Blanche: You are filthy!
Jake: I'm sorry, honey. I stopped to help a lady who was stranded by the side of the road, and I ended up fixing her transmission.
Blanche: Aren't there people who do that for a living?
Rose: Andy Granatelli does. Although he doesn't actually fix them himself. I guess he doesn't want to get his trench-coat dirty. But I hear he has this special school in Wisconsin. I know... "Shut up, Rose."

Dorothy: Ma, are you sure you mailed all the invitations? None of the Gs through the Ls has responded.
Sophia: Of course I did. They were in a shoebox I took to the post office last week. Unless...
Dorothy: Unless what?
Sophia: Unless I sent my best pair of heels overnight mail.
Dorothy: Ma, this is terrible!
Sophia: You're telling me. Now I don't have shoes for the party.

Rose: I guess everybody's a little jumpy about the banquet.
Dorothy: Except Blanche. You know, she could at least have the good taste to pretend she can't sleep.
Rose: She's probably nervous about running into Jake. You know, sometimes, when people are under pressure, they sleep to escape.
Sophia: Dorothy's father used to do that. Unfortunately, it was usually during foreplay.
Dorothy: Ma, the man is dead.
Sophia: Longer than you think.

Dorothy: Come on, Blanche. What are you looking for?
Blanche: I don't know. I just know it's not Jake. But I'm not going to let that discourage me from finding my Mr. Right. And I'm not going to compromise my standards, either. I am simply going to look high and low, far and wide, and never lose heart, for I know one day my prince will come.
Dorothy: Now, what was that supposed to mean?
Sophia: I wasn't paying close attention, but from what I could make of it, she's gonna sleep with that little black guy, Prince.

Dorothy: Congratulations, Blanche.
Hunter McCoy: I think much of the credit goes to the food. It's original yet familiar, piquant yet comforting. Blanche tells me she worked very closely with the caterer.
Sophia: Did she tell you they were naked most of the time?
Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother. She was a witness to the Hindenburg disaster.

Rose: Oh, but I did learn that baked Alaska can actually be cooked locally.
Dorothy: Rose, I have an even bigger scoop for you. Mars bars are made right here on earth.

Dorothy: So, er tell me, Jake. Uh, how much do you think these meals will cost?
Jake: Well, that depends, do you want something simple or fancy?
Dorothy: We want something cheap.
Jake: I admire your honesty.
Dorothy: I admire your chest.

Rose: Wow! What a hunk!
Blanche: I know. Eat your hearts out!
Dorothy: Blanche, did it ever occur to you that Rose or I might be interested in Jake?
Blanche: Yes.
Rose: And you still used every cheap ploy to nab him before we had a chance?
Blanche: Yes.
Dorothy: Then what do you have to say for yourself?
Blanche: Damn, I'm good.

Blanche: Oh, girls, this time I have really done it. Thanks to me, the hospital charity banquet is going to be held in the Versailles room of the Bedford Hotel!
Dorothy: Blanche, the Committee is on a budget.
Blanche: I know it, don't worry I worked out a special deal.
Rose: But we can't afford that room.
Blanche: I know it, but don't worry I worked out a special deal. I told the manager, if he'd let us have that room, I would persuade my sister to sing for free in his piano bar.
Rose: You mean your sister Virginia?
Blanche: No, my sister Miss Susan Anton.
Dorothy: Blanche, how could you tell such a lie?
Blanche: He didn't believe me for a minute. He told me I was much too attractive to be related to her. But he gave us the room anyhow, 'cause he said he liked my moxie.
Sophia: And I bet you liked showing it to him.

Blanche: Blanche Devereaux. I am Chairman of the Planning Committee. So, Mr. Smollens, could you tell us a little something about your background?
Jake: Well, I've been running VIP Catering for five years. Before that I was a cook in the Navy for 25 years. I can cook beef for 1,500 or Chateaubriand for two.
Blanche: No, Mr. Smollens, what I meant was, are you married?
Jake: No, I'm not, and please, call me Jake.