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‘Son-in-Law Dearest’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Son-in-Law Dearest

223. Son-in-Law Dearest

Aired March 28, 1987

When her daughter, Kate, reveals she left her husband after he cheated on her, it dredges up painful memories for Dorothy.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: I'll be honest with you Kate, I never liked him. From the moment that worm slithered into your live, I knew he was no good. What kind of a man has so little respect for the institution of marriage that he can cheat on a wonderful woman and jump into bed with the first available bimbo who comes along?
Dorothy: But enough about you, Stanley.

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Quote from Rose

Rose: I understand what you went through, Dorothy. I remember how I felt when I thought Charlie was cheating on me.
Blanche: Charlie?
Rose: We'd been married for 18 years. And up until then, everything had seemed so perfect. Then one night it happened. He came home, had dinner, walked upstairs and went to sleep. I went in the bathroom and cried my eyes out.
Dorothy: Rose, I don't want to encourage long stories, but it seems in this story you left out the...
Blanche: The story.
Dorothy: That's the word.
Rose: Well, Charlie went right to sleep. We didn't, well, you know...
Blanche: Oh, and he'd promised?
Rose: No! It's just that that was the first time that had ever happened in 18 years of married life.
Blanche: Get out of here.
Dorothy: You mean to say that every night without fail for 18 years, you and Charlie...
Rose: Yeah, of course. Right after dinner.
Blanche: Well, no wonder you never heard of I Love Lucy.
Rose: Of course, as it turned out, I was just overreacting. I mean, it was a freak, one-time thing. By the next morning, everything was back to normal.
Blanche: By morning? You mean to tell me, that every morning?
Rose: Charlie said that's why we didn't have headaches and we both had really shiny hair.
Blanche: Listen, Rose, no offense, but I find that story a little hard to believe. You don't even like to talk about sex.
Rose: Well, it's been my experience that people who talk about it a lot don't do it very often.
Blanche: Coffee, anyone?

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Oh, that last episode of I Love Lucy was hilarious.
Rose: It sure was. I never realized you could have that much fun staying up all night.
Blanche: Oh? Not even with Charlie?
Rose: Oh, we never stayed up all night. Just seven till midnight every night and and five to seven every morning. And, of course, till noon on Sundays.
Blanche: Good Lord, no wonder you still mourn that man.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Oh, Blanche. Blanche, why do they do it? Why do men do it and think they can get away with it?
Blanche: Same reason a dog licks himself, Dorothy. Because he can.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I can't believe you'd show your face here after what you've done. Dennis, I think you should be leaving.
Dennis: Mother Dorothy.
Dorothy: And please do not call me Mother Dorothy. I hate it when you call me Mother Dorothy. I feel I should be handing out rice on the streets of Calcutta.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Dennis, I want to speak with you.
Kate: Mother.
Dennis: It's alright, Kate.
Dorothy: [to Stan] Is your name Dennis?
Stan: Hey, I want to be there. I have a right to be there.
Dorothy: One sperm with a sense of direction and I'm pay for it for the rest of my life.

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Rose, there's an I Love Lucy marathon on tonight. You wanna stay up and watch it with me?
Rose: That sounds great. Who's in it?
Blanche: Who's in it? Um,. Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz. The Ricardos and Mertzes. Oh, don't tell me you never saw I Love Lucy.
Rose: No. I never watched much TV until I moved in here. I mean, Charlie and I never had a TV. We talked about getting one, but Charlie said it wasn't perfected yet.
Blanche: It sounds like to me old Charlie was a little on the cheap side.
Rose: [laughs] I'll say. Oh, Charlie was a wonderful man, but he could squeeze a nickel till the buffalo pooped.
Sophia: Boy, I'll tell you, there's something to the power of suggestion. Excuse me.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Well, I won't have time with my daughter coming tonight. We're gonna spend all our time talking about the- Nothing.
Blanche: Nothing? What's the nothing?
Dorothy: The nothing is a nothing. I mean, if it were something, I'd call it something. Besides, there are more important things to talk about. Is that rumaki?
Rose: Dorothy, you're keeping a secret from us. I can't believe it. I tell you everything. I told you a secret last night.
Dorothy: What, that you're not a natural blonde?
Rose: I am a natural blonde.
Dorothy: Right, Rose. You and Tina Turner.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Oh, that's Kate. Oh, oh, I am so nervous all of a sudden. Of course, I am also very excited. I mean, I have dreamed about this moment all my life. [opens door] Oh, honey.
Stan: Darling.
Dorothy: [slams door] Is it my imagination, or was that my ex-husband Stanley? [opens door]
Stan: Dorothy, it's me, your ex-husband Stan.
Dorothy: Excuse me. With that new toupee I thought you were Ted Danson.
Stan: I just got it today. It hasn't had time to settle.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: I can't believe it. I am going to be a grandfather. Think about it. Part of me is going to be passed on to that child.
Dorothy: I'm sure we'll learn to love it anyway.

Quote from Dorothy

Kate: We had no problems, Mom. That's why this was all such a shock.
Stan: Not even in bed?
Dorothy: Oh, Stanley.
Stan: Hey, I'm just trying to help. The fact is, the reason most men cheat on their wives is because what they have under the sheets at home is less than satisfying.
Dorothy: Oh, really, Mr. 30 Seconds?

