Rose: Now, remember the roast. I really wanna nail him. So keep your eyes peeled for any oddities or quirks. [opens door]
Stan: Hi. It's me, Stan.
Sophia: There's one. What do I win?

Dr. Halperin: Stan, it sounds to me like you're going to extreme measures to make some kind of point here today. Now, why don't you just come out with that point?
Stan: Come home, Mama Bear. Papa Bear gets so cold sleeping alone.
Dorothy: Couldn't you just medicate him?
Dr. Halperin: I would love to, but I'm not allowed to write prescriptions for six months.

Dr. Halperin: Look, I can't say anything definitively, but there's strong evidence here that Stan doesn't actually love you.
Stan: I don't?
Dorothy: He doesn't?
Dr. Halperin: That's correct. A theory would be that he's neurotically obsessed with you.
Stan: Dorothy, we could build on that.

Dr. Halperin: Actually, he's obsessed with your mother.
Dorothy: Are you saying that his desire to be with me is really his desire to be with my mother?
Dr. Halperin: Wild, huh? It's all subconscious. Sophia represents Stan's own mother who passed away before the two of them could resolve things.
Stan: Doc, this is rougher than the session when I thought I was in love with you.
Dr. Halperin: I still have the flowers.

Blanche: Jerry is not a mama's boy. In fact, he and I came to a major understanding tonight.
Sophia: He and his mother aren't gonna see any other girls?

Blanche: Jerry is simply a man who happens to be sensitive to his mother's needs.
Dorothy: Ma, Blanche is right. Jerry's aware his mother is getting on in years. He's concerned about her happiness, and he's chosen to live at home with her because he can't go to the bathroom anyplace else.

Rose: Girls, I think I have my opening for the roast. Listen. "Good evening, everyone. I hope you enjoyed your Cornish game hen." [giggling]
Dorothy: What- What's so funny about that?
Rose: Oh, I didn't set it up. You see, we're serving Cornish game hen.
Dorothy: Oh, well, now that you've explained it.

Sophia: [wearing a life vest] Wait a minute. This isn't Splash Mountain.
Dorothy: Ma, we're not going to Splash Mountain. I want you to meet Dr. Halperin. He's Stan's psychiatrist.
Dr. Halperin: Mrs. Petrillo, I've heard a lot about you.
Sophia: Lies! All lies! Yes, I wanted a boy, but slowly I learned to accept her.
Dr. Halperin: I just meant it was nice to meet you.
Sophia: Oops.

Dorothy: Look, Ma, tell Stan you love him. He'll be out of our lives forever.
Sophia: You don't even love him. How am I supposed to?
Dorothy: I'll give you $1,000.
Sophia: Sonny boy!

Stan: This isn't the way it's supposed to be. If it isn't real, what does it mean? Let's just forget it.
Sophia: What, you're surprised? I'm supposed to love you? Oh, sure, Stan, I love you. I love you for knocking up my daughter when she was 17 years old. For sponging off Sal and me for eight years. For cheating on Dorothy left, right, and sideways. Oh, yeah, I love you.
Stan: Sophia, listen, I know I always haven't been the best son-in-law, but I've got other memories. Good memories. The four of us watching TV on that ugly green sofa Sal bought from his boss. Summer weekends on the Jersey shore. It hasn't been all bad. Dorothy, help me out here. Dorothy?
Dorothy: I'm thinking, I'm thinking.