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‘The Pope's Ring’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: The Pope's Ring

712. The Pope's Ring

Aired December 14, 1991

When Sophia attends a papal mass to ask for her friend to be blessed, she nabs the Pontiff's ring. Meanwhile, for Rose's birthday present, Blanche hires a private detective to follow Miles.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Well, I can't use this.
Dorothy: She's right. This violates the privacy of her relationship, and I think you should take it back.
Blanche: You're just trying to make that old stupid sweatshirt of yours look better. Besides I can't take it back.
I paid in advance.
Rose: Can't you get a refund?
Blanche: Well, no. I paid with nature's credit card.
Dorothy: You never leave home without it.

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Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: Dorothy, if you're really so worried about this, well, I'll just let Rose open yours first so you won't be embarrassed.
Dorothy: You know, your ego is so fragile you have to turn everything into a popularity contest. Well, I have news for you. Today your worst nightmare happens. Today I make you look bad.
Blanche: You hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, don't you?
Dorothy: There's a man leaving in 10 minutes. Be under him.

Quote from Rose

Miles: Rose, sweetheart, you don't understand. I'm- I'm here for cosmetic surgery.
Rose: Cosmetic surgery? Why?
Miles: Because I look old, Rose. Do you have any idea what it's like working on a college campus?
Rose: Well, I've never worked on one, but I was the subject of a lab experiment once.
Miles: Wait a minute, you never told me that.
Rose: They doubled my IQ. For three days, I was another Einstein. Then they pulled out the IV.
Miles: What was in that IV?
Rose: Smart juice, I guess.

Quote from Dorothy

Sophia: Dorothy, I can't breathe!
Dorothy: Not now, Ma. Okay, but this better be good.
Sophia: I don't know. How good would you consider the Pope's ring?
Dorothy: Okay, Ma, squirt me in the eye and get it over with.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Of course it's serious. If it was minor, he would have told me about it. That's why he's been living for the day. He's afraid there won't be a tomorrow.
Sophia: This may not be a good time, but has anyone seen a large, jewel-encrusted ring that's steeped in history just lying around lately?

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Rose, what's the problem?
Rose: Oh, Blanche thinks I should go to the hospital tomorrow. Well, if Miles didn't tell me about the surgery, doesn't that mean he doesn't want me there?
Blanche: Excuse me, Rose, you're about to make a grave mistake. You come to me if you want advice on men. You go to Dorothy if there's grammar you want help with.
Dorothy: You ended that sentence with a preposition just to bait me.
Blanche: What would I do that for?

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Look, I know how to settle this. Let me tell you a story of the steamy South. A tale of deception and tragedy.
Sophia: Just a second, Uncle Remus.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Go ahead, Blanche.
Blanche: No, the mood has been ruined. Suffice it to say, it involved a men's club, a vine rope, and a large bottle of Absorbine Jr.
Dorothy: Blanche, how could you possibly think that this would help Rose decide what to do about Miles being ill in the hospital?
Rose: Oh, Blanche, God bless you. I see it all so clearly now. I don't care what Miles does, I'm going to be at that hospital tomorrow.
Blanche: And she still hasn't worn your sweatshirt.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Well, if it's important to you, I'll support you. But why didn't you tell me about it earlier?
Miles: Well, for the same reason that those formulas that dye hair do it gradually. I mean, it's the kind of thing you want people to notice, but not to be able to pinpoint.
Rose: I didn't know you dyed your hair.
Miles: Rose, my hair is gray. It's been gray since we met.
Rose: Boy, that is gradual.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Good mornin'.
Dorothy: Oh, how was your date last night?
Blanche: Oh, it's too soon to tell. I'll let you know when I send him home.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Is this for Rose's birthday?
Dorothy: Oh, now, look, don't you start with me. Every Christmas, every birthday, any time we have to give a gift to the same person, you always find something wrong with mine so yours looks better.
Blanche: I didn't say anything. But let's face it, those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. Look at the ducky wrappin' paper. And the little stick-on bow. Did you get her a Ziggy card?
Dorothy: No.
Blanche: Oh, my. Not Snoopy?
Dorothy: [hiding a card] I didn't get her a card.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Coming through. The Pope's in town and I've got a bus to catch. Let's see, I've got my binoculars, my lucky rosary... Uh-oh, I forgot my whoopee cushion. Ah, who am I kidding? Everyone on that bus will be over 80. It'd be like getting a dog to bark in a kennel.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Oh, the Pope is saying a mass on his stopover here. Ma got two tickets. We're going together. Oh, a papal mass is something people wait a lifetime for.
Sophia: Whoops.
Dorothy: "Whoops"? Is that Pope-related, or just another bark in the kennel?
Sophia: The Pope. I traded our two bad tickets way in the back for one good ticket way up front.
Dorothy: Well, Ma, what about me?
Sophia: Uh, I thought about that. This is the plan. We'll get one of those really long overcoats, I'll stand on your shoulders, and...
Dorothy: And what? Blend in with the circus folk?

