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‘In a Bed of Rose's’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: In a Bed of Rose's

115. In a Bed of Rose's

Aired January 11, 1986

Rose is distraught after a man she is dating is found dead in her bed.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: All right, now, Rose, go on. I don't want dead people in my house.
Dorothy: People, we are talking about one man, who is probably sleeping.
Sophia: You don't think I can recognize death? I lived in a retirement home. Death visited more often than children.

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Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Oh, boy. That must have been some dream you were having last night.
Rose: What are you talking about?
Dorothy: I never heard such a racket.
Blanche: I thought you were making love.
Rose: No, no, I wasn't. No. It was a nightmare. Aan awful nightmare, just terrible.
Blanche: Isn't it interesting how the sounds are the same for awful nightmares and great sex?

Quote from Blanche

Rose: His name was Al Beatty. Her name was Beatty, too. She never married. I suppose I have to tell her.
Blanche: Oh, yes, you do. You cannot let the police tell her. Oh, the night George died, my telephone rang and a highway patrolman said, "Pardon me, ma'am. Do you have a yellow convertible and a husband named George?" I said, "Yes. Good grief, what's happened?" And he said, "Hold on, ma'am." He put me on hold, with that music while you wait. I sat there at two in the morning, listening to Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. And then after an eternity, he comes back on the line, eating chips. He says, "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm the only one here. My phone's been ringing off the hook." I said, "Officer, what about my husband?" And then he said, crunching his chips, "Oh, he's dead. Wrong way driver hit him head-on. Totally dead, ma'am." Crunch, crunch.
Dorothy: Oh, no!
Blanche: Puts me on hold, and then eats Doritos while he tells me my life is over. Oh, Rose has to tell her. Rose won't eat chips.
Rose: I never eat chips. I don't like them. They fall in my bra.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Oh, poor Al, and he just got a hair transplant.
Blanche: Here's a Beatty in Boca Raton. It's the only one.
Rose: And somebody told me he just bought a farm. Oh, my God. What'll I say to her?
Sophia: That he died in the bed of an idiot.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Well, I've never had to do this before, tell a wife that her husband's been cheating on her with me. That's the hardest thing to tell anybody.
Blanche: Oh, no, it's not. How about having to tell a pregnant woman that her husband's been cheating on her with her own sister and you're the sister and you're pregnant, too by her husband.
Dorothy: You didn't!
Blanche: Not me! Last night on Dallas. Or Dynasty. Or Falcon's Landing. Or one of those. They're all the same.
Rose: Oh, I thought you were the one.
Blanche: Oh, please. I could never do anything like that. If you saw my brother-in-law, you'd know why.

Quote from Rose

Rose: We had a neighbor in Minnesota who killed her husband. She backed over him with a combine and she didn't even know she had done it until she found little bits of plaid in the corn. She said, "Funny, that looks like bits of Joe's plaid shirt, and that looks like bits of Joe's overalls, and that looks like bits of Joe's arms and that looks like bits of..."
Blanche: Rose! We get the picture!
Rose: They had a very little coffin-
Blanche: Ah!
Dorothy: Listen, Rose. You are not to blame. Now, you know that.
Rose: Of course I know that. She was driving the combine. I wasn't anywhere near their farm.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Honey, tell us what happened!
Rose: Arnie, I slept with him.
Blanche: And?
Rose: He died.
Blanche: What?
Dorothy: Oh, no, Rose.
Rose: And the sheriff, I told him about me, how I kill men and he didn't believe me! He said, "Let's see. Sleep with me." So I did. And the sheriff died. [laughing] Arnie's fine! We had a wonderful time. Everything's terrific. I was only joking!

