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‘Comedy of Errors’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Comedy of Errors

509. Comedy of Errors

Aired November 25, 1989

After a school friend of hers dies, Dorothy decides it's time to cross something off her bucket list: stand-up comedy. Meanwhile, Blanche faces an audit by the IRS, and Rose is determined to make a co-worker like her.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Anyway, I got good news from my accountant. I'm being audited Tuesday.
Dorothy: Oh, lucky you.
Blanche: Dorothy, you don't get it. My accountant reminded me that I've been audited before and I've never had to pay a penny in back taxes. I have a way with auditors. The last time I was audited I got money back from the government.
Sophia: Blanche, it's not a refund when the auditor leaves two twenties on your nightstand.

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Quote from Blanche

Blanche: OK, Rose, I'm going to tell you a story about a young girl in high school who was very insecure about the other kids liking her. Now, she would do anything - anything - to gain their approval. She would do their homework for them, while her grades suffered. She would give them her lunch money, in the misguided belief that she could buy their acceptance. Finally, lonely and desperate for affection she gave her virginity to the first boy who showed her the slightest attention.
Dorothy: You know, Blanche, until you told this story, I never realized how much we had in common.
Blanche: We don't have anything in common. That was a story Sophia told me about you.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: OK. How about when you were unmarried and pregnant?
Dorothy: I remember your exact words: "Get out of my house. You're dead. I have no daughter named Dorothy."
Sophia: Sure, in that tone of voice it sounds bad. But I'm supporting you now. Didn't I come here to live with you in your twilight years?
Dorothy: Ma, these are your twilight years.
Sophia: Are you kidding? I'm supposed to be dead. These are your twilight years.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: You'll, uh have to excuse me. I'm a little nervous. I'm not really a comedian. Boy, it's a little hot up here.
Sophia: How hot is it?
Dorothy: I don't know, but it's really hot.
Sophia: Hi-ho!
Dorothy: As I said before, my name is Dorothy Zbornak. And that's spelled just the way it sounds. [silence]
Sophia: You're dying. Ask us where we're from.
Dorothy: That's my mother, the Incredible Shrinking Woman. She's sitting there with the two other women that I live with. You know, at our ages, the four of us living together in the same house, we go through so many hormone changes that some nights we can actually read by the hot flashes. [laughter] You know, it's really interesting when one of us dates an eligible man - or as we call them, a live one. Although it's not really a prerequisite because I have been known to date a guy on life support. [laughter] But the trouble with dating a guy on life support is that you always have to go to his place. Every guy has an angle.
[later:]
Dorothy: And that's the trouble with the guys here in Miami. They simply cannot say those three little words: "Quick, call 911." So, that's who I am. A substitute teacher with hot flashes who still lives with her mother who heckles her. [laughter] And I wanna thank you for finding my life more amusing than I do. Good night. Thank you.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I don't think I'm gonna be doing my stand-up routine any more.
Sophia: How come? You were great.
Dorothy: This morning I realized that what I've been doing is no different from my dream. I mean, every time I stand in front of a classroom I face the same challenges, only I come away with something that I didn't feel last night. That maybe, possibly, I've managed to teach them a little something. Now, doing stand-up was like having sex with Stan. I was nervous before it, felt pretty good during it, and I'm absolutely thrilled that I will never have to do it again.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I think over the past five years I might have forgotten to mention that y'all were living here with me and paying rent.
Dorothy: We just slipped your mind?
Blanche: Well, of course not, darling. But you know I think of you girls as family. Now, how would it look if they thought I was charging my own family rent?
Dorothy: Honest.
Blanche: Don't you ever get nosebleed from taking the highroad all the time?