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Dorothy, I need to get close to the Pope so I can ask him to come and bless my friend Agnes in the hospital.
Blanche: Oh, well, now, isn't that sweet? But, honey, with all those people, there's no way you're ever going to get the Pope to notice you.
Sophia: [taking out a foam finger] Oh, he'll notice me.

Quote from Dorothy

Rose: Oh, Dorothy! Oh, a second-hand sweatshirt with my name misspelled on it. Oh, you're right, Dorothy, I love it!
Dorothy: Rose, that is the original Mickey Mouse Club sweatshirt that Roy wore! I got it at an auction.
Rose: Oh, my God. I loved Roy. Oh, there was something about him. Woof! Oh, Dorothy, I just can't imagine a better birthday present.
Dorothy: Neither can I. Blanche?

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Rose, before I give you mine, I just want to ask you one question. It may seem a little odd, but it has a lot to do with your gift. Has Miles started wearing bikini underwear lately?
Dorothy: Blanche, please, the Pope is in town.
Blanche: I'm serious.
Rose: Actually, Miles did buy some bikinis. But just the bottoms.
Blanche: I have been watching Miles for a while, and I think he's going through a crisis. He is showing all the signs. Trying to act trendy, trying to be young. And if he's also wearing bikinis-
Rose: Just the bottoms.
Blanche: Mmm-hmm. Well, Rose, I'm afraid he may start playin' around on you.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Wait a minute. None of this proves that Miles is even thinking of cheating on Rose.
Blanche: You're absolutely right, Dorothy. And that is why I have hired a detective to follow Miles and find out for sure! Happy birthday, honey!
Dorothy: A detective? You're giving the gift of suspicion?
Blanche: That's right. He's gonna follow Miles everywhere he goes for the next two weeks. Oh, and if you really love any of the pictures, you can get 'em in wallet size.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Blanche, I'm not sure. Miles has never given me the slightest reason to distrust him.
Blanche: Rose, he was in the Witness Protection Program. He lied about his job, his past, his name. Everything!
Rose: Well, it is already paid for.

Quote from Rose

Rose: [loudly] We're going out now! Outside on the lanai!
Miles: [loudly] Uh, yes! Yes, here we are! [laughs] We're probably gonna sit in these chairs. Rose? Why did we do that?
Rose: Did it seem odd to you?
Miles: Well, well, yes, a little. But, hey, you're the birthday girl.