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I wonder where she is. She's almost two hours late.
Blanche: Oh, they probably hit traffic. I bet she slept with him.
Dorothy: I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't.
Blanche: Well, I sure couldn't be with a man I liked and abstain.
Dorothy: You know, I abstained after Stan and I split up but it wasn't a very different experience from when Stan and I were together.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: When you're making love, you don't make noise?
Dorothy: No.
Blanche: How can you not?
Dorothy: Well, I guess I always felt it wasn't very ladylike.
Rose: We should go, girls.
Blanche: Hold your bladder, Rose. Not a sound?
Dorothy: Well, it never seemed to warrant one.
Blanche: Well, do you talk?
Dorothy: I've always wanted to, but at that point, it seems that nobody is ever interested in conversation.
Blanche: Not conversation! I mean dirty talk.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: There's a man in your bed.
Rose: Oh, Sophia, there's not.
Blanche: Why, you devil, you.
Dorothy: So that was what we heard, Rose!
Blanche: Rose got lucky.
Sophia: Not so lucky. The man in your bed is dead.
Rose: What?
Sophia: Dead.
Rose: Oh, Sophia. He's not dead. I was just in there.
Sophia: So was I. I went to put back your laundry. I see there's a man in the bed, so I introduce myself, but he doesn't answer. He's dead.
Rose: He-He's shy. He's very shy.
Blanche: Didn't sound so shy last night.
Sophia: OK, fine, let a dead guy lie there. It's gonna be 98 degrees today. It won't be pretty.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, I'm sure he's not dead. Rose, go look.
Rose: Come on, he's sleeping. I don't want to wake him.
Sophia: You could light firecrackers in his nostrils. You won't wake him.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I can't go in there. I have a thing against dead people. I've never seen one. I never intend to.
Rose: Didn't you see your husband when he was dead?
Blanche: Oh, no. I cannot look at dead people. That's why I don't even watch the news. Every now and then they stick a corpse in on you. You could be watching a perfectly lovely story about Central America, all of a sudden, bam, a dead body.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: This is ridiculous! I mean, here we sit, calmly eating our bran flakes, when there could be a dead man in the house. I'll go.
Rose: She's very brave.
Blanche: Boy, I'll say.
Dorothy: [returning] I want someone to come with me.
Sophia: I'll go, I'll go. I'm from Sicily. What's the big deal?

Quote from Rose

Sophia: He bought the farm.
Rose: What farm?
Dorothy: Rose, he's dead.
Rose: No.
Dorothy: Yes.
Rose: Oh, my God. The poor man. And with a new farm and everything.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Honey, I'm sorry.
Rose: When did he die?
Dorothy: I wasn't there, Rose. You were.
Rose: You mean, I slept with a dead man last night?
Blanche: Honey, I sleep with them all the time.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Now, look, Rose. You're gonna have to go tell her. I mean, she's probably worried sick already.
Rose: But I've never done anything like this. Tell a woman her husband's been seeing me?
Blanche: Mm-hmm, and she'll say, "Why, that dirty rat. I will kill him." And you say, "Good news, darling. You don't have to. He's dead."

Quote from Rose

Rose: Hello, I'm Rose Nylund.
Lucille: I'll save you some time. I don't wear Avon, I have a mop, and I'm still paying for an encyclopedia that my son used just once to look up Sexual Genitalia, Female.
Rose: Mrs. Beatty, it's not that. It's about your husband.
Lucille: He dumped you? You've been dating him and he dumped you, and now you're getting even by telling me.
Rose: No, that's not-
Lucille: I've heard this before, I can't tell you how many times.
Rose: You have?
Lucille: You think you're the first? Please. The first time Al slept with someone else was on our honeymoon.
Rose: No!
Lucille: In Paris, the chambermaid. He always had the sign on the door, "Maid Service Requested." He slept with everyone, secretaries, schoolteachers, babysitters, neighbors, friends. One Easter, we gave our little boy some rabbits. They used to look at Al in amazement.

