Dorothy: Oh, Ma, look at this. A list I made of things I wanted to do with my life.
Blanche: You know, I had a list like that, and I've done most of 'em. Except for Burt Lancaster.

Blanche: Dorothy, tell me something else that's on your list. An entertainer! [laughing]
Dorothy: Entertaining people, getting my masters, and I wanted to sleep with Michael Delvecchio.
Blanche: Wait a minute. Michael Delvecchio? Is he tall with black hair, has a mole on his cheek, sells insurance in New York City?
Dorothy: Yes!
Blanche: You didn't miss much.

Rose: You know Roger Barton, the man who works in the cubicle next to me? He doesn't like me. Everybody's always liked me.
Blanche: Honey, maybe your chemistry's just off. Everybody doesn't have to like you.
Rose: Oh, yes, they do. Dorothy, you're the smart one. Blanche, you're the sexy one. And Sophia, you're the old one. I'm the nice one. Everybody always likes me.
Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.

Dorothy: What's in the shoebox, Blanche?
Blanche: Every last receipt and scrap of paper I have collected over the last five years. Or a pair of shoes. What am I going to do? I'm meeting with my accountant tomorrow. He said to bring everything.
Dorothy: You better include a cake with a file in it. Where are your receipts, Blanche?
Blanche: I always thought you only needed a receipt if the dress you bought didn't fit.

Dorothy: Uh, this money that you forgot to give to the IRS, what did you do with it?
Blanche: I can't remember what I did with every penny. I know I gave some of it to charity.
Dorothy: Charitable deductions! Blanche, that's great. What was it? United Fund? Greenpeace? You remember?
Blanche: In 1985 I bought the We Are The World album.

Sophia: Dorothy, have you seen my teeth?
Dorothy: They're in your mouth, Ma.
Sophia: I know that. Don't they look good today? I ran them through the dishwasher.

Dorothy: Rose, you've become obsessed. You have this irrational need to get Roger to like you. Now, why are you doing this?
Rose: I guess it all started when I was a little kid at the orphanage. You see, only the happy, nice kids got adopted. That's when I started trying to be happy and nice all the time. 'Cause the truth is, if you treat somebody really nicely, they'll take you home.
Blanche: I've always found that to be true.

Dorothy: Rose, the point is, there's always going to be somebody who doesn't like you.
Rose: Yes, and when you find that one person, you have to try even harder to get them to like you. Did I ever tell you the story about Herder Schornborscht?
Blanche: Many, many, many times.
Dorothy: Yes, yes, yes!
Sophia: You have.
Rose: Well, then you remember, he was St. Olaf's most famous shepherd. Well, Herder used to say, you can have a hundred sheep, and if one goes astray, that's the one you go look for. Especially if it's the best-looking one.

Blanche: How do I look?
Dorothy: Is today your audit?
Blanche: Yes. He should be here any minute.
Dorothy: Blanche, how are you going to explain that outfit?
Blanche: "The zipper's in the back." [doorbell] Wish me luck.
Gloria Schmidt: Blanche Devereaux?
Blanche: Yes.
Gloria Schmidt: Gloria Schmidt, IRS.
Blanche: Come on in the kitchen. I'll write you a check.

Sophia: What are you doing?
Blanche: Dorothy's going through her yearbook, to see who's dead.
Sophia: That's my pussycat: fun, fun, fun!