Rose: I once had an Uncle Jake. But of course, he could never cook. He also could never get through our family 4th of July picnics without unzipping his overalls.

Jake: Well, what do you think isn't this romantic?
Blanche: Oh, yes, it certainly is. If you happen to be Popeye.

Blanche: Are you sure this is really the best table in the house?
Jake: Did you get a splinter when you sat down?
Blanche: No.
Jake: Then this is the best table in the house.
Blanche: You're pulling my leg.
Jake: No, but I'd like to.
Blanche: Stop being naughty!
Jake: I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.
Blanche: Neither did I. Be naughty again!

Jake: Blanche, you are one hell of a woman.
Blanche: I know. Go on.
Jake: Well, I've been just about everywhere there is, but in all my years in the Navy I've never met anybody like you.
Blanche: Well, in all my years of dating the Navy, I've never met anybody like you. Erm, Jake, is it my imagination, or is there a tattoo in the shape of a nose on your arm?
Jake: Yeah. I got that when I first joined the Navy back in '51. I was just a kid. I was drunk out of my mind. Unfortunately, so was the guy who gave me the tattoo. I asked for a rose, he thought I said a "nose".

Mr. Hinkley: And now, for my next number, I'll play something by one of my favorites and, I hope, one of yours. Huey Lewis And The News!
Rose: Er, I think we've heard enough, Mr. Hinkley.
Mr. Hinkley: OK. We go right to the big finale.
Dorothy: I'm afraid we're out of time.
Mr. Hinkley: But it's a real show-stopper. I hold up two lit sparklers with my hands, and play "Hey, Look Me Over" with my feet.
Dorothy: While smoking a cigarette?
Mr. Hinkley: No.
Dorothy: Darn. You were this close. Goodbye.

Jake: Please, honey. Don't be mad. I'll make it up to you, I promise you. What do you say l pack a picnic basket and we'll drive down to the beach? I'll spread a blanket on the sand, underneath the stars, take you in my arms...
Dorothy: I forgive you. I mean... I mean Blanche should forgive you.
Blanche: Oh, alright. I forgive you. But forget the picnic. I'll get us that blanket.

Rose: He's a wonderful man.
Dorothy: Oh, I know. Why can't I ever attract men like that?
Sophia: You can, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma. Ma, you really think so?
Sophia: No, but you think I'm gonna tell you that? I'm your mother.

Rose: Girls, I am so excited! We have a band.
Dorothy: You hired somebody?
Rose: Yep, The Great Pretenders. It's an all-female jazz band. They're supposed to be fantastic. Well, now it's going to be a good party! Oh, it's too bad you couldn't find a better date than Harvey.
Dorothy: Well, I certainly wouldn't brag about my date, if I were you. Incidentally, is Walter renting that blue tuxedo again?
Rose: Walter never rented a blue tuxedo, and you know it. He owns that blue tuxedo.

Blanche: Dorothy, what kind of guy would you like the second time around?
Dorothy: [sighs] Somebody to get old with.
Rose: Oh, you can do that by yourself.
Dorothy: I'm aware of that, Rose. Stan didn't want to get old. No, I'd like someone to sit on the porch with, hold hands, listen to the birds, watch the grass grow.

Dorothy: Rose, there is something very odd about that all-female jazz band.
Rose: What?
Dorothy: They're all men.
Rose: I just thought they were really ugly women. What are we going to do?
Dorothy: Nothing. They sound great. If we pretend nothing is wrong, maybe no-one will notice.
Sophia: Hey, did you get a load of those queens on the bandstand?
Dorothy: Keep your voice down.
Sophia: What for? You think they don't know they're queens?