Quote from Rose

Miles: Hey, I got an idea. I'm- I'm feeling a little frisky. Did you ever make love in the out-of-doors?
Rose: Miles, no. Well, just once. Charlie and I went to St. Olaf's most romantic outdoor trysting place. Mount Pushover. But that place was sacred. Not out here, Miles.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: My God, Ma! This looks real!
Sophia: It is real. You think he'd wear his fakes in public like Zsa Zsa?
Dorothy: But, Ma, how did this happen?
Sophia: Picture it. The papal mass. A few hours ago. I want to cop a blessing for Agnes, so I sneak into the crippled and lame section.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, how could you?
Sophia: With a pronounced limp. The Pope finally arrives, I bend down to kiss his ring. Just then, security comes and whisks him away. He leaves the ring behind as a memento.
Dorothy: Ma, you stole the Pope's ring?
Sophia: It slipped off. You know, for God's representative on Earth, he sure has sweaty palms.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: You're gonna take it right back.
Sophia: Dorothy, this is a sign. Maybe I'm supposed to make a miracle. Hey, maybe this is my shot at getting into the Bible.
Dorothy: Ma, the Bible is a done deal.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Now, you can't keep it. We're talking about a millenniums-old symbol of the Pope's authority. Something so steeped in history and tradition that it makes even you seem middle-aged.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: That's it, I'm damned. I'll never make it to heaven to see my Sal.
Dorothy: Now, take it easy, Ma. Let's retrace your steps. What did you do when you first got home?
Sophia: Who knows? Nap on the couch, nap on the bed, nap on the lanai. I do so much, it's all a blur.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Then we just have to search room by room.
Sophia: It's hopeless. We'll never find it. I say we just wait and pray it turns up, say in the next day or two. What?
Dorothy: Those are the exact words you used when my gold bracelet was missing.
Sophia: So?
Dorothy: So two days later you came back from the dentist saying, "Are these fillings or are these fillings?"

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: What's your point?
Dorothy: You didn't lose it, Ma. You just said you did so you could keep it.
Sophia: Absolutely not. Not in a million years. I swear on my life I don't have it.
Dorothy: Do you want me to turn you upside down and shake you?
Sophia: You're bluffing.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, Blanche is telling a story.
Sophia: Oh, sorry. Go on.
Blanche: I was 19.
Sophia: Fine. He might have a blessing that gets men.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: What? I thought she was finished.
Dorothy: She just said she was 19.
Sophia: Well, look at her now. You don't call that a tragedy?

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: I called the diocese like you told me, Dorothy. The Pope will be here any minute to pick up the ring.
Blanche: The Pope's comin' here? This is horrible. What will I wear? I don't believe I have a thing that doesn't call attention to my bosom.
Sophia: Try not wearing makeup.

Quote from Dorothy

Father: Good evening. I'm here about the ring.
Sophia: You're not the Pope.
Father: Well, not yet. But like they say, "You never know when the smoke will blow your way."
Sophia: You're not getting the ring.

Quote from Rose

Miles: Sweetheart, may I ask, what are you doing here? I didn't want you to see me like this.
Rose: Oh, I know. I just wanted a chance to say I love you. Oh, and there'll be no other man after.
Miles: After? After what? I'm here for my eyes.
Rose: Oh, thank God you're not going to die. Oh, and don't worry, I can be your eyes.
Miles: Oh, sweetheart, my eyes are fine. It's just the bags underneath them.
Rose: Then I can be your bags.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Oh, Sophia, how's Agnes?
Sophia: About the same. Is he okay?
Rose: Oh, yes, he's having cosmetic surgery.
Sophia: It's about time. I'll be in the john. [taking Miles' chart] Reading material.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Sophia, you won't believe it! You know who's here? The Pope is here! Sophia! The Pope!
Sophia: [o.s.] All my life I've been waiting for this!
Rose: Oh, okay, I won't disturb you.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Pussycat! Pussycat! I witnessed a miracle! The Pope came to the hospital and blessed Agnes. He answered my prayers! He answered me! Oh, ye of little faith.
Blanche: Oh, you must feel special, Sophia. You must feel blessed.
Sophia: And hungry. Come on, Rose, let's go into the kitchen and whip up some loaves and fishes.
Rose: Oh, he had the most beautiful blue eyes.
Sophia: Yeah. All the cute guys are either married or popes.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Ace to the pair. No help for the Pontiff. Read 'em and weep. Full boat. Okay. High spade in the hole goes to heaven. So, any chance of me winning back that ring? Nah, I don't have to cut. I trust you.


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