Rose: I understand what you went through, Dorothy. I remember how I felt when I thought Charlie was cheating on me.
Blanche: Charlie?
Rose: We'd been married for 18 years. And up until then, everything had seemed so perfect. Then one night it happened. He came home, had dinner, walked upstairs and went to sleep. I went in the bathroom and cried my eyes out.
Dorothy: Rose, I don't want to encourage long stories, but it seems in this story you left out the...
Blanche: The story.
Dorothy: That's the word.
Rose: Well, Charlie went right to sleep. We didn't, well, you know...
Blanche: Oh, and he'd promised?
Rose: No! It's just that that was the first time that had ever happened in 18 years of married life.
Blanche: Get out of here.
Dorothy: You mean to say that every night without fail for 18 years, you and Charlie...
Rose: Yeah, of course. Right after dinner.
Blanche: Well, no wonder you never heard of I Love Lucy.
Rose: Of course, as it turned out, I was just overreacting. I mean, it was a freak, one-time thing. By the next morning, everything was back to normal.
Blanche: By morning? You mean to tell me, that every morning?
Rose: Charlie said that's why we didn't have headaches and we both had really shiny hair.
Blanche: Listen, Rose, no offense, but I find that story a little hard to believe. You don't even like to talk about sex.
Rose: Well, it's been my experience that people who talk about it a lot don't do it very often.
Blanche: Coffee, anyone?

Stan: I'll be honest with you Kate, I never liked him. From the moment that worm slithered into your live, I knew he was no good. What kind of a man has so little respect for the institution of marriage that he can cheat on a wonderful woman and jump into bed with the first available bimbo who comes along?
Dorothy: But enough about you, Stanley.

Blanche: Oh, that last episode of I Love Lucy was hilarious.
Rose: It sure was. I never realized you could have that much fun staying up all night.
Blanche: Oh? Not even with Charlie?
Rose: Oh, we never stayed up all night. Just seven till midnight every night and and five to seven every morning. And, of course, till noon on Sundays.
Blanche: Good Lord, no wonder you still mourn that man.

Dorothy: Oh, Blanche. Blanche, why do they do it? Why do men do it and think they can get away with it?
Blanche: Same reason a dog licks himself, Dorothy. Because he can.

Dorothy: I can't believe you'd show your face here after what you've done. Dennis, I think you should be leaving.
Dennis: Mother Dorothy.
Dorothy: And please do not call me Mother Dorothy. I hate it when you call me Mother Dorothy. I feel I should be handing out rice on the streets of Calcutta.

Dorothy: Dennis, I want to speak with you.
Kate: Mother.
Dennis: It's alright, Kate.
Dorothy: [to Stan] Is your name Dennis?
Stan: Hey, I want to be there. I have a right to be there.
Dorothy: One sperm with a sense of direction and I'm pay for it for the rest of my life.

Dorothy: Well, I won't have time with my daughter coming tonight. We're gonna spend all our time talking about the- Nothing.
Blanche: Nothing? What's the nothing?
Dorothy: The nothing is a nothing. I mean, if it were something, I'd call it something. Besides, there are more important things to talk about. Is that rumaki?
Rose: Dorothy, you're keeping a secret from us. I can't believe it. I tell you everything. I told you a secret last night.
Dorothy: What, that you're not a natural blonde?
Rose: I am a natural blonde.
Dorothy: Right, Rose. You and Tina Turner.

Sophia: Anyway, it was the night of your first anniversary. You showed up at my house at two o'clock in the morning, crying and carrying on. You looked like hell. You told me you had cooked an anniversary dinner for Stan. He came home late, he didn't have a gift and there was lipstick on his shirt. You kept saying to me, "Ma, what should I do?" Remember what I told you?
Dorothy: Yeah.
Sophia: Thank God. What was it? I forgot.
Dorothy: You said that if you could erase this one day, is this still the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Sophia: And you said yes. And I thought to myself, "Idiot", but I kept my mouth shut. I knew this was a decision you had to make.
Dorothy: So you're saying I should stay out of this mess between Kate and Dennis?
Sophia: I said it. I used it in a story. What do you want me to do, embroider it on your underwear? Just stay out of it!
Dorothy: I don't know if I can do that.
Sophia: Then you're gonna lose Kate. And someday, someday Stan is gonna call you up and tell you you have a grandchild who you're never gonna see.
Dorothy: Good night, Ma.
Sophia: Not tonight, Cesar. I'm not in the mood anymore.

Blanche: Rose, there's an I Love Lucy marathon on tonight. You wanna stay up and watch it with me?
Rose: That sounds great. Who's in it?
Blanche: Who's in it? Um,. Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz. The Ricardos and Mertzes. Oh, don't tell me you never saw I Love Lucy.
Rose: No. I never watched much TV until I moved in here. I mean, Charlie and I never had a TV. We talked about getting one, but Charlie said it wasn't perfected yet.
Blanche: It sounds like to me old Charlie was a little on the cheap side.
Rose: [laughs] I'll say. Oh, Charlie was a wonderful man, but he could squeeze a nickel till the buffalo pooped.
Sophia: Boy, I'll tell you, there's something to the power of suggestion. Excuse me.

Dorothy: Oh, that's Kate. Oh, oh, I am so nervous all of a sudden. Of course, I am also very excited. I mean, I have dreamed about this moment all my life. [opens door] Oh, honey.
Stan: Darling.
Dorothy: [slams door] Is it my imagination, or was that my ex-husband Stanley? [opens door]
Stan: Dorothy, it's me, your ex-husband Stan.
Dorothy: Excuse me. With that new toupee I thought you were Ted Danson.
Stan: I just got it today. It hasn't had time to settle.