Rose: That's a St. Olaf war bond. Charlie bought us those in '42. I didn't realize I still had those.
Blanche: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that St. Olaf printed its own war bonds?
Rose: Yes. Oh, we were very patriotic. In late '42, we wanted to fund the development of a top-secret weapon that we were sure would end the war. Attack cows.
Blanche: Take me now, Lord.
Rose: No one expects trouble from a cow. The plan was, we would drop these highly trained killer cows behind the enemy lines. It wasn't till they were airborne that we realized a cow can't pull a rip cord. Well, the project wasn't a total failure. If there's one thing the Germans hate, it's a mess.

Rose: I know what it's like to trust somebody who's betrayed you. You're not gonna believe this, but I have a St.
Olaf story about this.
Dorothy: I believe you. I just hate you.
Rose: Well, Gunilla Bjorndunker, St. Olaf's tallest woman - of course, nobody ever made fun of her for that. Anyway, when Old Space Needle was in high school she drank some cherry herring and made love in the backseat of a Fjord Fjairlane. Local car. And she got in trouble, if you know what I mean, Dorothy. Knukendup und schvingle.
Sophia: She knows what you mean.
Rose: Anyway, her boyfriend, Yutz Hernsberg, St. Olaf's only bald high school student, had to marry her.
Blanche: But why would she marry a guy like that?
Dorothy: Because I was young. I- I'm sorry- I'm sorry, Rose. This is your story. Go- Go on. Go on.
Rose: Well, anyway, after 38 years of marriage and a painful divorce, he finally came back, having invented Hernsberg's Press-on Warts.
Dorothy: Who bought those?
Rose: Hags, mostly. Don't you see? He was successful and he wanted Gunilla back.
Dorothy: Well, what happened to her, Rose?
Rose: Skylab fell on her.
Dorothy: What is the point of this story?!
Rose: Be thankful for your health.

Sophia: Here, Pussycat, taste this.
Dorothy: Ooh! Ma! [groans]
Sophia: "Bring to a near boil." Perfect.
Dorothy: Ma, I could've burned my lips! What are you doing?
Sophia: My eyesight is going, so I like a prank I can hear.

Blanche: Rose Nylund, what is that giant velvet painting of dogs playing poker doing out on my front lawn?
Rose: Intriguing passersby, if I know my art lovers.
Blanche: And the clothes and the trunk and the boxes? You're not havin' a yard sale, are you?
Rose: What's wrong with that?
Blanche: Are you kidding? I don't want to have to deal with four hundred people in Simpsons T-shirts trying to knock 25 cents off your "I lost my ass in Vegas" cup.

Stan: It's not a novelty. It's a Zbornee.
Rose: What's a Zbornee?
Dorothy: I put up with it for 38 years, Rose. You don't want to know.
Stan: It's not that, Dorothy. I just used the same name.

Stan: [on T.V.] Hi! It's me, Stan Zbornak, and you may be wondering why I'm dressed like a potato.
Dorothy: That's what's different.
Stan: [on T.V.] It's because I've invented the Zbornee, America's first baked-potato opener. Now you can open potatoes without burning your fingers.
Rose: No! It can't be done!
Stan: [on T.V.] It can be done, and for only 12.95. Over half a million Zbornees have already been sold. Call this toll-free number now. Remember, with the Zbornee, [mouthing with TV] a day without potatoes is unnecessary. [in person] That's my line.
Rose: [on the phone] Hi, I'd like to order the Zbornee.

Dorothy: Now, look, we cannot go on living like this with Blanche and Rose not speaking to each other. So whatever the results of the secret ballot, we go with it. No more arguments. Agreed?
Blanche: All right. Yes, yes.
Dorothy: OK, here we go. "Split the money." "Let Blanche keep it." "Give it to the old lady."
Sophia: Yes!
Dorothy: "Split the money." Well, Blanche, looks like the splits have it.
Blanche: Big Daddy was right. Women should not be allowed to vote.
Sophia: Blanche, if it's any consolation, when I wrote down "Give it to the old lady," I did mean you.

Dorothy: Stanley, I want to talk about these gifts.
Stan: No need, babe. Did you think the old stickman could hit the jackpot and not share with his very best used-to-be? Let me show you something. Come on. Pour vous, mon ex.
Blanche: Oh, a new convertible!
Rose: Oh, it's gorgeous.
Dorothy: Stan, I am not driving around with license plates that say "POTHEAD."
Stan: It's an abbreviation. I didn't have room for the whole "potato head."

Blanche: Did you call St. Olaf? What do we have to do to cash the bonds?
Rose: I'm not gonna beat around the bush. I'm gonna tell you straight out. Once upon a time, there was an ant and a grasshopper-
Blanche: Oh, my God. They're not gonna redeem the bonds.
Rose: Oh, they want to, but the city would have to liquidate all its assets. St. Olaf would be bankrupt.
Blanche: And this affects me how?
Rose: Don't you understand? If we take that money, there won't be any left for the police cars and the fire trucks and the children's Cheese Museum.
Blanche: You have a museum where children go to look at cheese?
Rose: Hey, it beats learning about it in the streets.

Dorothy: You know, maybe you should sit down and think about the pros and cons. Whenever I don't know what to do, I make a list.
Rose: I think making a pro-and-con list is a wonderful idea. Here. It'll help you know the right thing to do.
Blanche: All right, let's see. Pro, cashing the bonds. I get stuff. Con, St. Olaf, a small town, faces financial ruin. Well, that doesn't help clear anything up.
Dorothy: Wait a minute, Blanche. There's another con. This is wrong. Now, come on, we're family. We always stick together. We may not always get along, but we've always been there when we've needed each other. Now, look. This is important to Rose, and I think we need to stand behind her. I mean, you're taking away a part of her, her home. Granted, it's the cradle of idiocy.
Rose: I have a frog buried there.