Rose: Therapy's a wonderful idea. Oh, I remember St. Olaf's most famous psychotherapists, the Freud brothers, Sigmund and Roy. You may have read their bestseller, "If I Have All the Cheese I Want, Why Am I Still Unhappy?"

Blanche: [groans] [moans] Oh, my, my, my, my, my!
Dorothy: Why do I feel the need to bathe?
Rose: So, how was it, Blanche?
Blanche: Oh, you might as well ask me to describe the glory of the Great Smoky Mountains as they rise from the mist of a Carolina dawn.
Dorothy: They went to a sleazy motel.
Blanche: Or the colors of the monarch butterfly, spreading its wings as it emerges from the miracle of the cocoon.
Dorothy: She got him to pay for half the room.
Blanche: Or the sturdy cypress reaching heavenward, tall and mighty and proud!
Dorothy: That one I think is pretty self-explanatory.

Dorothy: Blanche, honey, you okay?
Blanche: Oh, why do these things keep happenin' to me? And why do I let them keep happenin'? I'm just tired of gettin' all dressed up, lookin' gorgeous, going out, only to lose out in the end. On the other hand, I am dressed up, and I do look gorgeous, and it is gringo night at Hernando's Hacienda. Oh, but I don't think I ought to go. I'm just so vulnerable. Does anyone know how to say vulnerable in Spanish? Oh, never mind, I'll say it with my eyes. Adios. [exits]
Sophia: I said it before, and I'll say it again. Sluts just heal quicker.

Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I'm making dinner. What would you like to eat?
Sophia: A nice thick T-bone steak, corn on the cob, and pecan pie for dessert. Now ask me what I can chew.
Dorothy: I'll start soaking the cornflakes now.

Rose: Jerry, I'd like you to meet my roommate, Blanche Devereaux. And, Blanche, this is-
Blanche: Oh, why, you don't have to tell me. "From the Gulf coast to the Atlantic, from the Keys to the Okeefenokee, with the 11:00 news, this is Jerry Kennedy."
Jerry: Well, I'm flattered.
Sophia: From the pit of my stomach to the porcelain of the bowl- [Dorothy covers Sophia's mouth]

Dr. Halperin: Now, Stan, what you have to do is ask yourself, why would you want to be with a woman who so clearly doesn't want to be around you?
Dorothy: Well, I think I can answer that, Doctor. There's no other kind.

Dorothy: Ma, all I know is, you would not believe the progress that Stanley is making. As a matter of fact, I was going to invite you to one of his sessions with Dr. Halperin.
Sophia: The psychiatrist? Please. In the old days, we didn't need psychiatrists. You had a problem? You fought, you drank, you got a little on the side. You dealt with it.

Dorothy: You know, I cannot remember when I had a sponge cake quite so m-moist.
Jerry: Extremely moist.
Rose: The moistest.
Sophia: I found the tea rather moist, as well. What? I can't be uncomfortable, too?

Stan: Okay, so I lied. What, you never have?
Dorothy: Only once, Stanley. The night I told you it was good for me, too.

Stan: Dorothy, I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I've discovered that the old Stan really wasn't Stan. He was merely a Stan trying to be the Stan that everyone thought Stan should be.
Rose: Hey, I've been there.
Stan: But now, with a little bit of help, I'm becoming a new Stan.
Sophia: Oh, great. I'll take a People magazine and a Morning Herald.
Dorothy: Ma, he is not a newsstand. He's a new Stan.
Stan: Then you can see the change?
Sophia: I'm waiting for the change. That was a $5 I handed you.