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: How are you feeling, kitten?
Kate: Fine, Grandma.
Sophia: You're full of it, but that's okay. A brave front is the first step back. I think Bertrand Russell said that. Or was it Nipsey Russell? I get them confused, they're both so witty.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: You know, I'm still a little confused. Now, who exactly is Ricky?
Blanche: Lucy's husband.
Rose: I thought Desi was Lucy's husband.
Blanche: Not on the show.
Rose: Desi wasn't on the show?
Blanche: Desi played Ricky.
Rose: Who did Lucy play?
Blanche: Lucy.
Rose: I know. But who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy.
Rose: Right. But who did she play?
Blanche: Lucy played Lucy.
Rose: Well, then, why didn't Desi play Desi?
Blanche: He wasn't tall enough.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I have never seen Kate so upset and I am a wreck myself. I feel like this has whole thing has happened to me. Like I am the one who had my guts wrenched out and my heart stomped on.
[Blanche and Rose laugh at the TV]
Dorothy: Thank you for all your support.
Rose: Oh, I'm sorry, Dorothy. It's just that Lucy doesn't know that that's really Fred dressed up as a burglar.
Dorothy: I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was more important.
[Blanche and Rose laugh at the TV again]
Dorothy: Rose, Blanche, this is the part where my good friends are supposed to shut off the TV and run after me. So either shut off the TV or I'm going to hurl it through the window. Thank you. I'm touched.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Oh, I remember when Stanley told me he that was having an affair. It was at least 24 hours before I cut the crotches out of all of his slacks.
Blanche: You didn't.
Dorothy: Well, I was teaching English Lit at the time. Symbolism was my life.

Quote from Blanche

Dennis: Where is Kate?
Blanche: She's not here.
Dennis: She said she was coming here.
Blanche: She left.
Dennis: Where did she go?
Blanche: To meet with Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan and Marlo Thomas. They're going to drink white wine spritzers and try to figure out how to fry your wandering male behind.

Quote from Dorothy

Kate: Dennis explained everything.
Dorothy: Explained? Explained what? How he did it? I explained that to you when you were 12.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Alright. What did you and Kate have a fight about?
Dorothy: About advertising condoms on TV. About Dennis. I mean, I can't believe that she would go back to him. I told her it was a big mistake.
Sophia: Who's asking you what you think? It's none of your business.
Dorothy: Kate came to me.
Sophia: She came to you to listen. Not tell her how to run her life. You should have stayed out of it.
Dorothy: I don't know what to do.
Sophia: Alright, alright. Sit. Listen. Learn. Picture this. Brooklyn, July, 1949.
Dorothy: Ma, can't you put a sentence together? You sound like a sportscaster.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Anyway, it was the night of your first anniversary. You showed up at my house at two o'clock in the morning, crying and carrying on. You looked like hell. You told me you had cooked an anniversary dinner for Stan. He came home late, he didn't have a gift and there was lipstick on his shirt. You kept saying to me, "Ma, what should I do?" Remember what I told you?
Dorothy: Yeah.
Sophia: Thank God. What was it? I forgot.
Dorothy: You said that if you could erase this one day, is this still the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Sophia: And you said yes. And I thought to myself, "Idiot", but I kept my mouth shut. I knew this was a decision you had to make.
Dorothy: So you're saying I should stay out of this mess between Kate and Dennis?
Sophia: I said it. I used it in a story. What do you want me to do, embroider it on your underwear? Just stay out of it!
Dorothy: I don't know if I can do that.
Sophia: Then you're gonna lose Kate. And someday, someday Stan is gonna call you up and tell you you have a grandchild who you're never gonna see.
Dorothy: Good night, Ma.
Sophia: Not tonight, Cesar. I'm not in the mood anymore.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Please, Dennis. I just want you to listen. Yesterday, Kate came to me, crying. She was more hurt than I had ever seen her before.
Dennis: Look, Dorothy-
Dorothy: Please. Please. I want you to understand what that does to a parent. Seeing your child hurt is worse than any pain you can possibly feel yourself. When they're little, you protect them from the bullies on the playground, and then later you suffer with them through acne and puppy love.
Stan: Then the first date. Then the first time alone in a car. Finally, they meet someone who will love them and take care of them and they don't need you anymore. You're not too thrilled about that, but you get used to it.
Dorothy: And then something happens and you find out there's still bullies on the playground. And all the old instincts come back. And that's what happened to me yesterday. I know you and Kate have made up, but I still have the same feelings. Do you understand?
Dennis: Yes, I do. I did a very stupid thing and it can't be undone. But I'm going to do everything I can to make it up to Kate. I love her. And I promise you that nothing like this will happen again.
Dorothy: Good. Good. [holding Dennis's hand] Because if it does, I will break every bone in your hand. You'll spend the rest of your life selling newspapers out of a wagon.
Stan: Keep it zipped, buddy. She's not kidding.

Quote from Dorothy

Stan: Well, I guess I'll be going, too. You know, Dorothy, out on the lanai out there, it was like old times. You and me, a team, united. Partners. It felt pretty good, didn't it?
Dorothy: It sure did.
Stan: Where did it go wrong, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh... Who knows? These things happen. [Dorothy hugs Stan]
Stan: Oh, I remember. I wasn't happy at home under the sheets. Dorothy, you're hurting me. I mean it. You're really hurting me.


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