd knock all those test tubes off the table, grab a Ph.D., and show those lab rabbits how it's really done.

Sophia: Dorothy, I spoke to your Aunt Regina in Sicily to tell her about the wedding. She told me I'm in for some very bad luck unless I have the blessing of my eldest daughter, or my child with the most facial hair. Either way, all arrows point to you.

Blanche: Well, that about concludes the first meeting of the Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin' Love Fan Club. But before we adjourn, our secretary has a real special surprise. A genuine Elvis artifact!
Rose: It's a partially-eaten pork chop. He had beautiful teeth, didn't he? It's wonderful!
Dorothy: This has to be a fake. I mean, Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop. [laughs]
Blanche: Dorothy, you're out of the club. Meeting is adjourned. Thank you, ladies. See you next week.

Dorothy: What's a terrific idea?
Rose: Hiring an Elvis impersonator for our next club meeting.
Blanche: Dorothy, if you were picking an Elvis impersonator, how would you pick a good one?
Dorothy: I'd thump on his belly and see if he's ripe. How the hell should I know? And why the hell should I care? You threw me out of your crummy club.

Dorothy: Ma, you know how I feel. I cannot give you my blessing.
Sophia: Dorothy, I love you, but if you ruin my happiness, I will put a Sicilian curse on you that will be like hell on earth.
Dorothy: Ma, you can't put a Sicilian curse on your eldest daughter if the mother is marrying a man under five foot seven! You're not the only one with Aunt Regina's phone number.
Sophia: Damn MCI.

Rose: Girls! Girls, it's here. I am so excited. It's my letter from the Elvis Presley fan club. Oh, my hands are shaking. Dorothy, you read it.
Dorothy: "Dear Rose Nylund. Your application to start an unauthorized chapter of the Elvis Presley Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin' Love Fan Club in your neighborhood and/or trailer park has been accepted."
Rose: This is the happiest, most fulfilling day of my life!
Sophia: Which makes you the most pathetic human being on this planet.

Dorothy: Ma, what's the matter?
Sophia: Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together. She was my best friend.
Dorothy: Oh, I'm so sorry. What happened?
Sophia: She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico. She was 88!
Rose: Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.