Blanche: Oh! A person cannot open a letter anymore without being accosted by some vile, disgusting thing! I thought it was against the law to send filth like this through the mail.
Dorothy: Oh, no. What is it, Blanche?
Blanche: A letter from the IRS. I am being audited!
Dorothy: It's aggravating, yes, but you don't have anything to be worried about. Do you?
Blanche: Well, of course not. But you know how nitpicky they can be if you forget to dot an i or you don't declare the tiniest little thing they can blow it all out of proportion.
Dorothy: What didn't you declare, Blanche?
Blanche: You.
Dorothy: Me?
Blanche: And Rose and Sophia.

Blanche: What else is on your list, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Uh I wanted to entertain people.
Blanche: Oh! You, an entertainer?
Dorothy: Well, yes. I was in the drama club. I was also voted the most humorous girl in my class.
Sophia: She went to a special school for the dull.

Rose: I have a plan.
Blanche: What is your plan?
Rose: His dog died.
Blanche: That your plan?
Rose: No. I'm gonna replace his dog.
Dorothy: Rose, you don't even like bringing me my slippers.

Rose: No, I'm gonna get him a new pet to replace his. His dog lifted his leg on an electric fence. Poor Sparky. To show him how sorry I am, I'm gonna go to the pound and get him another pet.

Blanche: If there's something you're aching to do, then you simply have to do it. Remember when we went to amateur night at the Comedy Barrel? You've got to be as good as some of those people.
Dorothy: I couldn't. I'd be up there sweating bullets.
Sophia: And dodging some.

Dorothy: What if I die out there?
Sophia: Oh, who cares if you stink. Who cares if nobody laughs. Who cares if you make a fool of yourself.
Dorothy: I care.
Sophia: Then you got problems.

Roger: Now, here's Buster back.
Rose: You told me you were an animal lover. I thought maybe I could replace your loss.
Roger: Well, I didn't need a replacement. You see, I had my parakeet. Or I used to have him until you sent that cat from hell into our lives.
Rose: You don't mean?
Roger: Yeah, I don't think you're gonna have to feed Buster for a while. Goodbye, Rose. And when you see me at work, don't say good morning, don't leave me those cheery notes, and please don't put on those little puppet shows over the partition. In fact, don't ever think of me again.

Sophia: Oh! Whose cat is this?
Rose: I got it at the pound for somebody, and now they don't want him.
Sophia: I was talking to Sarah Antonelli the other day. She's got a cellar full of mice and she needs a cat. You think this guy's got the killer instinct?
Rose: Oh, I think so. Please take him, Sophia. His name is Buster.
Sophia: He sure is cute. I love the way he's got that jaunty yellow feather behind his ear.

Dorothy: Let me try this out on you.
Sophia: OK, make me laugh.
Dorothy: All right. Here we go. It seems there was this doctor-
Sophia: "It seems" there was? What is this, existentialist humor? Was there a doctor, or wasn't there?
Dorothy: Yes. Yes, there was this doctor. He's sitting in the park.
Sophia: What time of year is it?
Dorothy: What difference does it make?
Sophia: You have to set the scene.
Dorothy: Who is telling this joke?
Sophia: At the moment, nobody.

Dorothy: Ma, it would be very nice if you could be supportive.
Sophia: Please. I've always been supportive. Remember when you wanted to run away to Canada so you wouldn't get drafted?
Dorothy: Ma, that was my brother Phil.
Sophia: Oh, yeah. I got confused. He was wearing your dress.