Dorothy: I can't believe it. One beer. One beer in high school, and my life is ruined. He's trying to buy my love. He's trying to buy my kid's love. If I had a dollar for every time Stan has screwed up our lives-
Sophia: Here you go, Pussycat.
Dorothy: Ma, where did you get that money?
Sophia: Stan gave it to me.
Dorothy: Ma, he's trying to buy your love.
Sophia: I'm sellin' it.

Sophia: Oh, Stanley, how nice of you to stop by. Bring me anything?
Stan: Of course. Now, who's my gorgeous gray-haired gal?
Sophia: It's me, isn't it, Stan?
Stan: You're right.
Sophia: Wow, a Game Boy! Very nice.
Stan: It sure is. Now, who's your favorite fella? Sophia, who's your favorite- Sophia.
Sophia: Yeah, yeah. Later.

Dorothy: Look, I don't want your car. I don't want your money. I don't even want to talk to you, much less go to that ridiculous reception. So why don't you just take a hint and go away?
Stan: Just a minute, Dorothy. I am sick and tired of being dumped on by you. Yes, I screwed up our marriage. We all know that. But I wasn't a yutz for all of those years. There were some pretty good times before things went wrong.
Dorothy: Until I found out about them.
Stan: Old news, Dorothy. This time I came up a winner. Things have changed.
Sophia: Hey, Stan, I'm her legal guardian. We'll take the car.
Dorothy: Stanley, I think you'd better leave.
Stan: I thought I could make up for some mistakes, but you won't let me. You have an image of what a Stan Zbornak is. And no matter how he's changed, you'll never see a new man. Don't worry. Won't bother you with any gifts anymore. In fact, from now on, I won't bother you at all.

Sophia: Hey, Stan, could I be "POTHEAD"?

Blanche: Oh, Sophia, no bingo tonight?
Sophia: I'm staying home, trying to recapture my lost youth. I see you haven't got it.

Sophia: You know, today I saw something that shook up everything I ever believed in. Stan Zbornak with a backbone.
Rose: Oh, it really was a surprise.
Blanche: It's Dorothy who has me worried. She just looked so confused.
Sophia: I can't figure out her problem.

Sophia: Pussycat, what's so terrible about accepting a present from Stan? God knows he gave us all plenty of misery.
Rose: Maybe he's trying to tell you he's sorry.
Dorothy: I have to admit, Stan was pretty amazing today. Did you see the way he stood up for himself? I mean, this is not the same guy who screamed, "Paint my toenails! We've just invaded Korea!" It was kind of attractive. Oh, but I don't know. It's so hard to trust him.

Rose: This whole St. Olaf problem is my fault. I can't believe I forgot I had those bonds. How could I be so stupid?
Dorothy: Maybe it was something you ate. Like food.

Dorothy: Oh, come on, honey, you're getting worked up over nothing. I mean, Blanche is petty and selfish, but I don't think she would actually bankrupt a whole town.
Blanche: God, I look good in diamonds. Say hello to my four new best friends.
Rose: Hello.
Blanche: They're just on loan from the jeweler until I decide which one I want to keep. You know, the good thing about me is, although I am petite, I can carry a large stone.
Rose: Blanche, don't you even care about these people at all?
Blanche: Of course I do, darling. But just look at how these catch the light.

Rose: Blanche, thank you. On behalf of the people of St. Olaf, I'd like to do a thank-you dance. I'll need a pot and a sheet, a rubber band and a spoon.
Dorothy: Making a drum?
Rose: I guess you could.