Sophia: Where is that idiot Stan? Angelo will be here from the airport any minute.
Dorothy: I don't know where he is. You know, Stan's always late. He was even late for our first date. [doorbell]
Sophia: And then you were late. Which is why you had to marry that stupid, lazy, no-good, pinhead of... [opening door] A prince. This man is a prince.

Angelo: Sophia! You look terrific. You haven't changed a bit in 40 years.
Sophia: Angelo, you're a priest. You shouldn't lie.
Angelo: Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Before the trip, I said an extra 50 Hail Marys in case I felt like a-cutting a-loose.

Angelo: So, tell me, how are the children?
Dorothy: Oh, Uncle Angelo, they're all grown up.
Angelo: How nice.
Dorothy: Kate is an interior decorator in New York, and Michael is a very successful musician.
Stan: You know, I was a little disappointed Michael didn't want go in the novelty business with me.
Dorothy: Yes. It was a crushing blow when he decided to join the Boston Philharmonic instead of selling rubber dog poop door-to-door.
Stan: Don't knock the novelty business, snookums. Rubber dog poop and joy buzzers provided nicely for you, the two kids...
Dorothy: And several stewardesses.
Angelo: Stewardesses?
Sophia: Uh, they adopted them. After Asian babies, they're the most popular.

Dorothy: Can I get you another slice of cake, Uncle Angelo?
Angelo: No, thank you.
Stan: I'll take a slice, darling.
Dorothy: No problem, sweetheart.
Stan: Hurry back, dumpling.
Dorothy: My feet have wings, barf bag.

Dorothy: Stanley, you're a pig in a cheap suit.
Stan: You know, for two cents-
Dorothy: You could get a better toupee?

Stan: Dorothy, I know it's been a while, but try and control yourself. I need some rest. What the hell is that for?
Dorothy: You're not getting into this bed, Stanley.
Stan: Then where am I supposed to sleep?
Dorothy: On the floor like any dog.
Stan: Fine. Just fine. Stan Zbornak doesn't have to beg a woman to get into bed. Women come to me.
Dorothy: Yeah. Right after they get the approval number on your MasterCard.

Angelo: You know, it's such a shame, you two stuck here on your 40th anniversary. Stuck with us.
Dorothy: Fortieth anniversary?
Angelo: Sure. Today's the 25th, isn't it?
Dorothy: Yes. Yeah, I guess it is.
Rose: I remember when my parents celebrated their 40th anniversary. They did the cutest thing. They renewed their marriage vows. [laughs] You two should do that. You've got a priest right here. It'll be perfect. It's sweet.
It's romantic. It's spontaneous. It's the dumbest idea I've ever had.

Stan: Dorothy, just hear me put. The last two days, you and me being here brought back a lot of good memories. Last night when you and I were in bed together, I felt something.
Dorothy: That was my mother's knee.

Dorothy: Actually, we've all been deceitful, too. Stanley and I are divorced. I hope you're not disappointed.
Angelo: No. I'm thrilled. I never liked him. He's a yutz.
Rose: And we're not really nuns.
Blanche: We're actually gorgeous private citizens.

Sophia: Stan, before I forget, a deal's a deal. Here's your 50.
Stan: That's okay, Sophia. This one's on the house.
Sophia: Pull yourself together, pussycat. Gershwin confused a lot of people.