Sophia: Would you stop complaining? We've got it easy. Back in Sicily, I was on a game show. It was torture.
Rose: What was it called, Sophia?
Sophia: I just told you. Torture. Mussolini asked the questions and you'd better have the right answers. Things like: Who do you like better, me or Hitler? Who's got the snappiest boots, me or Hitler? Who's got the cuter girlfriend, me or Hitler? And you always had to answer, "Mussolini." Otherwise, they forced you to play the lightning round. They used real lightning.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, Ma, you're making this up.
Sophia: Like hell, I did. Goodson-Todman brought it to the United States., changed a few of the rules and called it Tattle Tales. Now count your blessings and go to sleep. Good night.

Dorothy: Hi, Ma. You want some dinner?
Sophia: Forget dinner. Listen up, everybody. I've got something in this old lady purse that's gonna make you scream, holler and jump for joy.
Blanche: Are the batteries included?

Dorothy: Oh, Ma, these tickets were sent out four months ago. You gave them the wrong address.
Sophia: Oh, yeah. Here it is, my old address from Sicily. Two miles west of Palermo, underneath the old bridge.
Rose: You used to live under a bridge?
Sophia: Yeah, we were wealthy. Most people didn't have a bridge to live under.

Blanche: Here, let me handle this. Nancy, honey. Now, I don't generally like to throw my name around, but you really leave me no choice. It so happens that I am Miss Angie Dickinson. And now, if you don't mind, I would like two rooms.
Nancy: You don't look like Angie Dickinson to me.
Blanche: I know, I have altered my appearance for a very important movie role.
Dorothy: Yeah, it's about a woman who eats her way from behind the Iron Curtain.

Guy Corbin: For 100 points, complete this famous saying: "Better late than..." Blanche.
Blanche: Pregnant.
Guy Corbin: That's incorrect. But certainly not untrue.

Guy Corbin: Our second contestant is an artist with an incredible body. She runs her own museum, speaks Chinese and hopes to sail around the world before she turns 40. Wow, that must be a typo. Welcome, Blanche Devereaux!

Nancy: Good morning, my name is Nancy. How may I help you?
Dorothy: We have two double rooms reserved under the name Zbornak.
Nancy: I'm afraid I just gave those two rooms away.
Rose: But we had a reservation.
Nancy: Until 3am. You're late. Therefore the reservation is null and void. I'm sorry, that's company policy.
Sophia: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm from Sicily and you know what our company policy is? First, I break your knees.

Guy Corbin: Our next contestant is a family counselor. She originally hails from St. Olaf, Minnesota, where she was voted the girl most likely to get stuck in a tuba. Welcome, Rose Nylund.

Blanche: Oh, Grab That Dough is my favorite game show.
Rose: Oh, mine too, and I think Guy Corbin is the cutest host on TV. He's like Gene Rayburn, Chuck Woolery and Bob Eubanks, all rolled into one.
Dorothy: That's an awful lot of teeth and polyester.

Blanche: Sophia, when are we gonna be on?
Sophia: We tape tomorrow afternoon in Hollywood.
Rose: You're kidding, Hollywood, California?
Sophia: No, Rose, Hollywood on the planet Romulak.