Quote from Rose

Lucille: How long had you been seeing him?
Rose: About a month but that's not why I'm here. I have bad news.
Lucille: Well, you couldn't be pregnant.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Last night, Al had a heart attack and died. Oh, Mrs. Beatty, I'm so very, very sorry.
Lucille: Well, you must have the wrong Al. You've been sleeping with someone else's Al. My Al is as healthy as a horse. It can't be him! Al Beatty, from Boca Raton?
Rose: Yes.
Lucille: You're telling me Al is dead?
Rose: Yes.
Lucille: A heart attack is crazy. He was a runner. He couldn't have a heart attack. I'm talking, so it can't be true.
You know what I mean? If I keep talking, it isn't true. All I have to do is talk forever. Oh, God, Al! [Rose holds Lucille's hand] I'm all right. I'm OK. Al the big jerk. I loved him. He was a decent man, you know?
Rose: I know. He was.
Lucille: Caring.
Rose: Very.
Lucille: Special.
Rose: And it's all my fault!
Lucille: He had a heart attack. It's not your fault.
Rose: He had a heart attack with me. Mrs. Beatty, my late husband had a heart attack with me as well. They drop like flies around me!
Lucille: Mrs. Nylund, you're not responsible for the death of my husband.
Rose: I'll never date again.
Lucille: You will.
Rose: I won't. I can't.
Lucille: In time, you'll forget this.
Rose: Never.
Lucille: I promise you.
Rose: It's OK. I'll get used to being alone.
Lucille: Mrs. Nylund.
Rose: Yes?
Lucille: You've been sleeping with my husband and he's just died. See if you can pull yourself together, because in a minute, I'm going to need some comforting myself.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: All right, try this dressing and tell me what you think. It's called Creamy Zesty Italian, only has one calorie.
Dorothy: Mmm. If you ran it under the faucet, it would have more flavor.
Blanche: Shoot.
Dorothy: Honey, beware of anyone who says, "no calories," "absolutely no charge," and, "let's just lie down on the bed and watch television."

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Did you do it?
Rose: Yeah.
Blanche: And?
Rose: I'm gonna become a nun. I'm the kiss of death. It's the second time a man has died in my bed.
Blanche: The second time?
Rose: Dorothy knows.
Dorothy: Charlie.
Blanche: No!
Dorothy: Yes.
Blanche: What exactly do you do in bed, Rose?
Rose: Nothing. I do nothing.
Blanche: Well, maybe that's it. They have to do it all.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Come on, Blanche. It's not her fault. She has a perfectly normal sex life.
Blanche: Now, I knew somebody who had seven husbands and six of them died of stomach ailments. Well, they arrested her. She'd been putting ground glass in their salads.
Rose: Why?
Dorothy: Because she ran out of croutons! Because she wanted to kill them, Rose.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Come on, Rose, it'll be fun. You like square dancing.
Rose: No, thanks.
Blanche: You're only gonna be dancing with men. You can't kill them by doing that.
Rose: Nope. No more men. That's it for me.
Blanche: No more men? My God, I would die. I would just die.
Dorothy: It's not like no more food, Blanche.
Blanche: It's worse!

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: [to Rose] Honey, you sure you're gonna be all right here alone?
Sophia: She'll be fine. If someone breaks in, she'll just have to sleep with them.

Quote from Rose

Lucille: I just had to come by. You were so caring to come tell me in person what happened, that I had to do something for you.
Rose: Oh, that wasn't necessary.
Lucille: Well, I know you blame yourself for Al's death. Well, I just got the autopsy results, and they showed that Al's arteries were completely clogged. Oh, his diet was terrible. He never ate a vegetable. He lived on fatty foods. He'd have meat for dessert. You didn't kill him, Mrs. Nylund. He killed himself.
Rose: He committed suicide?
Lucille: In a manner of speaking. He'd have died whether he'd been here or not.
Rose: I'm so glad. Not that he's dead.
Lucille: I know. I just had to tell you you had nothing to do with it.
Rose: Thank you.
Lucille: And if he had to die, I'm glad he didn't die alone on the street, but here, with a caring person, doing what he liked to do best.


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