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: I've been sitting here looking through the book, and I can't believe how many of my classmates are gone. I mean, look. Frank Bonatardi, tight end on the football team: heart attack, dead.
Blanche: Well, Dorothy, don't think of it as Frank being dead. Just think of it as God telling Frank to go deep.
Dorothy: David Brittingham.
Blanche: What happened to him?
Dorothy: God told David to drive into a wall at 80 miles an hour.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, do you remember Helen Colquist?
Sophia: Was she that tremendously fat woman with a wooden leg and a totally hairless cat named Cincinnati Jake?
Dorothy: No.
Sophia: Then I don't remember her.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Oh, Ma, look at this. A list I made of things I wanted to do with my life.
Blanche: You know, I had a list like that, and I've done most of 'em. Except for Burt Lancaster.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: I haven't done half the things on this list. I mean, what am I? I am a substitute teacher. I'll never be rich before I'm 21, I'll never be homecoming queen.
Sophia: You can still be homecoming queen. It'll just be a different kind of home.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Dorothy, tell me something else that's on your list. An entertainer! [laughing]
Dorothy: Entertaining people, getting my masters, and I wanted to sleep with Michael Delvecchio.
Blanche: Wait a minute. Michael Delvecchio? Is he tall with black hair, has a mole on his cheek, sells insurance in New York City?
Dorothy: Yes!
Blanche: You didn't miss much.

Quote from Rose

Rose: You know Roger Barton, the man who works in the cubicle next to me? He doesn't like me. Everybody's always liked me.
Blanche: Honey, maybe your chemistry's just off. Everybody doesn't have to like you.
Rose: Oh, yes, they do. Dorothy, you're the smart one. Blanche, you're the sexy one. And Sophia, you're the old one. I'm the nice one. Everybody always likes me.
Sophia: The old one isn't so crazy about you.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: What's in the shoebox, Blanche?
Blanche: Every last receipt and scrap of paper I have collected over the last five years. Or a pair of shoes. What am I going to do? I'm meeting with my accountant tomorrow. He said to bring everything.
Dorothy: You better include a cake with a file in it. Where are your receipts, Blanche?
Blanche: I always thought you only needed a receipt if the dress you bought didn't fit.

Quote from Dorothy

Blanche: It was so much easier when I was married. I'd buy something expensive, George would yell at me, I'd put on a see-through nightie, and that would be the end of it. Why can't the government work that way?
Dorothy: According to the newspapers, a lot of times it does.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Uh, this money that you forgot to give to the IRS, what did you do with it?
Blanche: I can't remember what I did with every penny. I know I gave some of it to charity.
Dorothy: Charitable deductions! Blanche, that's great. What was it? United Fund? Greenpeace? You remember?
Blanche: In 1985 I bought the We Are The World album.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Dorothy, have you seen my teeth?
Dorothy: They're in your mouth, Ma.
Sophia: I know that. Don't they look good today? I ran them through the dishwasher.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Rose, you've become obsessed. You have this irrational need to get Roger to like you. Now, why are you doing this?
Rose: I guess it all started when I was a little kid at the orphanage. You see, only the happy, nice kids got adopted. That's when I started trying to be happy and nice all the time. 'Cause the truth is, if you treat somebody really nicely, they'll take you home.
Blanche: I've always found that to be true.

Quote from Rose

Dorothy: Rose, the point is, there's always going to be somebody who doesn't like you.
Rose: Yes, and when you find that one person, you have to try even harder to get them to like you. Did I ever tell you the story about Herder Schornborscht?
Blanche: Many, many, many times.
Dorothy: Yes, yes, yes!
Sophia: You have.
Rose: Well, then you remember, he was St. Olaf's most famous shepherd. Well, Herder used to say, you can have a hundred sheep, and if one goes astray, that's the one you go look for. Especially if it's the best-looking one.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: How do I look?
Dorothy: Is today your audit?
Blanche: Yes. He should be here any minute.
Dorothy: Blanche, how are you going to explain that outfit?
Blanche: "The zipper's in the back." [doorbell] Wish me luck.
Gloria Schmidt: Blanche Devereaux?
Blanche: Yes.
Gloria Schmidt: Gloria Schmidt, IRS.
Blanche: Come on in the kitchen. I'll write you a check.


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