Rose: Girls, you will never guess who was just on the phone!
Blanche: The real phone, Rose, or your Farmer in the Dell phone?
Rose: Oh, please. I haven't had a Farmer in the Dell phone since I was 50.

Dorothy: But this still doesn't say anything about Jerry.
Rose: I know, I know, but I've drawn a blank. I even called his brother, and they haven't spoken since Jerry was arrested for public nudity. Damn it, there is just nothing funny about that clown-fearing, mama's boy!

Millicent: He's watching his refined sugar intake.
Blanche: Yes, he should. This cake is sweetened with natural fruit juices.
Millicent: No, he shouldn't. His cross-country skiing machine is in the shop.
Blanche: Yes, he should. He gets plenty, and I mean plenty, of exercise with me.
Sophia: Checkmate. Hand the guy a fork.

Dorothy: Now, who called, Rose?
Rose: Jerry Kennedy!
Blanche: Jerry Kennedy, the newscaster?
Rose: Uh-huh. He's coming over to pick up his daily planner. I took it home from work by mistake. Boy, was I embarrassed when I showed up for handball with Walter Cronkite. By the way, if you ever run into Walt, don't tell him he looks like Captain Kangaroo.

Blanche: Miami's most glamorous anchorman is comin' here? Oh, I'm gonna go freshen up. If his bottom half is as good as his top half, I'm in love.

Jerry: Hello.
Dorothy: Ma, you recognize our guest?
Sophia: Of course I do. The only man you've had in your bedroom after 11:00 since we moved here.

Dorothy: Look, Stan, old Stan, new Stan, tastes-great-less-filling Stan. The point is, I am not interested. Good luck in therapy.
Stan: Dorothy, I don't think you quite get it.
Dorothy: I get it perfectly You're going to therapy to try to win me back. And I'm telling you, you're wasting your time. Not to mention $100 an hour.
Stan: $110, Dorothy. This guy's got the little beard and everything. Dr. Halperin's working with me on something called "closure." I'm not going there to try to win you back. I'm going there to try to get over you.
Sophia: Go around her, it takes less time.

Blanche: Oh, my goodness. We have company. Just so embarrassed to be seen in this old thing.
Sophia: Don't worry, Blanche. The dress covers most of it.

Dorothy: Ma, as you know, Stan's been having difficulty making it on his own. Dr. Halperin believes that you can help him in his struggle to separate from me.
Sophia: Sure I can. Stay away from my daughter or I'll have your legs broken.
Dorothy: Ma, will you try to be serious? I mean, where are you going to get the $400? Just a rough guess.

Millicent: I'm Millicent Kennedy, Gerald's mother.
Dorothy: Oh, how do you do?
Millicent: I'm looking for the cheap jezebel who's ruining my Gerald's life.
Dorothy: Blanche, company!
Millicent: Blanche Devereaux, I'm here to tell you to keep your hands off my baby. He's very special, and no one can take care of him the way I can.
Blanche: Well, excuse me, but I haven't heard any complaints so far.
Millicent: Did you know that Gerald is afraid of clowns? Or that he can't go to the bathroom except at home?
Dorothy: Oh, so that's why there's that look on his face right before they get to the weather.
Millicent: Just leave my dumpling alone, understand? Or else!