Dorothy: This reminds me of the first time I ever did this. Night of our senior prom.
Stan: Yeah, remember? It took so long to get the tie fixed, by the time we got to the drugstore, it was closed.
Dorothy: I remember. I remember.

Blanche: Look, Rose, I just hate the idea of a yard sale, but if you're really trying to get rid of your stuff, well I'll take it off your hands for, say, $50.
Rose: OK, but a deal's a deal. I don't want to hear you say you didn't get your money's worth just because something doesn't fit right or smells bad or makes strangers look at ya and giggle.
Blanche: Good God, what do you have in those boxes?
Rose: As we say in St. Olaf, "crapola in a box."

Sophia: Rose, you're a pretty sharp deal-maker. We've all underestimated you. Now, come over here. Taste this.
Rose: [o.s.] Oh!
Dorothy: Ma, stop that!

Stan: Hi, it's me, Stan.
Dorothy: Stanley, what do you want?
Stan: I want you to turn on your TV. It is almost 6:28.
Rose: What's happening at 6:28?
Stan: You're gonna find out why Stan Zbornak is now a very rich man.
Dorothy: What is it this time, Stanley? Whoopee cushions for the hearing impaired?

Sophia: Times 500 thous- Stan, you're rich!
Blanche: Oh! Congratulations.
Sophia: I know I called you a yutz in the past, but what I didn't tell you is that in Sicilian, "yutz" means "Apollo."
Dorothy: Ma, will you stop that?
Sophia: It wouldn't hurt you to learn how to kiss up.

Dorothy: Stanley, one question. If things are going so well, what is it you want?
Stan: Glad you asked, babe. I need your help. I want to export the Zbornee to Japan. Our research shows the Japanese actually hate rice, but what they hate more is burning their fingers on baked potatoes. Anyway, Dorothy, a major Japanese distributor is arriving next week. Zbornco is throwing a big reception for him. I need a date. I want you to go with me.
Dorothy: I'm sorry, Stan. There are other vegetables I'd rather go out with.

Stan: Dorothy, I need someone who's classy who can handle the rich and powerful. Someone not too obviously sexy.
Dorothy: Why don't you ask Merv Griffin?
Stan: Dorothy, look. I called every woman in my Rolodex. I'm down to the "Z"s. That means it's either you or my mother. Frankly Mom chews too loud and still calls 'em "Japs." What do you say, babe?
Dorothy: As they say in Japan, sayonara, Stanley.
Stan: That's another reason. You know the language.

Blanche: Just tell me. Is this damn bond worth anything?
Rose: Well, yes. $1,000. $1,000?
Blanche: Well, hot damn! I have 49 more of 'em.
Rose: We're rich!
Blanche: You're half right.
Rose: Blanche, you just paid $50 for those. You should split 'em.
Blanche: Split 'em? Are you kiddin'? Don't be crazy. I paid for these fair and square. You said yourself, all deals are final.
Rose: Charlie would want me to have them.
Blanche: George would want me to keep 'em. Don't try that with me, Rose Nylund. I'll match you dead husband for dead husband.

Dorothy: You are not going to believe this. I told Stan I didn't want to go. He sent me a kimono. Do you know what I would look like in a kimono?
Rose: [giggling] No. I have no idea.

Dorothy: And listen to this. "Dear Dorothy, in case you change your mind, here are three things to remember at the cocktail party. Number one, ask for more potatoes. Number two, be appalled that Joe Isuzu wasn't played by an Asian actor. And number three, under no circumstances walk on their backs. Even if they beg you and they will. I hope you'll reconsider. Have a potato day. See you later, tater. Your spuddy, Stan."