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39Quotes from ‘Once, in St. Olaf’

The Golden Girls: Once, in St. Olaf

602. Once, in St. Olaf

Aired September 29, 1990

While Sophia is in the hospital for a hernia operation, Rose meets her biological father.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: You know who my fantasy parents were?
Dorothy: Who, Blanche, Masters and Johnson?
Blanche: Not my fantasy neighbors. No, my fantasy mother was the Queen of England, and then she died and I became queen. And all the men were very happy for all the obvious reasons. And I looked cute on the money. 'Course, all the women were unhappy, but screw 'em. I was queen.

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Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Oh, where is Dr. Warren? This is insane. Where do doctors go in the middle of the night?
Blanche: Well, their call rooms are up on the 12th floor, but you have to take the back stairs to get to 'em. Unless you have that special key for the main elevator. I'm guessin'.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Blanche, it is the middle of the night. My mother is missing. I am scared to death and I'm trying to find a doctor. You'll have to excuse me if I don't have the rolling gait of a nymphomaniac.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Oh, Ma, I'm so sorry about everything. I'm sorry I asked you to move that sofa. I'm sorry that you're sick.
I swear I'll never ask you to move furniture again. Oh, God, I'm just so happy you're safe.
Sophia: Speaking of God, I made a little promise that if He got me through this operation alive, I would tell you the truth about how I got this hernia.
Dorothy: You mean, not from lifting up the sofa?
Sophia: Oh, please, it's wicker. A few of us gals thought it would be funny to put Gladys' VW on the lawn while she was having her feet sanded. And that's why I'm on this gurney, Pussycat.
Dorothy: Ma, it's OK. As long as I found you. Rose, push "Morgue."

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Oh, I am just so relieved that Ma came through that operation OK.
Blanche: Yeah, she's a tough old woman. Takes a lot more than someone like you to kill her.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Look, Rose, we don't necessarily get the parents we want. We get the ones we're dealt. You know, when I was a little kid, I got angry with my mother and father, and I imagined that I had different parents.
Blanche: Who? Who?
Dorothy: Well, it's really silly.
Blanche: Oh, come on, now. Who?
Rose: Tell us.
Dorothy: Well, my dad was Errol Flynn and my mother was Amelia Earhart. I wanted Dad all to myself.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: You know, Rose, I'm luckier than you 'cause I had a father, a wonderful father whom I loved dearly. But right now you have an opportunity I would give anything for. Just to have ten minutes more with Big Daddy. Oh, to hear that sweet old husky voice once more, "They're admittin' who to my country club?"
Rose: Aw, there's a difference, Blanche. That bigot was there for you.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Dorothy. Wait up. Will you wait a minute? You just walk so fast.
Dorothy: I am in a hurry.
Blanche: It's not sexy. Well, it's not. A woman should take little delicate steps as if to say, "Yes, I may be slower than you, but maybe I'm worth waitin' for."

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Well, now, look, Dorothy, I'm scared, too. I'm terrified. Sophia's practically my mother, too. If we don't find her, I don't know how I'm gonna respond. But I'd like to think I'm not gonna be any less sexy.
Dorothy: You're just a great big pile of estrogen, aren't you?

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Where am I? I must be dead. Is this heaven? Sal? Is that you, Sal?
Man: Sorry, ma'am. Who's Sal?
Sophia: My husband. He's been waiting for me up here for a long time. Boy, you're pretty young. What brings a guy like you up here?
Man: A lunatic. I'm a police officer. See, I was working a political rally at the Civic Center when this madman pulls out a revolver and starts blasting away from the roof. I took a bullet pulling a baby carriage out of the line of fire. How 'bout you?
Sophia: Same.

Quote from Sophia

Man: The Dow was down again today.
Woman: I told my broker to short all my high-tech holdings and put it into triple-A bonds and precious metals.
Sophia: Hey, you sound like doctors. Do you think you can find out why I was left on this elevator?
Woman: You were just left here? What's your name?
Sophia: Read it yourself, right here on the bracelet.
Woman: "Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People."
Sophia: Petrillo's the name. Sophia Petrillo. Can you get me outta here?
Woman: OK, OK. Who is your insurance company?
Sophia: Lloyd's of London. What do I look like? I'm on Medicare. [the man and woman step back]
Man: We'll tell the desk. They'll send somebody.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Rose, have you seen my mother?
Rose: Dad, these are my roommates Dorothy and Blanche.
Dorothy: Very pleased to meet you.
Blanche: Hello there.
Martin: Rose has told me all about you two. I know it's a little late for me to start acting like a father, but do you think you two could stop hitting my little girl with a newspaper?
Blanche: We'll try.
Dorothy: We'll try.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Look, you'll have to excuse us. Rose, maybe you can help. We're searching the whole hospital. We can't find my mother.
Rose: Maybe she's lost.
Martin: Attagirl, Rose. You finally got one.
Dorothy: Very nice meeting, you sir.
Blanche: Bye-bye.
Rose: Thanks, Dad.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Sophia, where've you been?
Blanche: What are you doin' on this elevator?
Sophia: I'm into easy listening. How the hell should I know?
Dorothy: What difference does it make? We found you.
Rose: Oh, what a day this has been. I found my father. You found your mother.
Blanche: And I found you can't give a sponge bath without the patient's consent.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Ever since I've been a candy striper, I've been giving all my patients the traditional St. Olaf fun pack. Each one has a pack of gum, a bar of soap and sock puppets. I like to pretend one of 'em's you and one of 'em's Dorothy. [as Blanche] Hi, Dorothy. How you feel? [as Dorothy] Oh, woe is me. I can't get a date. Nobody asks me out. Woe is me. Woe- [Dorothy hits Rose with a newspaper] Bad puppet.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Blanche, leave her alone. I'm sure she feels bad enough.
Dorothy: Thank you, Rose. Honey, do we have any orange juice?
Rose: Sure. Would you like me to pour you a glass or have Sophia come in and bring you the refrigerator?

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Pussycat, I moved that safe to the attic like you asked me to. Can I have food now?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, you know I'm not giving you food, because you're not supposed to eat or drink anything the day of an operation.
Sophia: I'm not going to any hospital.
Rose: Sophia, I'm working on the admitting desk. Does that make it less scary?
Sophia: Oh, sure. In that case I'll get a boob job, too.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Sophia, don't worry. You made the right decision. I was gonna give you this when you got to the hospital, but I'm too excited. Here's your St. Olaf fun pack.
Sophia: Thanks. All right, I'm going. Here, Dorothy, you throw this out. I'll push the car around the front.

Quote from Rose

Rose: OK, let's just fill out these forms. Your name?
Martin: Brother Martin.
Rose: Occupation?
Martin: I'm a monk.
Rose: Oh, good. I almost wrote down "Trekkie." What brings you to the hospital, Brother Martin?
Martin: Well, I don't enjoy talking about it, but I hurt my knee dancing in my room. Excuse me, but do I know you? You look awfully familiar.
Rose: I get that a lot. People say I look like Wilma Flintstone. Not when she was on the air. More the way she looks today.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Oh, God.
Dorothy: What's wrong, Blanche?
Blanche: Oh, there's a very handsome doctor coming this way. Dorothy, listen, if he walks by, just pretend we're having a conversation and casually mention my unparalleled ability to satisfy a man.
Dorothy: What, you don't think he's read the men's room wall?

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Oh, I'm sorry. I-I was distracted. You're not going to believe it. I just met my father, my natural father.
Blanche: He's alive?
Dorothy: He's in Miami?
Sophia: He's an earthling?


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