Rose: So what's the problem?
Sophia: His sister. It's weird. We can't do anything without her. I haven't been alone with him yet. You know how hard it is to make out with a guy when his sister's sitting next to you?
Rose & Blanche: Boy, do I ever.
Blanche: Now, you stop that. You just stop that.

Blanche: All right, now, Sophia, remember, honey, play hard to get. It drives a man crazy.
Dorothy: Yeah, read that somewhere, did you?

Dorothy: [answering door] I'm sorry, but I already know Jesus.

Dorothy: I thought the two of you would like some nice, cool lemonade.
Sophia: Marvin is married to Sarah.
Dorothy: [to Marvin] You don't get any lemonade.

Dorothy: Ma, come on. I guess we've all learned something from this.
Sophia: Yeah, you can never really replace someone you've lost, and the next time I answer an ad, it'll be from one of Blanche's magazines. Those people know what they want.

Rose: Sophia, don't you think you might be rushing things?
Sophia: Please! The man is 86. Right now, it's a race between me and the blood clot in his leg to see who gets him first.

Sarah: Hi, I've come to pick up my brother.
Sophia: Well, if it isn't Mrs. Caligula. Come on in and pull up a whip.

Dorothy: I know what a man is, but I tell you, I would never look for one through the personals. And you know why? Because I have standards. I have intelligence. I have class. And you know what else I have?
Sophia: It's not self-awareness. That's for damn sure.

Blanche: Sophia, listen, how about this one? "Elderly white male with broken hip seeks elderly white female. I am into massages, bran muffins and the book Final Exit. Please respond quickly, or I'll do it. I swear I will."
Sophia: Too much pressure. Moving on.
Blanche: Okay, here's another good one. "Recent widower seeks widow. I am handsome, intelligent, and possess great style. I am also incontinent but have learned to laugh about it."
Sophia: Well, that's a keeper.

Dorothy: Any wonder we get nursing-home brochures by the truckload?